be-cool

Hello, friends. Many of you may remember my fundraising efforts for Fight Gone Bad in previous years. (If you’re new here, you can get a rainbow snakeskin refresher here.) Due to work commitments and general out-of-shapeness, I won’t be participating in this year’s Fight Gone Bad, BUT I do have an excellent charity for you.

My wife is running the New York City Marathon this year, and she’s raising money for Team for Kids, a charity that combats childhood obesity. If you could take a few of your hard-earned American dollars and donate them to her cause, I’d be super-thankful and pour that gratitude into these weekly 4500-word sojourns into your fantasy and sex problems. (And before you ask: she said no to running in short-shorts, but I think we might get her to wear the rainbow headband.)

Sorry for the pledge drive spam. Let’s get to your problems, where almost everyone’s lonely on a Southern campus.

Hey Uff,
Let’s start with fantasy: I’ve got a dilemma at WR2. That spot was previously locked up by Cruz, but he was a steaming bowl of shit salsa last week. Now I know that the Giants are good for a few bed-shittings every season, but getting shut out by the Panthers? With a surprisingly stingy Chiefs defense coming up next week, I’m not sure if he’s an automatic start. Do I give Tavon Austin (SF) or Golden Tate (@Hou) the look over Cruz?

Ehhhhh… I don’t like Austin tonight, because repeated Thursday night viewings have told me that I shouldn’t trust offenses that have had three days to prepare. Golden Tate and Sidney Rice are a weekly crapshoot: they’re as likely to get one catch for 15 yards as they are two touchdown catches.

I still think Cruz is the play here. He’s an established WR1 who has three touchdowns and two 100-yard games in three weeks. Overcorrecting for a one-week aberration — even against a defense like KC’s — is the wrong move.

Now for Not Sex: I’m a college freshman with pretty much no experience. I met this girl over the summer who was very attractive and seemed into me. We flirted a little and hung out, but it never went beyond that. Now we go to the same (huge) college, and I really want to try to start something with her. The problem is, I have no idea how to do that. We still talk, and whenever we see each other she still seems into me, but I don’t know how to ask her out in a way that conveys “date” instead of “friends hanging out”. I tried asking her to meet me for dinner, but she brought along her roommate and we ate with her friends.

DAGGER.

Does that mean she’s not into me or am I overanalyzing? What the hell do I do? (Also, she’s Eastern European and has only lived here for a few years, so there may be some sort of cultural misunderstanding about what is and isn’t an invitation to go on a date. Just to make things more complicated).
Thanks,
A stupid and horny young person

It’s possible that her roommate and friends joined you for dinner as the result of a miscommunication. I remember early in my freshman year, I’d invite two people from my dorm to come to a party with me, and inevitably we’d leave as a group of 12. College freshmen glom together at the beginning of the year because nobody wants to be alone with nothing to do.

That said, your beloved Natasha rolling up with an entourage to your date is hardly an encouraging sign. The obvious solution is to be up front about your intentions: “Hey, can I take you to the movies this weekend? Just you and me. To be clear, this is a date, and I’d like it to end with some kissing, maybe even go back to my dorm room for some heavy petting, just see where it goes.” Well, maybe not THAT up front. But if you don’t make your feelings clear, she’s just going to keep accepting your attention while choosing to date guys who are more confident.

Or you can do what I did: get drunk and make out with whoever was willing. Just kidding about the drinking! Obey your local liquor laws.

**********

O Captain My Captain,
Football: I’m in an office league (Yahoo PPR) where I’ve received a trade offer – I get Schaub and David Wilson for DeMarco Murray, effective beginning Week 4. Schaub seems like a definite upgrade over my current QB (Romo)

OOOOO

Tony Romo through three weeks: 72.2 completion percentage, 771 yards, 6 TDs, 1 INT, 103.9 rating.

Matt Schaub through three weeks: 66.4 completion percentage, 838 yards, 6 TDs, 4 INT, 87.3 rating.

I suppose you can make arguments about strength of schedule and future opponents, but Romo is one of the steadiest, most reliable fantasy QBs week-to-week, while Schaub plays in a conservative offense that favors the run.

and I realize Wilson carries risk but I already have Da’Rel Scott in case things really go south in NY and my other RBs are Foster and Pierre Thomas so I feel there is a lot of upside and this is a sell high for Murray. However, the player that offered the trade is a first time player and I’m worried that it will be viewed poorly if it seems like I’m taking advantage of her. So the question is:

a) I am making out like a bandit here, right?

