Jon: WELCOME BACK TO GRUDEN TALK, THE TALK SHOW WHERE WE DISCUSS THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUES OF THE DAY. BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS, HAVE YOU BEEN PAYING ATTENTION TO WHAT’S GOING ON IN SYRIA?
Herm: I KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON IN THE LEVANT, AND I DON’T MEAN THE BAKERY.
Jon: WELL LEMME TELL YA, THIS ASSAD FELLA IS PRETTY CONCERNING. THIS ASSAD, I CALL HIM PAUL WOLFOWITZ BECAUSE HE PROBABLY HASN’T EVEN READ THE GENEVA CONVENTION. ANYWAY, WE HAVE FORMER AMBASSADOR TO SYRIA RYAN CROCKER HERE TO EXPLAIN EVERYTHING. RYAN, HOW YA DOIN’?
Ryan: I’m doing well.
Jon: THIS SYRIA, I CALL IT CLEVELAND BECAUSE IT’S FULL OF POISONOUS CHEMICALS. SHOULD THE U.S. BE GETTING INVOLVED THERE?
Herm: THE EUPHRATES RIVER JUST CAUGHT ON FIRE.
Ryan: Well that’s the question that the Obama Administration is grappling with. We invaded Iraq on the premise that they had weapons of mass destruction, and we knew that Saddam Hussein had used chemical weapons against the Kurds before.
Jon: I HEAR YA, DON’T WANNA GET CAUGHT IN A QUAGMIRE. AND I KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT QUAGMIRES. I LIVE IN TAMPA, AFTER ALL. A SINKHOLE ATE OUR LOCAL PIZZA PLACE.
Herm: COACH GRUDEN’S GOTTA GET PAPA JOHN’S NOW.
Ryan: And I think that’s a key consideration for the Obama administration. They could use missile strikes against Syria but Assad still has international support from Russia and Iran so they won’t fold as easily as Kosovo or Libya.
Jon: I HEAR YA, YOU CAN’T BLITZ SYRIA BECAUSE YOU HAVE RUSSIA’s ON AN ANGLED GO ROUTE AND IRAN IS A THREAT TO RUN THE DRAW.
Herm: THE U.S. SHOULD USE THE TAMPA 2.
Ryan: And Israel has to be another consideration. Assad or even Iran could retaliate against Israel if the U.S. gets involved in Syria.
Jon: I HEAR YA. ISRAEL’S ALWAYS IN DOUBLE COVERAGE AND ARABS ARE NOT AFRAID TO JAM THEM AT THE LINE.
Herm: ISRAEL NEEDS TO WORK ON ITS POWER RUNNING GAME.
Ryan: Well, traditionally, Israel has been safest when its enemies are fighting each other. But a U.S. attack could galvanize opposition against its biggest ally in the Middle East. I brought this map to show just how fractured Syria is right now, and Israel would give them a common enemy:
Jon: LOOKS LIKE THE ALAWITES NEED TO RUN A FEW COUNTER PLAYS AGAINST THE KURDS AND THE SUNNIS IN ORDER TO COMPENSATE FOR THEIR NUMBERS DISADVANTAGE. MAYBE A 32 FLIP Y HAM SMASH.
Herm: THE LEVANTINES ARE GOING TO GO 6-10.
Ryan: The point of the map is to show how Syria is a very ethnically fractured country, with grudges going back for a number of millennia. It’s simplistic to assume that U.S. intervention would be a simple endeavor. Thankfully, I think the Obama Administration understands this in its deliberate approach to the crisis.
Jon: I HEAR YA, A DELIBERATE APPROACH IS ALWAYS NECESSARY. YOU CAN’T JUST IMPLEMENT THE ZONE READ WILLLY NILLY WHEN THE OTHER TEAM HAS A SAM THAT CAN DEFEND AGAINST THE PASS AND THE RUN. YOU NEED TO READ THEIR WEAKEST DEFENDER, WHETHER IT’S ACTUALLY THE SAM OR MAYBE EVEN THE 0-TECHNIQUE.
Ryan: I’m afraid I’m lost.
Jon: THAT’S OK BECAUSE WE’RE OUT OF TIME ON GRUDEN TALK. PLAY US OFF, HERM EDWARDS 7.
Herm: CHEMICALS BETWEEN US BY BUSH ON 5, HERM EDWARDS 7.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news & humor before everyone else.