bridezilla

I’m assuming by now we’ve all seen the nightmarish Bridezilla featured on Gawker this morning, yes? If you have not done so already, read that (AFTER this column, please), then go home and hug your normal wife — or, if you’re single, make a solemn pledge to NEVER marry that awful breed of sorority shrike. I mean…

I am preferential to blonde hair (with the exception of Lizzie & Holly who I think are better with darker locks) and seeing as I liked her better as a blonde goddess, it was approved. Had she asked for bangs as well, she would have been denied. Holly, please feel free to come down to Miami and we can go see O.

Also, Chloe, please review the conversation where I approved your highlights and slight trim. NOT HACKING OFF YOUR BANGS.

And that’s not even the worst of it. Ugh, I’d rather read about Syria than know that there are people like that.

Anyway, we have fantasy football to talk about. On to your questions:

Dear KSK,
I’m on a 10 man .5 PPR league with the following roster:

QB: Matt Ryan, Philip Rivers
WR: D. Thomas, Nicks, Steve Smith, Hopkins, Marlon Brown
RB: CJ Spiller, Ryan Mathews, Gio Bernard, Willis McGahee and J. Rodgers
TE: Cook

Who would you start this week? And secondly, would you sit on this team for a while or continue to make changes? If the later, which changes/upgrades would you recommend?

No need to be fancy. Ryan, Thomas, Nicks, Spiller, and… ennnnhhh… Jacquizz since Steven Jackson’s out, even though I don’t love the matchup against St. Louis. Gio Bernard is probably tempting to start in your flex, but Marvin Lewis seemed pretty committed to BJGE even after Gio scored two touchdowns. I think Hopkins and Steve Smith both have higher floors.

My advice moving forward: get rid of your Chargers. Rivers and especially Mathews will regress.

Sex: Why is sex so much better when you find the right woman?
Thanks again for your time,
-Dan

Because feelings.

Really great question.

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Dear KSK,
Fantasy: I’m in a standard yahoo league with 3WR 2RB 1TE and no flex. My rbs are Peterson and Chris Johnson TE is Jimmy Graham but my receiver corps is Antonio Brown, Kenbrell Thompkins, Miles Austin and Stevie Johnson (Also I picked Russell Wilson over Romo and Stafford because that’s who I want to root for).

That’s admirable. And really dumb.

I’m wondering if I should try to move Johnson for a better wideout and take back a worse RB #2? Am I undervaluing my WRs? I also have Giovanni Bernard on the bench hoping the lawfirm breaks down.

You can afford to trade Johnson, I think. Bernard is a workable start at RB2, and you can make up in the drop-off from CJ2K by getting a proper WR1.

As for those wideouts: Antonio Brown has started slowly but should be okay. Stevie Johnson is solid, even underrated. Miles Austin is a worthwhile #2. Those three are acceptable if unspectacular, despite some early-season woes. Kenbrell Thompkins, though, is as much of a bust as an undrafted rookie can be, given some of the preseason hype surrounding him. Through two weeks, Thompkins has a 29% catch rate (worst of any wide receiver playing regular snaps), and is ranked 84th out of 85 receivers by Football Outsiders. Eep. I’d say he’s earned a trip to the bench against the Bucs and Darrelle Revis.

Sex: I spent my high school years depressed, overweight and thoroughly convinced that no girl would ever be interested in me. In college I slowly realized that was bullshit but I think it still comes back when I start to doubt myself. Thanks to a handful of drunken hookups I’m not a virgin but I’m a year out of college and haven’t been on a real date or been with the same girl twice. I feel comfortable talking to girls in person and can thankfully finally recognize when someone is flirting with me. The problem I have is with texting. I tend to over think and second or third guess everything I say while reading too much into what they say. I eventually lose confidence and things fizzle out. Whenever I’ve tried calling instead it seems to catch girls off guard and make it more awkward.

NOOOOOOOOOO never call someone in the early stages unless she says it’s okay. That’s like whipping out your erection on the first date and saying, “So we gonna do it or what?”

Any suggestions on getting over my paralysis by analysis?
Thanks,
She-hawks Fan

Go with the old KISS strategy: Keep It Simple, Stupid. Don’t look for hidden meanings, don’t try to be too clever, and don’t send more than two texts without getting a response back. You want to win over women in person, not with text messages, so keep things complimentary and informational: “Hey, had fun last night. Would love to see you again soon? You free this weekend?”

