(via Getty Image)


Mark Sanchez: Shonn, this has been a terrible start to the season. Cannot think of a worse training camp in my life. I don’t even know if I’m starting this season, much less if I’m going to be starting during this weekend.

Shonn Greene’s Empty Locker:

Mark Sanchez: Is it going to be Geno starting? Have you heard anything?

Shonn Greene’s Empty Locker:

Mark Sanchez: I knew it! It’s Smith and no one has the ‘nads to tell me the truth. This is some bullpucky, Greenie.

Shonn Greene’s Empty Locker:

Mark Sanchez: Unless Coach told you not to spoil the surprise and I am starting. Is Coach throwing me a surprise party to celebrate me starting? With cake? Hopefully chocolate cake. Can you let Coach know I like chocolate cake over yellow cake? I mean, don’t let him know I know he’s throwing me a starting quarterback party, but if it comes up what type of cake he should order, mention you’ve seen me really enjoying chocolate cake. Just casually. Say we had cake on the team plane and I definitely took a chocolate piece  of cake over a yellow cupcake. With chocolate frosting.

Shonn Greene’s Empty Locker:

Mark Sanchez: You’re right. Lips sealed. If you say something about cake he’ll know I know and will start Smith just because the party was spoiled. I won’t say a thing. You’re the best friend a starting quarterback could have on the team, Shonn. Except, why haven’t you mentioned anything about my new mustache? You don’t like it?

(Door flies open)

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Rex Ryan: HOW FUU… ER… HECK YOU DOING, BOYS?

Mark Sanchez: Coach! So surprising to see you here! And not swearing!

Rex Ryan: Of course it’s a surprise to you, Nacho. Er, um… A smart man told me recently, “profanity is the last refuge of the inarticulate.” Trying to be smarter, Nacho. Just trying to seem like a smart, together head coach this season.

(Ryan looks at a notecard he’s been holding behind his back.)

Rex Ryan: That reminds me, have you seen Geno?

Mark Sanchez: Geno? Um, no. I think he was looking to get us some chocolate cake. Because we both like chocolate cake. Not just me, he does too. But especially me.

Rex Ryan: Well who doesn’t like chocolate cake, Nacho? Last slap…er, um.

(Consults notecard again.)

Rex Ryan: Let me just add that the last person to say they didn’t like chocolate cake in the facility found themselves in Tennessee this offseason.

(Studies both sides of his notecard.)

Rex Ryan: The real issue here is that I am trying to find Geno.

Mark Sanchez: Why are you looking for Geno? What is that piece of paper you keep looking at? Can I see it? Does it have Geno’s name on it? Is it for him? Are they new plays? I can learn new plays for this weekend. Chocolate cake left 22 sweep!

Rex Ryan: (Looking down at his notecard.) Let me answer you by saying that no, Geno’s name is not on this notecard and there are not any new plays on it.

Mark Sanchez: Then can I see it? You know, just in case? Is it notes about my mustache? Because I can shave it off once I finish licking the frosting out of it.

Rex Ryan: You will each receive a copy of these as you leave today.

Mark Sanchez: Party invitations?

Rex Ryan: What is wrong with you, Nacho? Are you not paying attention to what I am saying? Is your new Dirty Nacho mustache thinking for you? This notecard is for answering questions. I’m sick and tired of us looking like a mudder-flicking circus so we’re going to start being better with the press by using these phrases.

Jets Media Card

Mark Sanchez: But the press already loves me. They’re always smiling and laughing when they’re in the locker room, telling me how great I am for their columns. Just look at how much coverage my GQ spread and mustache already got us this summer. Isn’t that right, Shonn?

Shonn Greene’s Empty Locker:

Rex Ryan: Why are you talking to Geno Smith’s empty locker? The real issue here is that we seemed to have lost Geno.

(Door draws open.)

Geno Smith: Sorry, I’m late Coach Ryan. I just wanted tell your assistant there is a grammatical error on the back of the media cards we talked about. Don’t worry. They’re going to go ahead and print up new ones for everyone.

Mark Sanchez: Wait, you knew about the media cards already? You discussed them? What else did you talk about? Why wasn’t I there? Was there a starting quarterback party I wasn’t invited to?

Rex Ryan: Calm down, Nacho. We were just making small talk and chatting while taking in the eighteenth-century pastels exhibition at The Met. Nothing serious, sometimes when you get out of the office to brainstorm, you get ideas to make your team better. Geno here is what they call a “gifted child” and he learned how to paint instead of having to study history like the rest of us. Figured going to the museum would make him feel right at home here in New York. Somewhere between the sculpture garden and calligraphy exhibit, I mentioned to Geno I wanted the New York Jets to be taken seriously and he said we should have a uniform front with the press. Let me just add this was just two people talking, not leaving you out, Nacho.

Geno Smith: I wouldn’t even try to take on the job of coaching, what I can tell you is that pastels really do capture what colors were used in the eighteen century far more than oils or watercolors of the time as their tones haven’t faded or damaged by restoration.

Mark Sanchez: Why don’t we go and brainstorm, Coach? I can talk about, um, things and art. I know how to look at light from GQ shoot, let me show you.

(Sanchez, poses, tilting his head up to the track lighting while trying to smize with this eyes. Mostly he looks like he needs to hold in a fart.)

rex2

Rex Ryan: Woo-boy, Nacho. If you need to fart just let it rip. Just because Geno likes art doesn’t mean he’ll be offended by your butt bean burps. We stopped at the Met’s cafe — you always have to go to a museum’s cafe, Nacho, they get the fancy snacks like salume with figs and honey — and I got so gassed up on Manchego, nearly ripped the leather under rump right in half. I didn’t think Geno here would survive the car ride back to the training facility.

Geno Smith: The body is wondrous, odorous playground. I do believe I let one or two slip during my rehearsals for the “Nutcracker” in my youth.

Mark Sanchez: Have we brainstormed, Coach? What about the time we were at Silky’s in Hoboken? You told me I was full of great ideas that night.

Rex Ryan: Your idea in Hoboken was to order ten more girls and a handle of Sour Apple Pucker. That was a great plan, and I respect that you picked Jets green for the drink, but if you look at it closely, that did not do much to help us get the respect we need around the league as a top-flight, together organization.

Mark Sanchez: So if we have it together this season, does that mean you’re going to let us know who is the starting quarterback?

(Geno Smith hands Rex Ryan a corrected notecard.)

Rex Ryan: That’s not my area of expertise.