eskimo-bros

Three weeks until the start of the NFL season, folks. That thought makes me want to chug a six-pack, tear my shirt off, and run out into the street to kiss strangers hard on the mouth. Unfortunately, my marriage vows make that impossible, and anyways the Turkish guy at the deli didn’t take kindly to my advances the last time I tried it.

Today’s mailbag covers a lot of keeper and draft questions (I have BOLD TAKES), but also the nuances of living with a woman for the first time and how to explain that you’ve seen her best friend naked. Like, not accidentally walking in on her changing, but on-purpose full-contact naked. Always a fun conversation. Let’s get to it:

Dear KSK,
Pigskin- Keeper dilemma. Thanks to an ill-advised, drunken, Saturday night substitution of The Law Firm (1 point) over Darren Sproles (17 points), I’m now unfortunately the back-to-back runner up of my 12 team, half point ppr, keeper league. The good news is I’ve got a pretty nice selection of guys to choose from this year (pick two, no round penalty)- CJ Spiller, Alfred “The Butler” Morris, Dez and Gronk.

Spiller and Dez.

Clearly Gronk is getting kicked to the curb,

Oh — sorry. Didn’t realize you weren’t done with your analysis. Please continue. Makes my job easier.

but I’m really torn between the other three. I know the two RBs ADP are slightly higher, but I think Dez has the best long term potential, and ended last season on an absolute tear. Spiller scares me because of his injury history, rookie QB at the helm and Fred Jackson’s shift to TD poacher. Whereas Morris plays for a coach who’s committed to the run game and has a much more potent offense

With that being said, Spiller definitely has the higher ceiling because he’s never gotten the chance to be “the guy” before, and as you mentioned last week, he could see upwards of 30 touches per game. What two players should I stick with?

There’s a good chance that Morris is the safest bet of the bunch, but if it were my choice, I’d go all-in with Spiller and Dez, particularly because of the PPR factor in your league. The Spiller talk around Bills camp includes the phrases “30 touches a game” and “2000-yard season.” Obviously, you need to dial those numbers back a little once you filter out the preseason optimism through the lens of reality, but at the very least Spiller looks to be an integral part of the passing game, which couldn’t be less true of Morris. Assuming he stays healthy — a big “if” with anyone in football, especially RBs — I think Spiller will be a top-three RB in PPR leagues (along with Jamaal Charles and LeSean McCoy) this season.

As for Dez, I think he continues on the pace he set during the second half of 2012. Throwing out ADP as a factor, I’d consider taking him ahead of A.J. Green.

Pinkskin- Nothing crazy/scandalous to report on, but I am taking the plunge and moving into a studio apartment in Manhattan with my girlfriend of 3 and a half years later this month which I’m very excited about (I’m 25, she’s 23). Aside from the standard “be respectful of each other’s space”, “don’t be a disgusting pig” what are some other tips on how to coexist while living with your significant other for the first time, especially in such close corridors?

Hoooooooo BOY. The good news is you guys are still on the younger side, which means you should at least spend the first month walking around naked and wearing down the corners on every piece of furniture. Once the newness wears off, though, it will be PAINFULLY obvious how small that apartment is for two people to share. You realize that “studio” is a euphemism for “one room,” yes? The only place you’ll have privacy is the bathroom.

When you live with someone who is also your lover, you can’t afford to quietly harbor the peccadilloes you might have with a standard roommate. You have to communicate small annoyances politely and express patience when she doesn’t correct those annoyances. Even more difficult: empathy. When she’s mad at you for some habit you’ve had your entire life and ALWAYS did in your own apartment, you have to take a deep breath, try to adopt her perspective, and understand — or at least acknowledge — the validity of her feelings. It’s fucking HARD, because every impulse in your body is like, “Get off my case, woman!” THEN you have to work on changing a habit you’ve had for decades.

It takes a while to get to that point, but if each of you places the other person’s happiness first, you can get through it with a minimum of tears and shouting.

(Also: when talking about tight proximity, use “close quarters” rather than “close corridors” — although I suppose the latter works if your apartment is a collection of narrow hallways.)

As penance for my lack of a real sex question, allow me to present you with Niykee Heaton, a 19 year old YouTube sensation* (namely for her acoustic covers of rap songs) with a penchant for highwaisted pants.

*I use that term very lightly, she’s just smoking hot

Thanks, and good luck this season!
-Ballsdeepak Chopra

Ugh, she lost me at the spelling of “Niykee.” That name pisses off Drew Magary at least three different ways. I just don’t get why parents do that. It’s like sentencing your child to stupidity. You know why there are no doctors named Kayden? BECAUSE THEY’RE FUCKING NAMED KAYDEN. “Yeah, uh, I named my daughter after a luxury car, because it’s the closest she’ll ever come to moving up an income bracket.” Man do I hate white people sometimes.