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Dear Uff Bomb,
Fantasy: 10 team league, standard scoring. Good number 1 RB and WR (Charles [Dal] and Andre Johnson [Ten]) but it gets shitty after that (RB Montee Ball [NYG], Green-Ellis[Pit], and Ahmad Bradshaw [Mia], WR Roddy fucking White [StL], Miles Austin [KC], and Cecil Shorts[Oak]). However, my cup runneth over at TE, where I have Gonzalez [StL] and Jared Cook [Atl]. I have this phobia of a TE at flex, but given the other underachievers I have on my team I’m thinking Cook might have a permanent starting spot there. Any better plays you see here?

BJGE’s still a viable RB2, and I like Austin for your WR2. But yeah, you should be sitting your other RBs/WRs this week. Put a tight end at flex.

Sex: Proposing next week to the lady I’ve been with 6 and a half years.

Congratulations/good luck!

We’ve talked about it before, the perfect ring fell out of the sky recently and 3 of her best friends have approved said ring, I have the permission of her family, and we are going to be in the perfect spot with a (friend and amateur) photographer on hand. However, due to a confluence of circumstances, neither one of us is in a rush to actually get married. Our relationship has recently turned LD (close enough that we can see each other once or twice a month, definite endpoint within at most 3 years), our financial situation is lousy but improving, and we both started new jobs that leave no time whatsoever for wedding planning. I definitely want to marry her, and she wants to marry me, just not with things the way they are now. My question is, knowing how much everyone hates long engagements, how long after dropping to one knee do I have before we should just elope someplace sunny and later have a big vow renewal party for the families?
-Not Just Stalling

It depends on what the two of you want. If you’re eager to get those sweet tax breaks, go ahead and just do the paperwork at City Hall, then worry about the formal wedding/party with friends/relatives down the road. If you and your families are keen on something traditional, then select a date two or three years down the road. It’s no secret that most people don’t like prolonged engagements, but the key is having a date circled on the calendar.

This subject, of course, was the premise of The Five-Year Engagement, a piece of entertainment that — like the TV show 24 — was precisely as long as title stated. I swear to God it’s the longest movie ever made. Anyway, Jason Segel and Emily Blunt put off their wedding because she has to get her doctorate at the University of Michigan. Segel’s character, a talented chef, turns down the opportunity to run his own restaurant in San Francisco to follow her to Ann Arbor, where the only food job he can get is working in a deli, because that’s how the restaurant industry works. A bunch of stupid, unrealistic bullshit happens, and they end up with a completely impossible wedding in San Francisco that would be in no way feasible without tripling the cost of any normally insanely expensive San Francisco wedding. It is a fucking awful movie.

I bring that up because if these two characters had done what you and your erstwhile fiancée are doing — geographical separation to pursue their careers for 2-3 years — and also planned a wedding (either during a summer break or at the completion of the separation), then it probably would have been fine. But I guess The Stable Long-Distance Engagement doesn’t sound like a good rom-com.

(FULL DISCLOSURE: I know this emailer IRL, so my advice has been colored by additional details I know outside the email.)

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Captain,
My dad is a native Milwaukeean and has raised me as a Packers fan from the moment I was old enough to understand what a quarterback was (a fact that’s relevant to both of my questions below).

Fantasy: due in part to blatant homerism and in part to wanting to take the best player available at the time of the draft, I wound up with both Randall Cobb and the Great White Hope (Jordy Nelson) on my team. Though they’ve both performed well so far this season, having two Packers receivers on my team scares me, and I’m thinking of offloading one of them. I’ve always loved Jordy, but I’m also a UK alum so I love having Randall on my team. Which one do you think I should try to get rid of? My other receivers are Cruz, Shorts, Amendola, and Antonio Brown, I have Peyton at quarterback, and then Charles and Beast Mode as my running backs with Graham at TE. Strong starters, but no real depth outside of receiver.

Good Lord, that lineup has “six-team league” written all over it.

Cobb and Nelson will both continue to be good, but Cobb will be steadier from week to week, I think. If it’s really a concern for you, I’d unload Jordy for running back depth. But I think you’ll be fine with three top receivers, two top running backs, a top quarterback, and the best tight end in the game.

