WOOO PARTY


My wife is out of town this week. I’ve joked to my friends that “Single Matt” is ready to go out and hit the town, but when you’re married, the mere absence of your spouse is nothing CLOSE to single life. Like, I haven’t even been in a bar or gone out with friends after work since my wife’s been gone. It’s just been action movies on Netflix and store-bought salad on the couch, with one trip to a friend’s apartment for some Settlers of Catan, because I am a party animal. Everything else is garden-variety dudeness: dishes in the sink, dog on the bed, unopened mail on the table. FINALLY THE CLUTTER I LONG FOR.

Three days is about right for that little break. Day 4 rolls around and you’re like, “Ugh, I miss that person I vowed to spend my life with.” So, Mrs. Ufford, come back home already. Everyone else: let’s do this mailbag.

Dearest Caveman,
Football first: I have the second pick in my draft this year and am worried about Arian Foster. Obviously Adrian Peterson will go first, but with my second pick, should I just roll with Foster despite his huge workload over the past three years and his preseason injury? My other thought would be to make a slight reach and take Aaron Rodgers (6pt passing TD league) and minimize risk. What say you?

I agree: I think Foster’s poised to take a step back this year. If it’s an option, I’d recommend trading down a spot or five. A lot of people are rounding out their top three with Foster and Doug Martin, but I think Jamaal Charles and LeSean McCoy will both have better seasons — and you’ll be able to get one of them with the 6th pick.

BUT: there’s the issue of the 6-point passing TDs, my fantasy nemesis. You MUST have a top QB in these leagues, because you’re not going to win with Alex Smith when people with Rodgers or Peyton Manning are getting 40 or 50 points from their QB almost every week. So go ahead and draft Rodgers if you can’t trade down. You’re going to suffer through the season with shitty running backs, but sometimes that’s the price you pay for an ELITE quarterback.

Sex: My wife’s friend wants to bang me. She’s been heavily flirting with me and edging up to the line of flat-out propositioning me for over a year. I don’t think I can talk to my wife about it without stirring up some huge he-said she-said drama, and talking to the friend could create the same type of problem. I’ve got zero interest in cheating on my wife, but would like to minimize any weirdness in our social circle. I feel like my best option is to ask an internet fantasy football advice columnist here.
Regards,
Overthinker

Keep your distance in social situations, and if she flat-out propositions you, you flat-out say no.

Like, I want to extrapolate and give you a longer answer, but that’s kind of it. Don’t engage or encourage her flirting, and if she gets really forward you just tell her that’s inappropriate.

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Capt,
I wrote you back in February, about my slightly alcoholic boyfriend. Thanks for the advice. It took me awhile, but I finally broke up with him and stuff is great (I loved the reader comments, btw). We are friends, and hang out and DON’T have sex, which is even more awesome because it means it was the right thing to do. He was more upset than I thought he would be, but it was by far one of the easier breakups I’ve ever gone through.

I’m sure he just LOVES the current arrangement. “It’s just like when we were dating, except I don’t get laid!”

But another question. My roommate (and very close friend)–who is in a LDR–recently slept with my brother. Drunk. And she was the one that initiated and has no real feelings for him (or so she says). She is now blaming him (he’s single) for the fact that she is now stuck in a situation where guilt is about to overtake her and she will have to tell her loving bf who lives on the other side of the country. And he will dump her.

Huh, that’s weird. Usually long-distance relationships turn out great.

I’m pissed my roommate is blaming my brother and I’m pissed at the both of them for putting me in the middle, whether they are trying to or not. How do I stay out of it!?

Your friend/roommate is blaming your brother because she’s racked with guilt and feels like shit. Of course, she can blame whatever she wants — the booze, your brother — but the reality is that it’s on her. She’s the one who decided to navigate the slippery slopes of Mount Infidelity without crampons. “I didn’t want to cheat on you! I merely wanted to lose my inhibitions and hang around members of the opposite sex who are attracted to me!”