Not particularly. Schaub is a lesser option than Romo, so you’re essentially swapping a talented but underused back with high upside for a productive but oft-injured back. In order for the trade to be a success, you need Wilson’s status to change or Murray to get injured.

b) How do I justify this trade to people in the office?

You won’t need to.

“Sex”: Growing up, I had two close friends, Tom and Jay. Jay was getting married – Tom was a groomsman and I was Best Man. About six months before the wedding, Tom stopped responding to any emails and phone calls. Supposedly, Tom was pissed when Jay’s fiancee sent out the wedding invitations and forgot to put Tom’s girlfriend (who had just moved in with Tom after six months of dating but none of us really knew) on his invitation. I say supposedly because he wouldn’t talk to me and wouldn’t talk about it with any of our mutual friends. After getting blocked by him on Facebook, things went completely dark. I recently found out that he went through the same thing with some (but not all) of our other friends and got married to the girlfriend at the end of 2012 but that he just caught her cheating on him and they’re already splitting up. Normally, I’d just put this all in the rear view but Tom had been one of my best friends for so long and I feel like he deserves some benefit of the doubt – that maybe this woman really was poison.

Maybe?

So the question is – how exactly do I try to re-engage with this friend with some sort of effectiveness and without looking like a total pushover for putting up with his bullshit?
Thanks,
– Cal

You’re a very kind friend. I say fuck Tom. Let him apologize to the friends he turned his back on. Then you can welcome him back and offer your sympathy for his plight. But the onus is on him to recognize that dating a bitch isn’t a justifiable reason for being shitty to friends.

**********

Permission to come aboard, Cap’n
No fantasy questions from me. I’ve been out of the game the last couple of years after getting commissioner burnout.

SEX: I wrote a while back (can’t find the link) with a question about losing interest in my wife because she was gaining a lot of weight and putting too much emphasis on her job and not enough on her own health/hygiene or our marriage. You responded with a Paul Rudd GIF.

Sometimes I’m almost TOO sympathetic.

For the record, I thought it was funny.

Anyways, we’re getting divorced. It took some personal counseling/therapy, but I realized that I just wasn’t happy with things and told my wife; she surprised me by saying that she felt the same. Not going to bore you or the readers with the details, but in the end it’s a mutual decision and we’ve been able to avoid making things messy. She’s already moved out of the house and taken one of our dogs, so I’m just hanging our with the other dog. He’s a pretty good roommate.

This is starting to get a little DadBonery.

I’ve been following your standard post-relationship advice (workout, focus on yourself, find something you love to do, etc.) and kept up with the counseling/therapy. My soon-to-be ex-wife has yet to fill out her part of the divorce papers, so I’m still waiting to file. However, that has not stopped some friends from suggesting that I go out and hook up with somebody. Up until this was mentioned, I’d done a real good job of avoiding the idea.

About two weeks ago, a co-worker invites me out to a bar to meet her boyfriend and some of their friends. I was upbeat or however you’re supposed to act when hanging out at a bar. A couple days later, my co-worker texts me to say her friend that I met at the bar thinks I’m quote “fucking hot.” My co-worker friend explained to her that I’m in the midst of getting a divorce; the friend said that didn’t bother her and that she thinks I’m funny and cute. A few days after THAT, the co-worker texts me this woman’s phone number and said I should ask her out sometime.

I’ve been out of the dating scene for about 8-9 years and have no desire to get into a serious relationship for the foreseeable future.

So…what do I do? Do I just completely shut this whole thing down? Do I take this lady out? If she wants to hook-up, do I? I believe I’m over-thinking this.
Sean

I don’t say this often, Sean, so cherish it: listen to your dick. Let your penis guide you.

(I’m sorry your marriage didn’t work out. Good luck.)

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Dear Uffatron,

Fantasy: No thank you. I believe it is customary at this point to placate you with a picture of a scantily clad babe; instead I’m going to ask for advice regarding the $20 buy-in point differential league that a buddy of mine roped me into. I’m pretty certain you’re familiar with this concept, but just in case you’re not: everybody picks 1 team per week, their point total for that week is how much the team they picked won (or lost, in negative points) by, and once somebody picks a team, they can’t pick them again for the rest of the season. Whoever has the most points at end of season takes the entire pot. I’ve stayed competitive by virtue of picking Battleship to put lil’ Eli in his place week 2, but I really need an ace in the hole this week to make up for the stupid Lions not dropping a 40-burger on the hapless Redskins (I’m blaming Reggie Bush). To date, I’ve picked the Texans, Broncos, and Lions. I’m leaning towards the Chiefs or the Colts-which one do you recommend (or other)?