Sexy time: I’m a few years out of college now, and the Packers are getting ready to travel to the town where my last college girlfriend moved after graduation. I’m taking my dad to the game for his birthday, and would really like to have a go at the old girl while I’m visiting her city. While not the best I’ve ever had, she was without question the best I’ve ever had repeatedly, and was a damn good girlfriend. We had a pretty nasty breakup, but time has healed a lot of wounds and we’re now on the best terms we’ve been on since we actually dated. We text from time to time and like each other’s Instagram photos and shit. There’s absolutely zero chance that I’d be interested in restarting a relationship with her now that she lives several hundred miles away, but is it worthwhile to try to get back into her end zone one last time?

Please do not liken a vagina (or anus) to an area of a football field.

And if so, how should I play it? I’ve told her I’m probably coming into town, but left it pretty open-ended in our last conversation.
– guy with receiver depth, hoping she lets me receive her deeply

What are the logistics of this plan, GWRDHSLMRHD? Because I’m genuinely curious to know when “ditching Dad on his birthday weekend” comes into play. I guess maybe if you arrive Friday night and your pops comes a day later, that leaves you an acceptable window to try to hook up with your ex. Otherwise it seems pretty uncool to send your dad to bed early so you can go chase tail.

BUT, assuming Pops isn’t totes cock-blocking you on the birthday trip you’re treating him to, I see nothing wrong with meeting your ex for a drink, and then more if things go well. Assuming everyone knows where they stand and you’re not backsliding into a relationship that won’t work again, ex sex can be an intimate and nostalgic way to get closure. As for how to “play” it: like an adult who is there to celebrate his father’s birthday, not to try to get her naked. NOTE: the play works better if it’s true, which is to say: arrive with no expectations or hopes besides a conversation and the opportunity to wish her well.

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Hannah Barbarian,
I emailed earlier this summer about the QB heavy league. Here’s my draft in order (5th pick, snake draft, 10 teams): Ryan, Martin, McCoy, Forte, Wayne, V Davis, Bowe, Kaepernick, D Richardson, Jennings, Thompkins, Bradshaw, Vick, Gould, J Gordon, Browns D.

With the way the season is going and I’m 2-0 (despite Kaepernick and Vick respectively outscoring my first rounder Ice Man each week), who should I package to pick up a stud WR? The people in my league are either incredibly new or incredibly nitty and thus averse to making trades. I’ve offered Vick, Bradshaw, and Jennings for Brandon Marshall straight up and been turned down (the same guy had Ballard, is also the commissioner and has notoriously never completed a trade). Obviously, you’d need to know other rosters to see who I could convince to drop a stud, so here are my two main targets, followed by their respective owners’ rosters:

Calvin Johnson: Brady, SJax, Ridley, Megatron, Welkah, Julius Thomas, Steve Smith, James Jones, BJGE, Cook, Schaub, Ingram, MWill This guy is 0-2.

Dez Bryant: Peyton, Charles, Redman, Bryant, MFloyd, Gonzalez, Washington, Cameron, Flacco, Hopkins, MBush, Hankerson, Vereen She is 2-0.

and lastly, I’m hoping i can swindle All Day from his owner who is 0-2, his roster is: Cam, AP, Foster, Andre Johnson, Decker, Pettigrew, Lamar Miller, Torrey Smith, MAustin, Cutler, Nicks, Tate, LaFell, Daniel Thomas, Gronkowski

You know, dear readers, I’m here to help. I genuinely want all of you to have happy, healthy lives filled with lots of sex and fantasy football success. But I think there’s a line you can cross in terms of the time I can commit to any one question, and that line is full roster analysis of four different teams in order to propose multiple trades. I’m an adviser, not a co-manager.

That said, I think you should package Vick and spare parts for your crushes. Brady’s underperforming, and the guy with Peyton needs QB insurance with Clady out for the season.

p.s. who would you start Vick (KC), Kaeptain ‘Merica (IND), or my 1st rounder Matt Ryan (@MIA)?

Ryan probably has the safest floor, Kaepernick has the best matchup, and Vick has the highest ceiling but faces a nasty KC defense. I’d probably go with Ryan, simply because it’s safe and conservative.

Lastly, provide a tutorial on Cougar pickups, por favor.
Trent’s Warfare,
Nastruthomas

Have a great body, dress well, and don’t be too drunk. In Soviet Russia, Cougar pick up YOU.

