schianolip

Its no secret I’m a big Reddit guy and while I was cruising the forums this morning I happen upon this little juicy stat. The Tampa Bay Bucs have been over 95% favorites to win in the last 5 minutes of 3 of their losses.

  • Jets 18, Bucs 17, 98% chance with 0:15 left. Lavonte David tackled Geno Smith out of bounds to get the Jets in field goal range, which they converted.
  • Saints 16, Bucs 14, 99% chance to win with 2:36 left. The Bucs attempt a questionable 47 yard field goal, which they missed. Then the Saints marched down the field 43 yards in a minute to kick a chipshot field goal.
  • Cardinals 13, Bucs 10, 95% chance to win with 4:12 left. Mike Glennon gets picked off deep in his own territory, and Arizona promptly scores. Tampa Bay gets the ball back, goes backwards, punts, gives up 30 yards in 30 seconds, allows a go-ahead field goal, and then Glennon gets intercepted again.

They got rid of the biggest problem in Josh Freeman, but now its time for Schiano to stop being polite, and start being real.

Unfortunately hes learned a hard truth about coaching in the NFL: You cant be your player’s best friend. Going the nice guy route has put more coaches in the unemployment line then Cam Newton, Randall Cunningham, and the rest ever will folks. “No more Mr. Nice Guy” as Alex Cooper once said, being the big huggable Teddy Bear hasnt worked and will continue to hasnt worked in todays NFL with the coddled players and R&B McNugget advertisements.

Greg Schiano came in to the league as one of the hottest coaches out there. Here was a guy whose college resume included “beating Louisville a time with Ray Rice” and “eating sandwiches with sides INSIDE the sandwich.” But now its time for the gloves to come off and put these Bucs through the ringer since they obviously can’t handle having a player-friendly coach. Here are my ideas for this week of practice:

  1. Bull in the ring to start every practice and pre-game warm-ups. Names out of a hat I dont care if you’ve got Darrelle Divas going up verse Gerald McCoy this team needs more toughness
  2. No more water breaks. You want to drink water instead of practice? You sound more like a fish then a football player son, maybe you should be a Dolphin (call up the Dolphins in front of everyone and ask if they want to trade for that player and laugh in his face when they refuse. Do this for every player who “needs” water.)
  3. Forget about Oklahoma Drills, were doing the “Florida Foxtrot” where you practice in a oversize Tweety Bird T-Shirt and do tackling drills with a menstruating housecat name “Miracles” buckled inside your facemask to improve your focus and attention to detail
  4. Make them practice in pads. By that I mean make anyone who missed a tackle the previous game wear “Always With Wings” under their jockstraps until they learn to tackle THROUGH your opponent, don’t make me cram a kotex up there too Mr. Diva
  5. No sex. This has been a proven technique for athletes ever since Ancient Greece when some of there best athletes never ever had sex with a woman, thats why Mike Glennon is so good
  6. Farve
  7. The Muscle Hamster has looked distracted,, take his phone away so he doesnt keep getting 3AM texts from Richard Gere
  8. Make each one of them sponser a real life Pirate from Africa or some other country with famine so they can take pride in their mascot and find out what it truly means to wear that helmet.
  9. “Coach S’s Famous Helmet Stickers*”
  10. Coach from the sidelines literally driving around in a Road Grader to set a tone that its time to go to work. And cuss more because your players will think your one of the cool adults if you cuss alot.

*Big ol loogies for good plays- this isn’t a awards show we’re a blue collar team son if you want a sticker go grab one of coaches Nicoderms and draw your own damn Stussy logo on it or whatever the hell