Well we’re not going to watch the game sober. Baseball season was LAST year, pal.
- 6 seconds for each TD
- 3 seconds for each FG
- A YUUUUUUUGE sip if Al Michaels mentions his offseason “tribute” to Pat Summerall
- 3 seconds for a white guy first down (Receiving or running. NOT passing)
- 5 seconds for an Aaron Hernandez mention
- 5 second drink every time someone uses the word “Elite” in reference to Joe Flacco
- Open the valve on some Franzia for 5 seconds if they mention the NFL’s new “bag policy”
- Full beer for “Super Bowl Hangover”
- Shotgun a Busch if Michaels or Collinsworth mixes up Eric Decker and Wes Welker
- 5 second drink if they find a way to shoehorn a Danny Amendola reference in
- Two doses of Molly and pee all over your floor if they show Von Miller wearing hipster glasses
- If they mention Elvis Dumervil you have to type an email to yourself saying “I Elvis Dumervil, agree to the terms of this contract.” Press send and chug fireball until it hits your inbox.
- A mind eraser if they mention the concussion settlement
- Full drink if you see the top row of Al Michaels’ teeth at ANY point during the broadcast
- 5 second drink for each Tebow mention
- 5 seconds for every replay/mention of the Rahim Moore play from last year
- Give a healthy swig every 30 seconds once the game starts until you can’t see the smoke from whatever fireworks show/Maroon Five concert just took place
- 10 second chug if they mention Wes Welker’s wife or the leash Bill Belichick kept him on
- *PREGAME BONUS on NFL NETWORK* Half a beer if Mayock mentions fantasy football in a completely incorrect, irrelevant way, i.e. “Fantathy owners will be thad to hear that Montee Ball has not eckthelled in path protecthun on blithis thith pretheethon.”
- You have to go out and buy weed from a stranger if someone mentions the fact that pot is legal in Denver (*note* Goodell would rather show “Emmanuelle In Space” during a Primetime NFL game than have Michael Irvin even think about moderating a debate on the merits of legalized marijuana)
- Any time there’s a measurement, you measure how full your beer is compared to the person closest to you. This is the NFL, everything’s a competition to offer tribute to The Shield. Whoever has more beer drinks until they’re even.
- With every Ray Lewis mention you must read a line on the label of your drink in crazy Ray Lewis pregame pep-talk voice. “THIS….. is the famous BUDWEISER BEER… We know of NO BRAND produced by ANY OTHA brewer which (whisper) costs so much (/whisper) TO BREW AND AGE MOTHERFUCKER!!! TO GOD GOES THE GLORY!!!! (Unintelligible screaming and passionate crying)”
- Or you can just drink nice beers at your own pace and relax for a soak in the mental hot-tub of knowing that the NFL is back for the next 5 months
Feel free to watch the game/drink with us.
I want more like this!
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