How you extricate yourself from the drama is best decided by you, since you know her better. You can give her the tough-love real talk in the paragraph above, or you can say, “I’m your friend, but I don’t want to be a part of this mess,” or you can skip town and change your name. I don’t know what she needs to hear. But if you’re a person who gets drunk and hooks up with other people, then you’re not mature enough to be in a long-distance relationship. She may as well own it and bone some guys in her area code.

And lastly: RGIII or Russell Wilson?
With love,
Arrelious Napoli

From a fantasy standpoint, RG3 is almost certain to rack up better numbers. The conservative fantasy owner, however, will have fears about Griffin’s knee/ability to stay healthy. So I’d lean towards Wilson because (a) I fear risk, (b) I always expect the Redskins to fuck up anything good, and (c) I’m SUPER biased.

russell-wilson-ufford

But YOU, regular fantasy player, will probably get laughed at if you actually take Wilson over Griffin. So RG3 it is.

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Dear Caveman,
Fantasy: I need your advice on which two players to keep, out of these three. The penalty for each player is the round they were chosen in: Tom Brady (1), Victor Cruz (2), Brandon Marshall (4). I have the 8th pick and it’s a 12-man snake draft.

Cruz and Marshall. Brady may be available in the 5th round this year.

Sex: I’ve been single for two years. In that time I’ve talked to a few girls but nothing has prospered. I’m just going to continue living my life until I find someone who I’m comparable with.

I feel like most people are comparable with other people. Maybe look for someone who’s compatible with you.

(If you happen to be a cyborg of some sort — mechanized legs, shoulder-mounted cannon, brain implants that subdue feelings — then it’s possible you do indeed need someone comparable, and I apologize for nit-picking your grammar.)

Since this isn’t really a question, I feel like it’s only fair to offer you this GIF of Katy Perry as penance for I have wasted your time.
-George C.

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El Capitan,
Sexytime first- I’m 26 and just broke up with my girlfriend of over a year in a half. Longest relationship I’d had to this point. Enjoyed the time spent with a wonderful girl. Just knew it wasn’t going anywhere long term. Didn’t want to waste anyone’s time, especially mine. I thought it was a responsible thing to do. Other parties… disagreed.

So that’s all well and good but I’ve got to move forward. I work in a commodity trading pit, where my peers are angry 35-55 year old men. I’m am the kid by a decade, and I’ve got no natural peers for happy hours/etc. My friend group can throw plenty of meaningless ass my direction, so getting laid for the sake of getting laid isn’t tough, but not really the kinds of girls you really want to take to breakfast the morning after. The sexytime equivalent of bye week waiver pickups. Thanks for the effort, but we’re still going a different direction with the franchise.

I’m a dedicated enough KSK reader to be familiar with the breakup plan. What organizations, clubs, etc should I try to get involved in? I know that expanding my circles of friends and bettering myself are the answers here, but I’m having some difficulty figuring out which direction to take the first step. I’m looking for girls who would rather be outdoors, and have preferably read something more substantial than Twilight since leaving college. Those girls certainly aren’t everywhere in NYC but the law of large numbers says they are definitely out there. Any help would be appreciated.

Well, if you want to join clubs or organizations, join clubs or organizations that YOU want to be a part of — not just ones that you think might have the right girls. If you’re looking for girls that meet certain criteria, skip the clubs and go to your nearest internet browser, where you can fill out an online dating profile. Be sure to check the box that says NO TWI-HARD MORONS.

Seriously, if your social circles aren’t conducive to introducing you to the type of person you’re looking for, then find that person online. It’s not like it’s 2005 and people are gonna be like, “Whoa, you met her ON THE INTERNET?!?!?” Half the weddings I go to these days are between people who met through a dating site.

FFB- After a sterling 2011 campaign where the mighty Spearmint Rhinos came came within a clipped pube of claiming our first ‘ship (DAMN YOU AARON RODGERS) 2012 was an underwhelming performance. Got to pick up RG3 in the 5th round of a 12 team keeper league (1 round per year inflation.) Already had the Breezus on the squad, but unfortunately couldn’t really capitalize on the trade market to turn one of my two top flight QBs into the stud running back the squad really needed. Nothing worse than when a player blows up just like you planned, and you can’t manage to turn him into the missing piece of your team.