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Caveman,
Football Question: I am in a 12 team PPR league and I need to choose 3 of the following receivers Randall Cobb, Brandon Marshall, Julian Edelman, or Julio Jones for my wide receiver and flex positions.

Cobb, Marshall, and Jones are starts. Every week. I don’t care if it’s a PPR league and Edelman is Brady’s only decent receiver. Cobb, Marshall, Jones.

Also, my running backs are DeMarco Murray and Tiny Darren with Bradshaw and Vereen (who I should probably drop) on the bench, should I try to trade a receiver for a RB, and if so, who should I target?

Yes, I think trading a WR for RB help is smart. Edelman is the obvious choice to ship off, since his value will go down with the return of Gronkowski and Amendola (however long those two last until the next torn ligament/broken bone). Edelman for a second-tier guy like Lamar Miller seems more than fair in a PPR league; you might even get a Chris Johnson for him.

But you can go big, too: with three premiere receivers, you can afford to lose any one of them in exchange for a premiere back (though I’d want to keep Marshall — he’s a top-3 WR in PPR leagues, IMO). Why not Randall Cobb for Marshawn Lynch? Or Julio Jones for Jamaal Charles?

Sex/Relationship: I recently got engaged, and my fiancee has two brothers, one of whom is a twin to her. I am not especially close to either, and I do not want to include them in the wedding party. My fiancee is on my side because the numbers for the wedding party are even on both sides and she doesn’t have anyone else to ask if I include them. So, she wants them to be ushers, so they are dressed up for pictures, but not standing up in the wedding. However, her mom is throwing a huge fit about it (especially because of the twin situation), and how people today just don’t have the morals and values that they had when they grew up etc, and she says we will revisit this later when it comes to choosing locations and pricing etc.

Awesome. She sounds like a dream.

We have talked to the brothers, and they have no preference either way, but lean toward not having to be in the wedding party, but obviously they are staying out of this. So my question is, is it worth standing our ground on this, or should we pick our battles and cave? Do people really care that much if we cut corners because her mom controls the purse strings, or will people generally not notice/remember whether the venue is nicer or has nicer decorations?
-Pipez

When you accept parents’ money to pay for a wedding, it’s perfectly reasonable to make some concessions, like Mom’s weird friend Alice can come even though you don’t like her. The fact that your future mother-in-law is using this as a stick is, to put it gently, less than encouraging on a number of levels. So, two things:

1. Have the wedding YOU want. Say what you will about the fucking awful harpy in that Gawker piece, she got the wedding she wanted. Do you think she caved to her mother or future mother-in-law on ANYTHING? I sincerely doubt it. If you don’t want her fiancée’s brothers in the wedding party, don’t have them in the wedding party. Smaller wedding parties are never a bad thing.

2. Seek détente. While part of me wants you to fire back at your lady’s mom with, “Fine! We’ll revisit this later when you don’t see your grandchildren!” I recognize that that’s not good advice. While you deserve the wedding you want, she also needs to she’s not some voiceless entity cutting a check. She needs to be heard, and you could probably use a little assist from twin bro in this instance. If he goes to Mom and says, “Hey mom, please don’t make Pipez and sis make me part of the wedding party, I’d really rather just be an usher,” she’s more likely to relent.

Good luck.

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What’s good, Uff?

The usual: to crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women.

Fantasy first, and I have a couple questions. I’m in a standard keeper league and my WRs blow as of right now (Roddy White, Mohammed Sanu, Keenan Allen, Markus Wheaton, and Quinton Patton),

woof

but my TEs are picking up the slack (Jimmy Graham, starter; Julius Thomas, flex; Jordan Cameron, bench; all drafted if I can pat myself on the back right quick).

A friend in the league has Hakeem Nicks on his bench and is proposing a trade of Nicks + someone else for Graham. No one else that he would be willing to give up is of any value to me and I generally don’t think it’s smart to trade a primary target (Graham) for a secondary target (Nicks) – but the straits are dire. Any insight?

Fuck that guy. If he wants to get the clear-cut #1 tight end in the NFL, he needs to offer up Calvin Johnson or LeSean McCoy or parts that add up to those guys. If he wants a tight end for Nicks, give him Cameron or Thomas plus a bench player. That’s fair.