How did you not take the Seahawks at home against the Jaguars last week? The line was 20 points!

Anyway, there’s not a lot to like this week, and you’re right that “whoever’s playing the Giants or Jaguars” are good bets. Of those two, I’d lean towards KC because they’re playing at home, but I’d also worry about the Giants figuring out their offensive woes and giving the Chiefs a game. I think I might go with the Bengals over the Browns — Minnesota intercepted Brian Hoyer three times last week without generating any kind of pressure in the pocket. I see the Bengals getting some turnovers and running away with that one.

(I was just bluffing about withholding the babe picture…)

gal.jpg

Sex:I just started grad school at a SEC school, which is a pretty awesome thing (I get to watch a competitive football team even when the Eagles decide to derp). Needless to say, the girls are top-notch as well. In my first few weeks, life seemed pretty grand-I was making new friends quick, settling in, and had started a nice dialogue with a funny, hot, and cool 6’2” (height is a huge turn-on for 6’5” me) girl. She’s in my department, which I know has your alarm bells ringing already, but in my experience, as long as you don’t date someone in your own lab (which means you will be working with and seeing them every day) or have a tiny department, it’s not a big deal and happens all the time.

I figured she had considered this (after all, we met at a departmental mixer for new students) and decided as well it wasn’t a big deal, because for the next 2 weeks she gave me green lights to move forward (lots of texting, kisses goodnight, hanging out a lot). This abruptly concluded when one night as I was walking her to her car, she informed me that we shouldn’t date because we’re in the same department. Since she’s reasonably intelligent I think it’s fair to assume this fact didn’t just dawn on her; instead this was an excuse. I kind of shrugged my shoulders, and did the same via text when she hit me with “sorry for leading you on.” I originally thought she just doesn’t want to date at all for the time being because we’re both new and she’s fresh out of undergrad/still in party mode (I’d been working for 2 years after graduating college), but I figure if that was her reason, she wouldn’t have felt the need to lie.

In any case, the reason doesn’t really matter-what does is the fact that she appears to have quite happily moved on as if nothing happened, yet it still bugs me immensely (to the point where I spend a disproportionate amount of time letting it gnaw at me). I know in the grand scheme of things this should be very inconsequential, and accordingly I’ve followed your world-famous Ufford Plan For Getting Over S**t (UPFGOS): working out, getting out there to meet other ladies, and going all Beef Moe on my classes and research. However, I was just wondering if there’s any specific advice you can give me for getting over getting rejected, as opposed to breakups (which I believe is usually the question at hand). I don’t see her very often (one class with a lot of people and at department social events i.e. tailgates) and try to keep it that way…is this a mistake? While I don’t see her every day, I will be seeing her consistently for the next few years, so I feel like getting to the point where I can see her without grinding my teeth sooner rather than later would be advantageous.
Thanks in advance,
D’Isiah T. Billings-Clyde

Keep your head held high and move on to someone else. Breakups are way worse than getting rejected (particularly when a breakup IS getting rejected).

You’re missing the forest for a single tree. Right now — as I type this — there are beautiful junior and senior girls getting ignored by their male classmates because there are sexy new freshmen on campus. Those juniors and seniors would love for nothing more than the attention of an older, more mature grad student. Go win them over with your worldly ways.

**********

Dear Cap’n,
Football: I’m in 2 money leagues with friends from high school and I started 3-0 in both of them. Humblebrag, I know. In one of them, I was offered Drew Brees and Julius Thomas for Doug Martin. My current QB is Russell Wilson and my current TEs are Coby Fleener and Tyler Eifert, so I jumped at this chance to upgrade both positions in one move and accepted the trade. My RB2 was Matt Forte, so he’s now my RB1 and my RB2 will have to come from some combination of Bilal Powell and Gio Bernard. In your opinion, did I correctly assume that the upgrades from Wilson to Brees at QB and Fleener/Eifert to Thomas at TE are worth the downgrade from Martin to Powell/Bernard at RB?

Yeah, I love that trade for you. Bernard will only put up better and better numbers as he pulls more touches away from BJGE, and Powell can be occasionally serviceable. Well done. Now you can shop Fleener around.

Sex: I’m a college freshman at a very large institution of higher learning in the South. Coming from the Northeast, I’ve had a good deal of trouble fitting in despite getting involved in some sports and activities as well as rushing Greek life (the costs, however, were prohibitive). I’m strongly considering a transfer at this point, and one of my top choices is transferring to a similarly large school closer to home. A sizable chunk of my high school’s graduating class goes to this university, including the girl who I’ve very much had a crush on for the past several years.