This happens to me every year.

My question is, what are your picks for mid to late round young flex position players this year? I’d like to have a more competitive team this year, but if I could snake a couple of long term keepers this year to solidify the core of my team, I’d be fine rebuilding this year as I clear space for a 2014-2018 run of championships. My WR core is good, but aging. (How you do Mr Reginald Wayne?) My running backs were a gaggle of short bus All-Stars. Any rookies promising to be 2013’s 8th round Arian Foster pickup?

In the mean time, I’ll be waiting on my firesale Super Bowl tickets when the 49ers take on the Texans in a snowy, 2 degree Meadowlands.
Cheers,
Pat McAfee’s Swim Coach

First things first: lol Texans ok

As for sleepers (a term I hate, as everyone I play with ends up targeting the same “sleepers,” thereby inflating their value and forcing us to reach for them), I tend to look to offenses that have improved at quarterback or hired an offense-minded coach/proven offensive coordinator. Three teams that stick out to me in that regard are the Chiefs, Eagles, and Cardinals.

Mind you, this is NOT a blanket endorsement for Nick Foles or Andy Reid’s play-calling. But I think Chip Kelly’s offensive pace will make LeSean McCoy a top-3 fantasy back (especially in PPR leagues), and — sleeper-wise — you should consider Bryce Brown. His  ADP is only 96, but I think there’s real potential for him to have solid RB2 value even WITH McCoy getting going off; Chip Kelly’s Oregon teams averaged something close to 50 run plays a game.

For the Chiefs, I think Dwayne Bowe will reclaim his spot as a top fantasy WR, just one year removed from being almost completely irrelevant. And even though Carson Palmer is obviously limited — especially in a division with tough defenses — he’s still a HUGE step up from last year’s stiffs. I’d look for Larry Fitzgerald early in the third round and target Michael Floyd around pick 100.

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Hey there, Admiral Neanderthal,
Looking for a little keeper league advice. I’m in a ppr league where we can keep 2 players, with no draft pick considerations. (The two keepers are just your two first picks.) I joined last year, and my 2 best keepers were Romo and Hakeem Nicks. However, this year I have to make a decision. I have Jamaal Charles, Muscle Hamster, and CJ Spiller, and I can only keep 2. I’m leaning towards Charles and Doug, but Spiller has all of that breakout potential.

An embarrassment of riches. Charles is a no-brainer in a PPR league, as he’s poised to have WAY more catches than ever before. I agree that Spiller’s poised for a breakout, and I like his abilities a lot more than Doug Martin’s. In 2012, Martin had 112 more carries than Spiller but only gained 210 more yards. Why? Because Chan Gailey thought the guy getting 6.0 yards per carry and 10.7 yards per catch should split time with Fred Jackson (3.8 YPC).

Not that I’m down on Doug Martin — he WILL get the carries, the catches, and scores — but I think he’s a touch overrated, and I like Spiller’s ceiling a lot more, especially since a Buffalo beat writer says he could get 30 touches a game.

It’s a small roster league, going: QB,RB,RB,WR,WR,TE,FLEX(any player, including QB),K,D. So, it’s important to get 2 QB’s, because of their scoring load, but the RB’s are my best 3 players by a lot. Anyway, I’d appreciate your opinion.

A flex quarterback? People, I can’t stress this enough: STOP HAVING STUPID FANTASY LEAGUES.

Anyway, just be sure to make QBs your first two picks.

Sex: I dunno, I’m happily married to a lady who also doesn’t want kids, so life is pretty great. So, I’ll send a picture of someone I love, who doesn’t get a lot of love for being hot, Billie Piper of Doctor Who and Confessions of a Call Girl fame.
Thanks,
Undecided Menage a Trois-ing Backs

billie_piper

Confessions of a Call Girl would have been way better if they’d followed through with some decent sex scenes. Just sayin’.

