Last year: 6-10, third place in AFC South
Acquisitions: Shonn Greene, Bernard Pollard, Chance Warmack, Ryan Fitzpatrick, George Wilson, Andy Levitre
Departures: Jared Cook, Steve Hutchinson, Matt Hasselbeck, Will Witherspoon
Vegas win total over/under: 6 1/2 wins
Five players Bernard Pollard can injure in lieu of another Patriot this season:
- Ben Roethlisberger
- Golden Tate
- Philip Rivers
- Wes Welker (again)
- Colin Kaepernick
Fan forecast by Classicalite’s Elle Kaye Jung:
Here but a few scant days before they travel up to Pittsburgh to down a Primanti’s sammy, ride up the Monongahela Duquesne incline, feign appreciation for Warhol’s later “films” and, oh yeah, to officially kick-off the true NFL season proper, as far as this fan oscillates, I count not greater than 1-II-c (3) variables concerning the regards to this year’s Tennessee Titans. Ostensibly. And respectively. And much like the title of that Errol Morris “film” that’s got all of Telluride in a tinted tizzy, these Titans, too, are tautological. (Quick, someone tell Phil Kline to get back that G.I.’s Zippo; he’s got some engravin’ to do.)
To wit, let’s start with what Donald Darko dubs the “known knowns.” Tennessee only won one, singular, of its pre-season walk-abouts–a cute l’il number against Atlanta, 27-16, long ago on August 24 (i.e. Mike Shanahan’s 61st birthday). Speaking of Shanahands, though, his R-E-D-S-K-I-N-S squad only won by one single point in their debut against these here 2013-14 Titans. The same grace goes I, single, for the Titans’ most recent 24-23 loss to Les Frazier’s Nords. Pre-season, schmee-schmeäson, but of course, I’m just, ya know, sayin’.
And now, s’il vous plaît, those pesky “known unknowns.” Tennessee’s got three new starters–count ‘em, Dano–on their O-face line. While you were busy literally pissing away the light beer benies that millions of Wobblies have wrought by not working on Monday, Mike Munchak pulled an even faster one on his O-rganized labor. You see, Mr. Rob Turner was named starting center over incumbent Fernando Velasco, who, alas, got waived the frack out during Coach M&M’s final solution…of personnel, that is. True, Munchak was a Hall of Fame offensive lineman for the county of Houston back in the day when he was young (he’s not a kid anymore, Ahmad), so similar to that album from another great American songwriter, Tracy Bonham, I’m gonna assume #63 knows better the burdens of being (semi) upright more than a fan who’s own last snap was the same year that “Mother, Mother” came out on Island. #96, indeed. But not all is gone to churn. Apropos of Missus Bonham’s panegyric, my fave Titan cheerleader, Chasity, has proven that, if you drop the baby weight fast enough, Angel, you really can look home again! As “mother to the two cutest munchkins ever,” [OK, italics mine] Chasity has certainly earned both the missing “t” in her Christian name, as well as a sur one altogether now.
I’ll take my leave of Nashville, then, with a Socratic surfeit of “unknown unknowns.” Where in the world, ABC or Hulu, is QB Sean Butler? Has his heart healed enough to play on Sunday?? Or did Take 5 get back together, or something???
I want more like this!
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