I’m going to stop you there for a moment. As someone who moved every three years growing up and joined the Marine Corps, I think there’s a lot of value in changing locations and forcing yourself to adapt to uncomfortable situations. I’m not telling you to rub some dirt on it ‘cuz it builds character blah blah blah, but I can tell you from experience that fighting through lonely times and finding a niche for yourself can deliver an almost euphoric sense of achievement.

So you’re not in a fraternity. Who gives a shit? There isn’t a single ACC or SEC school where even 50% of male students involved in Greek life. You’re in the majority! Just be yourself: play sports, take classes you like, and be nice to people. Enjoy the warm weather and pretty girls, because almost every grown man I know looks back on his college days with just one lament: “I wish I would have gone to school in the South.”

I don’t know. It’s very possible I’m projecting too much, and that’s not what you need to hear. If you’ve not read it, check out Drew Magary’s essay about being a lonely freshman who transferred. That may be of more help to you.

Anyway, back to you and your crush.

We’re very good friends, communicating daily, but at the same time I’ve always been just a friend to her. This is not a surprise or unreasonable, as in high school she was always more popular than me as well as being absolutely gorgeous and definitely out of my league looks-wise. She’s dated a couple of my friends (worse for me, I’ve even set some of these up) in the past, but is single now. I’ve let her know a couple times how I feel, but nothing changed in our relationship for better or for worse. It’s always frustrated me because on the surface I should never have a chance, but whenever we talk about her taste in guys and what she looks for in a boyfriend I (in my humble opinion) meet just about all of them, and she’s always adamantly maintained that looks don’t matter to her (hyperbole, but she is really the type of girl grounded enough to put looks further down the list of criteria). I assumed that college would inevitably drive us apart, as it often does with people from high school. However, with us potentially going to school together for the next 3.5 years, should I keep trying or just accept things for what they are and realize that I’m too deep in the friend zone to recover? I haven’t had all that much success with girls in college so far, nor did I in high school, although I’m not morbidly obese or acne-ridden or a social leper by any stretch of the imagination.
Best,
Nate Burleson’s Pizza

You’ve let her know how you feel, and she didn’t return those feelings. Period. That is 100% of the information that’s relevant. Filter everything else out, and let that sink in. She’s doesn’t have romantic feelings for you.

Transferring to her school just means that you get to long for her up close instead of from afar. I’d suggest spending less time communicating to her every day — about zero seconds sounds right to me — and redirecting that time to enjoying where you are.

**********

Hello Matt the stat guy (No? Ok sorry),
I’m in a league (0-3) .5 PPR where I cannot afford to lose, no one likes the smirks of co-workers after beating you, It’s like seeing a Jets player do well.. Just eww.

I present my roster:

QB: Ryan
RB: Gio Bernard, J. Bell
WR’s: D. Thomas, Moore
FLEX: Snelling
TE: Cook
D: KC

Bench: McGahee, Hopkins, Heath Miller, Jordy Nelson, Hakeem Nicks

1. Who would you run with this week?
2. Is Hakeem going to put up or shut up after talking smack this week? Concerned about starting him.
3. Don’t worry I follow your advice. I only run with one D (broncos) but I picked up a second for this week only because KC plays NYG, I mean.. c’mon, just.. c’mon.

I assume your Moore is Denarius and not Lance, yes? The only change I’d make to your roster is putting Nicks in over him — with Pryor’s status in doubt, I don’t like the question mark poised by Matt Flynn’s uncertain rapport with Moore. Nicks is a proven asset that I’d feel safe with despite the terrible output last week.

Relationship stuff: I’ve been in a relationship for a year now and things are going pretty smooth. My question isn’t so much about sex (It’s amazing) as it is about relationship in general. We’ve put on quite a bit of weight since dating each other, about 20-30lbs each (Not huge, still under 190), to the point where we feel tired all the time and without a lot of energy and it’s affecting our sex life. We’ve fallen into the routine of working 9-10 hours, meeting up to have dinner, helping her daughter do homework and then putting her to bed.

We want to break the routine but with a kid it becomes more difficult to find time to workout, and have energy. Mornings are no-good either b/c we can’t leave her alone. Any advice?

Cheers and thanks,
-Anonymous

Shit. That’s a tough one.