That girl IS super-hot, though.

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Hello, oh lord of fantasy advice,
I wrote in a couple of weeks ago regarding potential draft software to take account of my league’s insanely complicated keeper system, and my general dislike of ESPN’s system. I tried to take you advice and switch the team over to Yahoo. Unfortunately, the more vocal contingent of the league bitched and moaned about the move, so we’ve come to a compromise where we will be drafting in Yahoo and then playing the season over at ESPN. Philistines….

Anyway, my question this week pertains to who I should take with my first pick. Its a 12 team PPR league, 3 keepers each, with 6 point TDs.

I assume by this you mean ALL touchdowns are 6 points, which means one of your keepers should be a quarterback.

Thanks to some lucky drafting I’m pretty set with my core players: Jaamal Charles for a 2nd, Dez Bryant for a 3rd, and Matty Ice for my 5th. I also managed to luck into the second pick overall, but I’m having trouble figuring out what to do with it. Thanks to the keeper situation, the RB pool is heavily depleted so I figure my best move is to grab another top tier guy. The guy with the 1st pick is definitely going with Foster, leaving Shady McCoy and Ray Rice as the only two really viable options left on the board (Matt Forte is the next RB on the chart. Thats how bad it is.)

Shady. All the way.

I was initially leaning towards Rice, but this whole Chip Kelly thing has me intrigued. I mean, Shady has always produced despite a dog-shit o-line and Andy Reid’s play calling, who knows what he could do with a guy like Kelly at the helm? My other concern there is that I know if I go with McCoy I’m going to have to reach for Bryce Brown in a mid round situation. What are your thoughts?

My thoughts are:

  • LeSean McCoy is going to be a top-5 fantasy back this season.
  • Bryce Brown will get enough touches to be a useful fantasy player even when McCoy is healthy and starting.
  • Ray Rice, though still a top fantasy back, will lose carries and red-zone chances to Bernard Pierce.

Most NFL teams run 60-65 offensive plays per game. Last year, the Patriots led the league by a wide margin with 74 plays per game.

In the Eagles’ first preseason game under Chip Kelly, they ran 86. More plays, more touches, more yards, more fantasy points. Keep McCoy.

Sex: Again, not really an issue for me. As recompense, here’s Kate Upton being all Kate Upton-y:

kate-upton-terry-richardson-outtakes-10122012-01-435x580

Thanks again!
Oliver Klozoff

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El Capitan,
Fantasy First: I’m in an auction keeper league and can keep 3 players for their draft price plus 10 dollars. We start with a 300 budget and my options including the 10 dollar bump are Jamaal Charles for 37, AJ Green for 63, Stafford for 15, or Kaepernick for 11.

While its possible I could get AJ Green for a similar price again, I doubt it, but then again those two QBs are soooo cheap. Then again again, if I keep them both, I will invariably pick the wrong one to start every week. Please lay some insight on me.

Charles is a no-brainer, as is Green since you don’t need two quarterbacks. But which one? Kaepernick’s never played a whole season, while Stafford’s 2012 was the kind of shit sandwich that sinks an entire fantasy team (I should know, it happened to me).

Listen, I want to tell you to keep Kaepernick, because owning Matt Stafford can be so infuriating. But I think the Niners’ offense is too ground-oriented to make that call. In the seven games Kaepernick started last year, the only time he cracked 20 fantasy points (standard scoring) was his 4-TD performance against Miami. Matt Stafford and his 20-to-17 TD/INT ratio averaged 22.8. Ugh, stupid numbers. Why must you trump my feelings?

Sexy Time: I wrote to you about this time last year about getting broken up with by a girl who sews and asked if two people with different needs and wants could get along.

Well it turns out you were right, two different people can get along if they are happy together. We got back together about 8 months ago and are extremely happy with one another (she stopped sewing and filled that time with blogging!).

Yay?

We are so happy in fact that presumably by the time this gets published, we will be engaged. I have at least one other friend that reads you consistently (sup Rob), so I hope this is not how he finds out about that, but I guess that’s on me.

(a) Congrats!

(b) Hey Rob.

(c) Is there a question here?

I tried (briefly) to find you a picture of Gwen Stefani who I think is incredibly gorgeous, but it appears she has an aversion to lingerie or maybe I just suck at the Internet. How about I wish that Russell Wilson guy good luck?
Thanks in advance,
Breesus’ 13th Apostle

I will accept your well-wishing on Russ’s behalf. As for Gwen Stefani, I can’t recall any lingerie photos, but she IS good at wearing bikinis to the beach.

