Wow you guys its great to be here at the Roast of Dr James Andrews. It’s great so many of you could limp here to be with the doctor who saved your careers but enough about Anthony Galea. But were here to celebrate Dr. Andrews, the only doctor in Alabama whose not a celebrity for giving the names and addresses of other doctors who prescribe birth control pills to civil war reenactors.
Dr Andrews isnt a ambulance chaser, hes a Chrysler300 chaser no offence folks.
Wow just take a look around at all the stars. RG3’s here tonight, good luck with that new knee buddy. We’re all glad that you somehow managed to show up in a nice plain suit without looking like a NASCAR driver for a change. The last time I saw RG-Me without 3 stripes on his shirt they were up his nose folks. From all accounts youve made a great recovery from a injury that you technically gave yourself Robert, your the football version of Artie Lang except you spend more time sneaking in your neighbors swimming pools then death pools.
Brett Farve holy cow the ol Gunslingers here folks. Brett spent most of his career getting in the training room, so the only Doctor he gave more money to than Andrews was his urologist folks. Bretts given so much money to quacks with crazy new enlargement products, not even NFC North DBs have bit on as many pump-fakes as he has. Really though his Iron Man streak is amazing: Bretts the only person in NFL history to play in 297 straight games with a sex organ the size of a mosquito bite.
Seriously though Brett Im so glad you could come, I just wish I could say the same for Deanna.
Adrian PEDersons here lets all give him a hand. Lets give him a arm and a neck while we’re at it he needs all the healthy veins he can get folks. Unlike Pam Oliver, Adrians very careful about what he puts in his body on Sundays. Adrian you’ll be glad to know we WERE able to prepare your desert to be made skim milk and agave nectar to accomodate your agents request you only be served the cream and the clear.
But now on to the man of the hour, Dr. James Andrews.
Dr. Andrews got the first medical degree from Lousiana State that had a standardized test final exam, instead of stuffing pickled-okra into a lifesize effigy of Dr. King and boiling it in a caldron of hotsauce to see who could catch the most ducks.
If I’m meeting a “Doctor” for surgery the only three letters Id be more skeptical to see on a diploma than NWA are LSU.
Dr Andrews client list reads more like a full episode of Americas Most Wanted then a patient log folks. Instead of the PDR James keeps Urban Dictionary on his desk. Hes a Doctor with his own wikipedia page joining the prestigious ranks of Mengele, Heim, and Kevorkian. He has become somewhat of a celebrtiy in his profession (maybe we should elect HIM President,, you just know perscriptions of Oxy and Viagra could get Congress back in playing-shape folks).
Here are the lists of teams that Dr Andrews works for: Auburn, Alabama, and the Redskins all three names synonymous with expert medical care. We all know Snyder just keeps him on retainer for perscription shoelifts. Former RB and current former-RB Kevin Smith called you “The Jay-Z of the rap world” which makes exactly as much sense as trusting any VT alum to give advice about your body beside which barber in town you should go to for the most defined chin-strap.
Tonights a big night for you James,, I just hope the RG-Knee-number-3 holds up on the FedEx sandbox, I know you’re probably the only guy in America who roots harder for injurys than I do. Lets just hope you can stitch together a knee better then Griffin can stitch together a wedding day alibi.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news & humor before everyone else.