i mean this in the most sexual way possible
I mean this in the most sexual way possible.

The season has begun! And on Sunday it really begins. The Thursday Night Football season kickoff served its purpose (eventually), but it doesn’t feel really real until I’m watching eight games at once with tabs open for all of my fantasy teams and pools. Also, day drinking.

There is one other component. The force that drives the NFL more than any other.

GAMBLING

So yes, it’s time to start talking about gambling.

I feel like I have a pretty good grasp on the goings on around the leauge, yet I remain a terrible gambler. That puts me in elite company with everyone else.

Nobody is good at this. Floyd Mayweather wants you to think he’s good at this when he tweets pictures of six-figure winners from a Vegas sportsbook next to a stack of hundreds?, but he’s not. If he were he could do that for a living, instead of getting paid to avoid the punches of larger slower men.

And yet we continue to pick games, and gamble when the opportunity presents itself. Because it’s fun. Because it’s exciting. Because this is AMERICA.

Favorite of the Week

Tampa Bay Buccaneers -3 vs. New York Jets

tampa
via

You don’t have to be a drunk amateur stripper to know that Tampa is a solid bet this week. The Jets are a popular pick at the bottom of many pre-season power rankings (an important metric if ever there was one). Everyone agrees that they are going to be as terrible as terrible can get. This kind of negativity will lead lots of people to think that they can’t possibly be this bad. They will decide that everyone is picking the Bucs and go in the opposite direction. They will be wrong. The Jets are fucked, as is the whole “go against the crowd” crowd. Jerks.

Other Favorite of the Week

San Francisco 49ers -4.5 vs. Green Bay Packers

Just doing my part to disrespect Aaron Rodgers and the shitty defense with whom he shares a locker room.

Dog of the Week

Atlanta Falcons +3 at New Orleans Saints

Atlanta is a good team that has averaged 12 wins over the past three seasons, and they are getting points against a team that should be good. That’s enough to take them. Oh god, it all makes too much sense. The Saints are going to put up 50 points. Put all of your money on the teams I picked against immediately.

Other Dog of the Week

Tennessee Titans +7 at Pittsburgh Steelers

Because the Steelers suck, mostly.

Literal Dog of the Week

dog meets lamb
[via]

He’s friends with a lamb! The closest my dogs have ever gotten to a lamb is that time I spilled leftovers. They were probably just as happy.

Fantasy Matchup of the Week

fantasy matchup

My PPR league is pretty Jewy.

Useful Tip of the Week

Try as I might, I’m probably not going to be able to help you make any money. However, I can offer tips that will help you out in other walks of life. It could be a recommendation on something to read, it could be a tip on lighting for your home, but most likely it will be about food.

Wrap yo’ butt…

The most influential thing I read in the past week was about barbecue, which makes sense, because barbecue is way more important than Syria. Serious Eats/Meatwave writer Joshia Bousel got me to reconsider my approach to pulled pork in a single article, which is pretty impressive because I’m unreasonably stubborn. I mention this because we are entering the ideal time of year for this magical hunk of animal. Pulled pork is a first ballot HOF football food, and it’s best to prepare it when it’s not freezing outside.

Send me an email if you would like to submit a Fantasy Matchup or a Useful Tip for future consideration.