Jon: WELCOME BACK TO GRUDEN TALK, THE TALK SHOW WHERE WE DISCUSS THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUES OF THE DAY. BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS, HAVE YOU BEEN PAYING ATTENTION TO RUSSIA’S NEW LAWS AGAINST GAYS.
Herm: I DON’T EVEN HAVE TIME TO KEEP TRACK OF AMERICA’S ANTI-GAY POLICIES.
Jon: WELL APPARENTLY THEY GOT THEM AND A COUPLE OF LADY RUSSIANS PROTESTED THEM BY MAKING OUT ON THE MEDAL STAND. I HAVEN’T SEEN HOT ACITON LIKE THAT SINCE A COUPLE OF HOOTERS WAITRESSES AND I WENT TO A BENNIGAN’S AFTER OUR SHIFT BACK IN ’85. THEY WERE TWO OF THE FIRST GRUDEN GRINDERS.
Herm: I LIKE IT WHEN LADIES MAKE OUT WITH EACH OTHER.
Jon: ANYWAY, WE GOT CHESS GRANDMASTER AND RUSSIAN DISSIDENT GARRY KASPAROV HERE TO TALK ABOUT THEIR ANTI-GAY LAW. GARRY, HOW ARE YA DOIN’?
Garry: It is a pleasure to be here, Jon.
Jon: GREAT ACCENT THERE GARRY. BEST I’VE HEARD SINCE GERRY AUSTIN.
Garry: Thank you, I think.
Jon: SO THIS PUTIN, I CALL HIM JOE GIBBS BECAUSE HE’S WON THE BIG ONE THREE TIMES AND HAS DEEP TIES WITH THE CHURCH.
Herm: PUTIN DOESN’T NEED A SUPERSTAR QUARTERBACK.
Garry: You are correct, Jon. Vladimir Putin can count on the Orthodox church for institutional support so he will rubber stamp anything that it proposes. He’s not motivated by hatred, just expediency.
Jon: WELL SOMETIMES YOU GOTTA WORK WITH WHAT YA GOT. I DIDN’T WANT TO START KEYSHAWN JOHNSON BUT I’LL BE DAMNED IF HE CAN’T RUN A SLANT ON A FAKE 50 PUNCH Z-AROUND LT.
Herm: THE ORTHODOX CHURCH ISN’T AFRAID TO GO OVER THE MIDDLE.
Garry: Well as Americans you shouldn’t be unfamiliar with this phenomenon. Your President Bush used anti-gay propaganda to drive turnout in his 2004 victory.
Jon: WELL IF YOU WANNA DRIVE TO VICTORY YOU CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON THE RELIGIOUS GUYS. MIKE ALSTOTT WAS A REGULAR CHARLIE CHURCH AND I COULD ALWAYS COUNT ON HIM ON THIRD AND SHORT.
Herm: THE FATHER, THE SPIRIT AND THE FOURTH DOWN CONVERSION.
Garry: In reality, Vladimir Putin is similar to your Republican Party. He counts on conservative billionaires and religious institutions for support just like them.
Jon: WELL OUR REPUBLICANS DON’T DO AS GOOD A JOB OF WINNING. IT’S LIKE WHEN THE CHIEFS BROUGHT IN THE PATRIOTS MANAGEMENT BUT THEY COULDN’T REPLICATE THEIR SUCCESS.
Herm: SCOTT PIOLI FORMED THE TEA PARTY.
Garry: But unlike America, Russia does not have free elections.
Jon: APPARENTLY YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO POLK COUNTY. YOU HAVE TO VOTE IN THE MIDDLE OF A GATOR FARM AND THEY ONLY GIVE WHITE VOTERS MARSHMELLOWS.
Herm: I’M GATOR BAIT IN FLORIDA, AND I AIN’T TALKIN’ BURT REYNOLDS.
Garry: What I am trying to say is that Russia is not a free society. But we should not have an Olympic boycott, because the Olympics will show to the world just how dysfunctional the country is.
Jon: I HEAR YA. WHEN WE WENT TO THE SUPER BOWL BACK IN ’03 WE SAW FIRSTHAND THAT SAN DIEGO WASN’T A PARADISE BUT IT WAS FULL OF GUYS IN AFFLICTION T-SHIRTS WHO USED TOO MUCH DRAKKAR NOIR. OF COURSE, SEBASTIAN JANIKOWSKI DIDN’T MIND.
Herm: BOYCOTT TAPOUT.
Garry: I do not know what you are saying.
Jon: THAT’S OK, BECAUSE WE’RE OUT OF TIME ON GRUDEN TALK. PLAY US OFF, BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS.
Herm: IF WE GOT CHESS THEN IT’S TIME FOR ONE NIGHT IN BANGKOK!
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news & humor before everyone else.