he hasn't been the same since he saw that war movie
He hasn’t been the same since he came back from that war movie.

Last Week: 1-3

About that… Two of those losses were by a single point. It’s not a moral victory, but it’s kind of like a moral push. And most importantly, we’re learning. Take these nuggets to heart before losing more money this weekend.

1. The Jets and the Titans are undefeated against the spread. That’s weird and unnatural. Do not bet on this game, and if you do, be drunk.

2. That thing I said about the Raiders finishing above .500 ATS is moot as long as Matt Flynn is tasked with anything beyond recapping Breaking Bad for his far busier teammates.

3. The undefeated teams aren’t all that great. Also, winless teams aren’t all that bad, except for the Jaguars. And the Giants, hopefully.

Overall: 4-8

Onward, friends.

Stupid Ass Single-Game Parlay of the Week

Denver Broncos -11 vs. Philadelphia Eagles, OVER 57 points.

This is the highest line of the week and the highest over/under (by ten points). That’s because the Broncos have been unstoppable, despite giving up 24 points per game through three weeks. Sorry, this is all very technical. What I’m saying is that they are good at offense and bad at defense. Isn’t that right, noted NFL expert, Bill Barnwell?

“Coaches who don’t go for it on fourth and short are stupid.”

GOD DAMN IT, BILL, THAT’S NOT WHAT I ASKED.

Road Favorite of the Week

Indianapolis Colts -9 at Jacksonville Jaguars

The Jaguars score touchdowns in 33% of their games. You know who has shown an ability to lead his team to a touchdown in more than a third of his games AND will put butts in the seats? That’s right, Brett Favre. And Tim Tebow. Hey, the Jaguars should sign Tim Tebow. How has no one put this together?

Home Dog of the Week

Houston Texans +3 vs. Seattle Seahawks

Let’s see how you guys do without the benefit of UNFAIR ACOUSTICS. Speaking of which, that stadium is awesome. Even if it wasn’t as loud as I thought it would be, any stadium that sells west coast microbrews for less than the cost of a Miller Lite at FedEx Field is good with me. Also, it’s not in neighborhood that isn’t just a megachurch and low-rent strip mall.

Road Dog of the Week

Chicago Bears +3 at Detroit Lions

Kevin from The League is the worst. Jay Cutler should steal Jenny right out from under him.

Literal Dog of the Week

couch dog

This dog has it all figured out.

Special Prop Bet of the Week

Mike Shanahan will not be the coach of the Washington Redskins in Week 1 of 2014 (EVEN)

RGIII finally lives up to his coach killer potential. Make him a player-coach and see if goes full Ouroboros.

Fantasy Matchup of the Week

Week4 Matchup

Here is Ryan explaining his submission.

Well I know this looks bad, but I swear this isn’t a klan league. We even have a Middle Eastern guy in our league: hurray equality!

Some of his best fantasy players are black!

Pro Tip of the Week

Try as I might, I’m probably not going to be able to help you make any money. However, I can offer tips that will help you out in other walks of life. It could be a recommendation on something to read, advice on lighting for your home, something useful I learned on the internet, or, more likely, something about food.

You should probably know this by now, but don’t replace your incandescent light bulbs with compact fluorescent. It’s not a question of if fluorescent lighting will kill you, but when. The answer: soon. Buy LED instead. Use Cree to replace traditional A19 bulbs and Philips to replace PAR or BR bulbs in ceiling fixtures. Enjoy never changing another bulb until you move.

Send me an email if you would like to submit a Fantasy Matchup or a Pro Tip for future consideration.