Colin Kaepernick is on the cover of September’s GQ, which by itself is not an altogether noteworthy occurrence. Nor is the fact that he appears on the cover shirtless and showing off his tattoos, which have been a bit of a thing over the past calendar year. But those facts won’t get in the way of a Fox Sports bro in search of HOT SPORTS TAKE. Do you even take, bro? Let’s all get on Ross Jones’ level, brah.

Is this dude serious?

I know! This has to be one of those gag covers that GQ puts out on the reg. We all know about those. By the time September actually rolls around, we’ll all see that the real cover will be Sam Bradford wearing a burka.

No really, Colin Kaepernick might need to turn in his man card.

Man cards only exist in shitty Miller Lite commercials. Since we don’t live in a fictional world where an NFL quarterback needs to adhere to an angry 15-year-old virgin’s perception of what masculinity ought to be, I’m pretty sure Kaep doesn’t have to forfeit anything or even pay the slightest bit of attention to you.

The 49ers quarterback, who didn’t become the starting quarterback until Week 10 in 2012, might have had a rapid emergence into superstardom this offseason, but the mania has clearly gone to his head.

I’m kind of intrigued by the stupidity of this section. While the writer seems to be generally disgusted and angry at the sight of any erotic display by another male, he understands that at some point, a man is just so great that he earns the right to be gay. “Tom Brady has won three Super Bowls. He could suck a man’s dick on Letterman if he wanted and we couldn’t say squat. But you? You gotta earn that dick, faggot!”

I mean, how is this really going to go over in the locker room?

You mean a locker room that has already seen that Kaepernick and teammate Vernon Davis both posed nude in another magazine earlier in the off-season. On the other hand, there is marginally skilled homophobe Chris Culliver, but he’s out for the season already, so who cares about him?

And when in the hell did NFL quarterbacks begin to think they’re some type of sex symbol?

Well I don’t know, how’s about (taking a page from Gruden) THIS GUY

namath-horse

Seriously, this makes Mark Sanchez wearing white pants and a tank top look rugged.

Also worth nothing that Nacho, as much of a f*ck-up as he is on the field, can get more pussy in a month than both myself and Ross could combined over the course of our entire lives.

Believe it or not, the cover isn’t even the worst part.

No way! Kaep didn’t, like, hug another guy or something, did he? That might seriously impact whether I put him on my fantasy team (name: CRUSHSLAY CITY PAUSE POLICE)

Kaepernick donned a mustard cardigan while wearing football pads and Nike high-tops. Oh, the madness.

More like “oh, the gayness”, amiright? [fistbumps while wearing hazmat suits because flesh contact and unorthodox fashion choices are for the queers]

Anyways, you can get your own copy of the bare-chested quarterback next Tuesday. SMH.

A “man card” reference and a sincere use of “SMH” deployed in the span of a five-paragraph post. All hail the new bro king. You are a brotentate. If this were satire, people would say it was too over-the-top. Congrats, Ross, you’re too much a meathead even for parody.