Gene-Simmons-Crapped-on-Me

 

It’s easy to get wrapped up in the WOOOOOOOOOOOO FOOTBALL IS BACK mentality that permeates both NCAA and NFL coverage in the fall, so let’s take a second to remind ourselves that not everything involved with game days is so awesome that mid-February through mid-August might as well not exist.

I was reminded of this the other week while watching a couple of drunks being subdued by the cops at a baseball game when I remarked to one of my friends that I didn’t miss working in event merchandizing because of over-served assholes. My friend nodded and agreed. He had spent a couple of seasons working security at both Heinz Field and PNC Park just for fun and some extra cash. (If you knew my friend Craig, it would make sense to you why he would decide this might be a fun way to spend his free time. Not that he’s a meathead, farthest from, but spending time outside interacting with people is pretty much his lane. Think a quieter Bill Murray in MEATBALLS.) The two of us started sharing stories on the drunkest we had ever seen anyone at a stadium or an arena over the years, but Craig won the night with his tale.

Around a Halloween game an agitated fan comes right up to Craig, gets in his face and says, “Gene Simmons just shit on me.” Of course Gene Simmons isn’t at the game. Of course if Gene Simmons happens to be at the game, he’s probably sitting in better seats than the section he was covering. Of course if Gene Simmons happens to be be at the game and isn’t in a suite somewhere, he’s probably not shitting on anyone. Of course Craig’s reaction is to laugh.

The fan gets pissed. He’s dead serious. “No, Gene Simmons just shit on me.” Craig follows the fan back to his seat and low and behold, there is a man in full Kiss makeup passed out drunk who has shit himself. His mess is running down the rows around him. Liquid crap everywhere. Steelers Nation is getting shit on by a member of the Kiss Army, which is how I imagine wars will start 2245 when there are no countries left to fight for, only brands.

So WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Football is back!

(Wear your boots.)