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El Capitan,
Fantasy; I play in a competitive 10-team big money league with my buddies. Our draft is soon approaching and I have the #6 pick. I’m in no-mans land strategy wise as far as I’m concerned. Any advice? Our scoring is .5 ppr and 5pt QB TD passes otherwise standard scoring. Should I be aggressive in getting a QB early, possibly at 6? I feel like getting guaranteed floor guys who can produce is my best bet given my shitty position and dissuades me from reaching since I have to wait so long between each pick.

A QB is tempting, but I’d be more inclined to grab a pass-catching running back. As noted above, I have high expectations for C.J. Spiller (ADP: 6) and LeSean McCoy (ADP: 9), at least one of which will be available to you. You could also do worse than Calvin Johnson in that spot.

Sex: Started dating a woman in May, let’s call her Lauren. We had met a few times before that and in May we exchanged numbers one night at a bday party for our mutual friend. I know she had casually dated/hooked up with said friend a few years ago, but he is now happily married and I’m late-20′s/grownup/mature enough to not be bothered by the eskimo brotherhood (nor was our mutual married friend when I told him I was going after her). I have grown to really like Lauren and develop feelings for her and she has made it clear the feeling is mutual. Our personalities mesh well together, we have similar interests and hobbies and she has a wicked sense of humor. She’s met my siblings/cousins/friends and they unanimously agree she is a keeper.

Just like Randall Cobb!

Here’s the problem; while Lauren knows that I know and don’t care she “dated” my buddy some years ago, she has no clue I slept with one of her best friends as well in the past (let’s call her best friend Maya). I live in a major city so this is coincidental but it happened nonetheless. I came to discover this the first time I spent a night at Laurens house and asked her if the girl in one of the pictures on her fridge was Maya and she said yes and asked me if I knew her.

“Nope! She just looks like a Maya, you know?”

I told her I did but named mutual friends of Lauren and I that also were friends with Maya so it didn’t come off fishy. The question I am wrestling with is do I tell Lauren and if so, how? It happened like 3-4 years ago, Maya is now engaged so I doubt she would say anything unless she just wanted to be a jerk. I really like Lauren and want to be honest but she’s also an emotional and sensitive soul and prone to womanly irrationality so the “hey you fucked my friend and I didn’t care” defense may not work.

This is a fairly common predicament: withholding nonessential information to keep a young relationship going smoothly, only for the relationship to keep going smoothly, thereby making that nonessential information important enough to be problematic. The webs we weave.

If I could keep it secret and guarantee Maya doesn’t talk I’d be ok with that but I don’t know if that’s foolproof.

It’s not.

I haven’t seen Maya socially in at least a year as per her FB she’s working like crazy so one option I suppose is direct messaging her in private and asking for silence or to let me break the news if she feels it must be shared.

Please, please, PLEASE do not do that. The very last thing in the world you want to do is re-establish a private connection with Maya to talk about the sex you had four years ago. What happens if Lauren happens to see your Facebook? What if Maya tells Lauren? What if Maya’s fiancé doesn’t know you two hooked up until he uses Maya’s computer? That scenario is stacked with AWFUL possible outcomes.

I’m hoping her engagement keeps her quiet on the times we did the deed and I know if I continue dating Lauren I’ll eventually have to hangout with the both of them. Awkward. I like Lauren though. Help!!
Yours,
It ain’t no fun if the homies can’t have none

Okay, hear me out on this one. What if Maya — and I’m just spitballing here — suffered an “accident” at work? No double dates! Problem solved!

I’m kidding, of course. Most offices lack the heavy machinery necessary to pull off that kind of scheme, so you’re left with a slightly more unsavory task: dealing with your girlfriend! I see two viable ways of doing this:

  • Tell Lauren up front that, years before you met her, you hooked up with Maya, and you’re sorry you didn’t mention it before, but it was early in the relationship and you didn’t want to potentially ruin a good thing. (If you choose this route, it may be best to wait for Maya’s name to come up organically.)
  • Don’t tell Lauren anything, and when she finally finds out — the day WILL come — shrug it off and say, “I didn’t think it was relevant, it happened years before I met you.”

Which option you think is better depends on a combination of Lauren’s temperament (“emotional, sensitive, and prone to irrationality” — lucky you!), whether you prefer to be proactive or reactive, and a carefully thought out damage-control plan. But don’t worry about it TOO much, because the reality is this: people have circles of friends. Within those overlapping circles, people meet and drink and sometimes sleep together. Sometimes the sleeping together becomes a relationship, other times it’s just sex. But the sex rarely changes the circles of friends. For the most part, we go on being friends (or at least being friendly) because that’s what adults do. If Lauren can’t understand that — or why you didn’t feel the need to share it at the beginning of the relationship — then maybe she isn’t QUITE the keeper everyone thinks she is.

Just like Colin Kaepernick!