Secondly, I have a QB controversy: Stafford vs. The ‘Skins or Wilson vs. The Jags? The ‘Skins secondary is a wet dream come true for someone who slings it around like Stafford, but it’s the Jags and I can see Hustle Wilson running some in for 6 as well as passing it for 4. I’m leaning towards Stafford.

You lean correctly.

I’m all good on the sex front; I’m living single like Queen Latifah and I’m loving it. As recompense, I offer you the singer Mya looking more stacked than a Redskin’s CB. Frot on.

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Cap,
“Sex” First: What’s your take on two individuals who have trouble sleeping next to one another? I move around in my sleep like I’m in the Paranormal Activity movie, and girls I’ve dated tend to be terribly light sleepers (or maybe I just have real problems). A solid nights sleep is nearly impossible with that combination. A larger bed isn’t really logical at this point (not necessarily in a serious relationship, living in a smaller apartment, etc…), so I was in the market for any possible ideas that doesn’t include not sleeping with one another.

Wait, just how small is this bed you’re talking about? Because if you have a twin bed, you shouldn’t expect a grown woman to sleep comfortably next to you, regardless of how much you move around. No one outside of a college campus or third-world country should be sharing a twin bed.

My suggestion: go back to her place. If that’s not an option, let her sleep in your bed while you take the couch. (If you or any prospective girlfriends are habitually problematic sleepers, talk to your doctor about possible solutions.)

Fantasy: I’m in a 12 team, 6 point passing TD, .5 PPR league (I know), but I was fortunate enough to grab Peyton, 2 very solid WR, CJ, Graham, and Gonzalez (as my flex). I was recently contacted in regards to a trade for one of my TE’s, more so Gonzalez, for D. Murray or Knowshon. I’ve won the first two weeks fairly handily with my current team, so I’m hesitant about parting with any of my players, but relying on DeAngelo Williams as an RB2 is tough, especially in that offense. An upgrade would be nice, but I’m not sure if it’s worth getting rid of a top TE for a middling RB. Any input would be great.
Thanks,
Equine Ducklings

DeAngelo Williams is never an ideal option, but you should be safe with him at least until Jonathan Stewart comes off the PUP. You can afford to part with Gonzalez, but ideally you’d get a little better than Murray or Knowshon in return. If those are your only choices, I’d probably go with Knowshon despite the looming presence of Montee Ball.

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Cap,
Fantasy first: I tend to value RBs over WRs for the flex position, so I’ve left DeSean Jackson on the bench the last two weeks in favor of Daryl Richardson.

da-fuq

My God, why would you admit that in a public forum?

People, I know that I push my fantasy football videos on you, but you REALLY should watch them if these are the decisions you’re making.

Do you think Jackson continues his hot streak against the Chiefs at home this week? Other options in that spot are Antonio Brown (vs. Chi), MJD (injured, and @ Sea), Miles Austin (vs. Stl), and Ben Tate (@ Bal).

Let me ask you a question: in what world is the only viable wide receiver in a wildly productive Eagles offense a lesser option than those people you just listed? Start DeSean. The Eagles offense isn’t a fluke, and neither is Jackson’s production.

Girls: I went to small school in the upper midwest, but I am currently living out on the west coast. At the beginning of the summer, I met a girl at a baseball game who went to the same college (a couple of years behind me, but we must have run in different circles, since we don’t have any mutual friends) who seemed pretty awesome in the hour or so we talked at the game. Due to work/travel schedules, and then passing flings with other ladies over the course of the summer, we never really got a chance to connect.

The other day however, I was poking around OkCupid, and saw that we are apparently an excellent match according to whatever algorithm they utilize. Does it make more sense to contact her through OkCupid, highlighting the potential compatibility, or just straight up sending her an email? Thanks for the advice, and go Hawks!
-Kaep’s Missing Eyebrow

I’d consider which form of communication has more upside. An email might be a little more unexpected, but an OkCupid message might make her think, “Wait, we’ve already met. Why didn’t he just email me?”

I think you go with email. Tell her that you went to another baseball game and didn’t have nearly as much fun because she wasn’t there, which made you kick yourself for not emailing her sooner. Then see if she’d like to get a drink or dinner. Boom. Way easier than “the algorithm rates us a match!” If she says yes to a date, THEN you can send a screenshot of the OkCupid match and say, “Oh btw we’re totally compatible.”