grudentalk

Jon: WELCOME BACK TO GRUDEN TALK, THE TALK SHOW WHERE WE DISCUSS THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUES OF THE DAY.  BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS, HAVE YOU BEEN PAYING ATTENTION TO THE UN GENERAL ASSEMBLY.

hermband

Herm: PRESIDENT OBAMA SAID HE’S SCARED OF HIS WIFE AND SO AM I.

Jon: THIS MICHELLE, I CALL HER MEGATRON BECAUSE SHE’S GOT ALL THE MEASURABLES.  WHEN YOU’VE GOT A WOMAN HER HEIGHT WHO CAN RUN A 4.4 40 THEN YOU DAMN WELL BETTER BE SCARED OF HER.  PRESIDENT OBAMA’S GOTTA JAM HER AT THE LINE.

Herm: I TOOK MICHELLE OBAMA IN THE FOURTH ROUND OF MY FANTASY DRAFT.

Jon: OF COURSE YA DID YA BIG DUMMY.  ANYWAY, THERE’S A BUNCH OF STUFF WITH IRAN AND ISRAEL GOING ON AT THE GENERAL ASSEMBLY SO WE GOT FORMER AMBASSADOR TO ISRAEL WILLIAM C. HARROP HERE TO DISCUSS THEM.  WILLIAM, HOW YA DOIN’?

William: I’m doing well, Jon.

Jon: SO WHAT’S GOING ON WITH ISRAEL AND IRAN OVER IN NEW YORK?  THEY SHOULD’VE PUT THE UN IN TAMPA, MUCH BETTER TRAFFIC.

William: Well Iran’s new leader, Hassan Rouhani, has adopted a much more conciliatory tone than his predecessor, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Jon: I HEAR THAT.  YOU GOTTA REPLACE A STRICT DISCIPLINARIAN WITH A PLAYERS’ COACH.  THAT’S WHY THE RAIDERS REPLACED ME WITH BILL CALLAHAN.

Herm: AL DAVIS IS A POWERFUL AYATOLLAH.

William: Well, there’s definitely a change in tone coming from Iran but the rest of the world is still nervous about its nuclear program, especially Israel.

Jon: YOU GOTTA HAVE A GOOD QUARTERBACK IF YOU’RE RUNNING A COMPLICATED PLAYBOOK.  YOU CAN’T BE TROTTING CHRIS SIMMS OUT THERE ASKING HIM TO BE IN CHARGE OF SOMETHING AS POWERFUL AS A WEST COAST OFFENSE.

Herm: BRODIE CROYLE CANNOT BE TRUSTED WITH THE NUCLEAR CODES.

William: Well Iran needs to reintegrate itself into the world community after a disastrous decade.  Their economy is in shambles thanks to sanctions.  Rouhani needs to attract international capital to the country, and toning down inflammatory rhetoric can do that.

Jon: THE LAST THING YA NEED IS INFLAMMATION.  IRAN NEEDS A HEAVY DOSE OF TORADOL AND A NICE ICE BATH AFTER THE GAME AFTER GETTING KNOCKED AROUND IN AHMADINEJAD’S FIGHTS FOR THE PAST FEW YEARS.

Herm: IRAN’S RIDING THE BIKES DURING PRACTICE ON TUESDAY.

William: Well this is a change in rhetoric but we don’t know if it’s a change in policy yet.  Israel is leading the countries who doubt Iran.  And Benjamin Netanyahu is not afraid of interfering in American domestic politics in order to get his way.

Jon: THIS NETANYAHU, I CALL HIM CHARLES WOODSON BECAUSE YOU HATE IT WHEN HE GETS AWAY WITH INTERFERENCE.

Herm: YOU GOTTA FOCUS ON PLAYING ZONE WITH THE KNESSET.

William: Netanyahu is terrified of a nuclear Iran and would love nothing more than for America to fight against it.  So he’ll use his UN speech to drum up support among American Jews and Israelophiles for a continued hardline stance.

Jon: LEMME TELL YA, YOU GOTTA BE IN A STANCE THAT ALLOWS YOU THE BEST OPPORTUNITY TO GET TO THE QUARTERBACK.  WHETHER YOU GOT YOUR FINGER IN THE DIRT OR NOT, YOU NEED TO MAKE SURE THAT IRAN CAN HAVE A NUCLEAR PROGRAM AS LONG AS IT CAN’T WEAPONIZE PLUTONIUM.

Herm: BRUCE SMITH WAS ANTI-NUCLEAR PROLIFERATION.

William: I’m lost.

Jon: THAT’S OK BECAUSE WE’RE OUT OF TIME ON GRUDEN TALK TODAY.  TAKE ‘ER AWAY, HERM EDWARDS 7.

Herm: YOU KNOW I RAN, I RAN SO FAR AWAY.  FLOCK OF SEAGULLS ON 3!