Blaine Gabbert
Blaine Gabbert’s injury means one fewer easy decision this week.

Every year I get way too excited about one particular team. I pick them against the spread, I rate them a bit too high in my confidence pool and I’m even tempted to gamble on them in my suicide pool. This year it’s Oakland. Because I am stupid and easily attracted to shiny new things. Terrell Pryor shines like a motherf*cker.

jenna
Via Uproxx

I think I love him. Last week he nearly unraveled my suicide pool in week 1, and this week I was all set to do the stupid thing and pick them for week 2. Then Blaine Gabbert’s stigmata saved me from myself. That lacerated hand is going to keep him out this week, so in steps Chad Henne with his sh*t-eating smirk and suspiciously competent quarterbacking.

So don’t go giving six points to take the Raiders, don’t pick them up as a one week fantasy defense and certainly don’t pick them in your suicide pool. Wait patiently and do all of those things when they play the Jets.

Last Week: 2-2

Onward, friends.

Home Favorite of the Week

Chicago Bears -6 vs. Minnesota Vikings

Christian Ponder’s badness is equal to Adrian Peterson’s goodness.

Road Favorite of the Week

New Orleans Saints -3.5 at Tampa Bay Buccaneers

The tumultuous Buccaneers season has gone from popular prediction to Florio headline bait. Of course this team is fucked. Their coach is a standout asshole in a profession where “asshole” is a LinkedIn endorsement. Now reports are emerging that the quarterback he hates so much showed up late for a team photo, which may or may not have led to a a vote on his captaincy that may or may not have been legitimate. So yeah, Saints by touchdown.

Dog of the Week

Washington Redskins +8 at Green Bay Packers

I didn’t even realize that Kerry Rhodes was a free agent until Drew posted about it yesterday. In related news, the Redskins got torched on Monday night while playing with a reserve cornerback at strong safety. So what if no beat writer saw him take a single rep at that position in training camp? All reports indicate that he loooooves pussy.

Other Dog of the Week

Tennessee Titans +10 at Houston Texans

Did the Steelers come through for me last week by confirming that they are as shitty as I thought? Or is it possible that the Titans had something to do with Pittsburgh’s offensive ineptitude? Eh, probably a bit of both.

Boxing Dog of the Week

Saul “Canelo” Alavrez +240 vs. Floyd Mayweather

Hey, there’s a big boxing match this weekend that you may very well attract your attention! Surprising, right? Hell, six years ago Bill Simmons said that boxing was dying because there were no good fights left to make after Mayweather/De La Hoya. Surprise, Bill Simmons dictated that article with his magical talking asshole. Boxing is still really fun, you guys. You should watch this fight. And you should definitely watch the fight that precedes it.

Anyway…I don’t love the odds of Canelo connecting with a knockout punch. And I certainly wouldn’t bank on Canelo can out-pointing Mayweather over 12 rounds. But of all the fights Mayweather has taken, in this, the increasingly “selective” portion of his career, Canelo offers the most interesting challenge.

The smart money remains on Mayweather (after all, these are the best odds we’ve seen for Mayweather in years). And yet, the fun bet is always on the underdog. Canelo is as live a dog as Mayweather has fought since that De La Hoya spectacle. So hell, go with the ginger. And maybe, just maybe, Floyd will break his hands on Canelo’s big dumb head.

Literal Dog of the Week

49ers bulldog
This is your bulldog’s way of telling you that he’s a Packers fan.
Via

Fantasy Matchup of the Week

mendenhall and oats
Via reader Aaron.

Pro Tip of the Week

Try as I might, I’m probably not going to be able to help you make any money. However, I can offer tips that will help you out in other walks of life. It could be a recommendation on something to read, it could be a tip on lighting for your home, but most likely it will be about food.

Don’t buy a knife set. They are either cheap garbage or way too expensive (here is one exception, if you insist on matching). Smart people insist you only really need* three knives, a chef’s knife, a paring knife and a long serrated knife. The chef’s knife is the most important, because it does everything, while the other ones are for slicing tomatoes or making frilly radish roses. So get something good that fits your price range. That means this, this or THIS.

If you’re going to spend money on a knife, don’t be dumb, hold it in your hand first. Then get something to store them in or on. A magnetic strip or a knife roll will free up counter space. The former looks cool, the latter makes you feel like you’re on Top Chef.

Oh, and don’t buy serrated steak knives. Straight blade all the way.

*Go ahead and buy more. Buying stuff makes you feel good.

Send me an email if you would like to submit a Fantasy Matchup or a Useful Tip for future consideration.