I think it’s important for you and your girlfriend to change up your routine. Your metabolism slowing down in your 30s is one of life’s real dick moves, and the only way to combat the inevitable extra pounds is to make healthier lifestyle changes. And while working out is part of the ideal equation, it’s hard to make that extra time. The good news is that changing your diet doesn’t take extra time. If you cut down on booze and carbs and make healthier dinners together (hello, chicken and steamed broccoli!), you’ll probably lose 5-10 pounds pretty quickly. If you don’t have time to go to the gym, then choose activities with her daughter that keep you moving — long walks, bike rides, chasing her around a playground. Your body’s not going to win the war against age and raising a kid, but you can fight some battles along the edges.

I’m sure the parents in the Kommentariat will have some insights into having sex during parenthood, but I’d say that a designated date night where you hire a baby-sitter or send her to a friend’s house is a good way to bring the focus back to your sexual relationship.

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Dearest Person who will hopefully solve all of my problems,

Doubt it!

Fantasy: this last week sucked huge donkey nuts. I’ve been killing it for two weeks and then every player I rely on just decided that it was bed-shitting week and, well, shit the bed. I’ve been thinking about trades for a while now and I’m hoping that a rough week all-around will send some people scrambling for some deals.

Sounds like a bad idea already. One bad week, so you’re going to overhaul your roster?

The trade I’ve concocted is giving up Welkah, Matty Ice, and Mendenhall for Demaryius Thomas and Gio Bernand. The guy I’m hoping to trade with has Eli, so he needs a qb. He’s also got D. Jackson and Cruz at receiver so I’m thinking he’ll be willing to part with Thomas. I need another solid running back so I’ve got greater options at RB2 and flex. I’ve got Purple Jeebus and B. Marshall for starters so I’m solid there. I’m tired of having to rely on D. Williams for rb2 and fuckin’ Mike Wallace for a flex so this should add some depth for me. Do you think giving up DeAngelo instead of Mendenhall would make him more likely to bite? Judge away.

Well, I’m curious about your backup QB, but assuming you’ve got someone solid, I like the trade you’re proposing. Since Demaryius is a monster, the other guy will probably want to give you DeSean or Cruz instead. Regarding DeAngelo, now’s a good time to sell on him, before Jonathan Stewart comes back.

As for sexy stuff it’s all coming up roses, sort of. I just graduated from college this past semester and I’m living in the city I graduated from. I’ve been dating the same girl since junior year and we have a great relationship. We’ve never had what I would call a fight (my ex and I used to get in screaming matches about once a month) but we always speak up when something’s bothering us, listen to each other, and try to fix our problems. I feel like such an adult now, WEIRD! Also we live together and have a ton of sex that I enjoy.

That’s great.

As for issues, I need a little perspective as I feel like I’m in a special situation. I never so much as kissed, let alone date, a girl until college. I had a lot of self-confidence problems and I didn’t feel ready for all that ish. I started dating my ex freshman year and the girl I’m currently dating is my second girlfriend. These are the only women I’ve ever been with.

My first relationship was, in hindsight, not a great situation and I just stuck with it for 2 years because she was my first and I was an idiot. I’m really really happy with my current situation but I always have these lingering thoughts that I’m just being a dumb early 20’s kid. Am I being blind again? It’s hard not to feel like I messed up or missed something by staying monogamous for all of college, given the hookup culture of the non-Mormon world. I like to think that I know myself fairly well as I’ve been through a lot (just not sexy times), and I know that committed relationships are what I want rather than hookups; but there’s always that shred of doubt that I’m really going to regret my choices down the road. I guess my question is, as a married person, how do you feel about giving up on that scene? I’ve had a lot of time to learn about myself through other events in my life but am I making a huge mistake by committing so much of my time and energy when I haven’t really spent it experiencing different things?
Best wishes and may your fantasy matchups drown in boozy defeat,
Gloreee boy punk Manziel-wannabe

Well, for starters, you’re not in a special situation. LOTS of people write into the mailbag with the whole “I’ve got this great girlfriend but I think maybe I haven’t hooked up with enough other women” thing. A such, I’ll tell you essentially what I tell everyone else.

When it comes to settling in to long-term monogamy, previous experience with other women is nice, but your happiness is more important. You’re only “missing out” on the dating scene and random hookups — or, more often, frustrating drunken nights where you end up alone — if you’re unhappy in your present relationship.

I got married at 33, and while I’m glad I dated around, I also didn’t like going through multiple break-ups and broken hearts. If you’re already happy and in love, you’re not missing out on anything.