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Sirs,
I’ll try to atone for my lack of a FF question with a general football one: On the first day of training camp earlier this week Jets CB Aaron Berry tore his ACL and is done for the year. He’s having surgery within the next week and can look forward to a grueling rehab that should have him ready for 2014 OTA’s and mini-camp. My question: Which is more likely to shave years off the career of speed position player like Berry – the accumulated wear and tear of a full sixteen game season with all its hard hits, mini concussions and the like or a severe season ending injury in training camp? Thanks to modern medicine ACL injuries aren’t what they used to be so I believe a full season is more taxing. Your thoughts?

I’m inclined to agree.

Relationship advice question: I am an executive at a large multi-national who often attends multi-day conferences that are held in your typical convention cities: Vegas, Orlando, Miami, Barcelona, Singapore, etc.

You had me at everything besides Orlando.

The company also has an annual sales incentive trip to Hawaii. Significant others frequently join their partners at the good conferences (they sit poolside, hit the spa or shop while we watch eight hours of powerpoints in hotel ballrooms) and they are expected to go to the Hawaii shindig which is over-the-top, fun and usually held at the Four Seasons.

Powerpoint, huh? Sounds awful.

My quandary: I am currently in a serious relationship with a retired Brazilian porn star.

Some guys just can’t catch a break.

She started her porn career at 19 and retired at 26. She’s now 29 years old and hotter than ever. She filmed quite a few scenes over those 6+ years. Throughout her career she was a huge star in Brazil and is famous for her amazing ass and anal scenes. Thanks to the internet she also has a global following. (I’ll confirm her name if a reader guesses right.)

Commenters: you know what to do.

Even though she retired almost four years ago her movies are still widely available and quite popular. Plus, adult film studios regularly release compilation videos comprised of older scenes under new titles which misleads the consumer into believing he or she is viewing fresh material while providing the content owners a cheap revenue stream.

My challenge (and question): How do I bring this truly sweet, honest, caring and gorgeous Brazilian girl to the corporate events described earlier without risking my career? Even if my peers, the executive team and my staff don’t watch internet porn (doubtful), all it takes is one person to identify her for the shit storm to arrive in full force. And what about our customers and partners who attend these events?

I do love this woman. And she did nothing wrong, illegal nor did she hurt a fly while making movies years ago. But it would be naive to believe my career won’t be derailed or – given the nature of HR departments in today’s corporate America – that I won’t be dismissed.

I welcome your counsel.
Best,
Kevin

I have to give you credit: you managed to ask “How can I bring my Brazilian porn star girlfriend to the Hawaiian vacation my company’s paying for?” with enough sincerity and humility to make me sympathize. I hope you can at least take a moment to appreciate that it’s a pretty terrific problem to have.

As for what to do about your girlfriend: just bring her. I assume she worked under some kind of alias, yes? As long as Googling the name she uses today doesn’t result in 30 million results of her doing anal, I think you’ll be okay.

Think about it: the porniverse is a pretty big place, and even with her old stuff being recycled, it’s fighting to be viewed by all the OTHER internet porn. So you shouldn’t be worried that your peers/staff/etc watch porn (they do), you should really only worry if one of them is specifically one of her followers, because otherwise they’re not going to be familiar with a porn star from another country who stopped working three years ago.

And even THEN, so what? Who blows that whistle? “Hey boss, um, I think Kevin’s girlfriend is a porn star?” (Note: porn star is a title that becomes past tense only upon death.) Anyone who brings attention to the fact brings attention to their knowledge of porn.

And THEN what? You get told you can’t bring your significant other to company events where significant others are welcome? If anything, H.R. will be on your side with this one, because H.R. exists to keep your company from getting sued, which is what you could (and should) do if they discriminate against you for who you love.

I don’t want to make this a sappy equal rights screed, but you don’t have to feel ashamed about who you love, and it’s illegal to discriminate against you for that reason (unless you’re gay in Ohio). Go to Hawaii with that gorgeous Brazilian woman on your arm; whether or not anyone knows about your girlfriend’s past, you’re more likely to get a high-five from your co-workers than a pink slip.