standardisstandard

Todd Haley: I called this meeting of the offense because I’ve been noticing resistance to the prevailing philosophy of this football team. That is not acceptable. We can’t have it. Everyone knows a football team is like English class – everyone has to be on the same page or else the retarded kid gets confused.

haleybengals

Mike Tomlin: That is the correct diagnosis of this particular situation.

Antonio Brown: But we’re not scoring any points! Something has to change!

Todd Haley: OH, THANKS FOR THE STATUS UPDATE, TONY. You see what I’m trying to work with, Mike? Amateur hour. Real Mickey Mouse operation we got going here. I know, Tony. I know we’re not scoring. That’s because YOU don’t have the patience to see the mastery of my design. The beauty is in its simplicity. We run the ball up the gut, we gain two yards. We do it a second time. We gain two yards. Then, just when the defense thinks they have us figured out, KAPOW, we hit ‘em with the bubble screen to the outside on third down. Sure, the first four or five times we do it, we’re gonna go three and out. But if you JUST LISTEN and STICK WITH IT, you’d see after that the defense starts to wear down. At that point, we’re only down 17-0 and we can dictate the pace of the rest of the game. I ask you, where is the flaw in that? SHOW ME THE FLAWS, DICK KISSERS!

benmad

Ben Roethlisberger: HELLO TOBACCO MOUTH. THE BEN NO MORE THROW THE DINKS. BEFORE TOBACCO MOUTH COME, THE BEN GOT TO RUN AROUND AND AROUND AND AROUND BEHIND BLOCKER GUYS THEN CHUCK BALL VERY FAR AND WHO KNOWS? SOMETIMES THE BEN GOT A TROPHY. NOW THE BEN JUST DINK AND DUNK AND DOOP AND DONE. THEN THE KICK MAN RUN OVER FROM SIDELINE AND EVERYBODY SAD. THE BEN TIRED OF KICK MAN. THE BEN TIRED OF DINKS AND THE BEN TIRED OF TOBACCO MOUTH ANGRY FACE. THE BEN TIRED! THE BEN TIRED! THE BEN… [Falls asleep]

Todd Haley: Look at that terrible work ethic. Passing out in the middle of a team meeting. How am I supposed to execute my strategy with that kind of commitment?

Antonio Brown: Ben is just frustrated, like all of us.

Todd Haley: Tony, you talk out of turn like that again, I’ll show you frustration like you wouldn’t believe. Frustration is seeing a bunch of limp-dick crybabies fail to carry out my brilliant playcalling. My playcalling didn’t make Paulson fumble that ball. But you wanna blame me? How many people can say they took the Cardinals to the Super Bowl? Just me, motherfuckers. Now, Big Bumblefuck over there wants to run the hurry-up and no-huddle because he wants to be fancy like all those other trendy offenses. Has Chip Kelly ever taken the Cardinals to the Super Bowl? No, and I’ll be damned if he ever does. Until then, you’re gonna run my bubble screens and like it.

Bruce Gradkowski: I’ll gladly throw your screens, sir.

Todd Haley: Excellent. I like your attitude, son. We should split an 8-ball sometime. Hey coach, we better start this Grandcauseway kid against Chicago if we know what’s good for us.

Mike Tomlin: You know you’re gonna get us fired, right?

Todd Haley: Fired? Don’t be a pussy. Gettin’ fired ain’t shit. That’s when the government pays for your smokes until another team gives you a job. Gettin’ fired is great.