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Everybody take a deep breath, I’ve got big news: WE MADE IT.

It’s the preseason. There are actual meaningless football games going on. And we will watch those preseason games to figure out which rookies and undrafted free agents we want to draft in the 15th round as sleepers before releasing them after Week 4 because they haven’t played, then scramble to get them back in Week 13 when they get a start and break out with a huge game. Every. Goddam. Year.

MORE IMPORTANTLY, we have entered the season of fantasy drafts, AKA the time of year when emailers care much more about fantasy football than getting laid. I tip my cap to you, my dear obsessive addicts. So let’s get to it — this week is chockful o’ fantasy advice while still maintaining a strong sex quotient. Enjoy.

Dear Sirs (or Madam if Caveman took the week off right before the season),
Fantasy Football Question: I’m in a 2 QB 6pt TD league (I’ll wait for the yelling to stop).

I hate you so much.

Quick boring history- I am TERRIBLE at fantasy sports. I want to win one so badly, but again I am TERRIBLE at fantasy sports. Partially because everything I do is wrong, or if it is right someone gets hurt horribly, or a trade that seems good and fair instantly makes the player forget to take their HGH. I’m sure my friends will agree in the comments. Yes I’m well aware these things happen to everybody but since 2006- 8th, 10th, 12th, 12th, 12th, 12th, 7th. And the 7th is because of Brees.

I ain’t even mad, that’s just impressive.

I have Brees, Reggie Bush and Brandon Marshall. But my instincts are telling me to keep my other QB- Jake Locker.

And that’s why you’re bad at fantasy football.

I know that nobody has ever said we have Jake Locker; we got this, but having 2 STARTING QBs is incredibly important. After thinking about it for while I thought maybe trading Bush or Marshall (because nobody wants Jake Locker) will get me a good 2nd rd pick.

But the more I look at some of the players that are going to be available- Eli, Ray Rice, Calvin Johnson, Matt Stafford, Matt Ryan, Lesean McCoy, Matt Forte, Arian Foster, Chris Johnson, and there is at least 3 teams that will not be able to keep all their QBs I am thinking it might be worth the risk of keeping Bush, Marshall and Brees and hoping the 6th pick has a better QB available and if not I’ll have a very solid 2nd RB or WR. But again I’m wrong about everything so I ask for your help.

The true sign of you being an awful fantasy player isn’t your four last-place finishes in seven years. It’s the “Maybe I should keep Reggie Bush instead of getting a second good quarterback in a 2-QB 6-point passing TD league.” So! Keep Brees and Marshall. Fire Bush into space. Draft a real QB — i.e., NOT Jake Locker — with your first pick. Good luck.

Sex: No question from me. I’m happily living with the woman that will be my wife at some point. I turn 30 on August 16th she is 21 so that makes up for the being terrible at fantasy sports a bit. But here are 2 SFW gifs everyone should enjoy.
-The Wiz

Dating a 21-year-old at age 30 sounds AWFUL. Even IF you found the one 21-year-old woman who has a great sense of humor and a great intellect and knowledge of pop culture from your childhood, guess what? ALL OF HER FRIENDS are 21. Your life is terrible, minus the hot sex.

NOTE: The Wiz’s GIFs, while technically SFW, were more risqué than I’d like for the mailbag, and one of them involved someone with a tacky boob job. I’d prefer not to advertise that as a model of feminine sexuality, so let’s go with the classy Valerie van der Graaf instead:

vandergraaf

Now THAT’S a woman with a cat who’s worth making an exception for. More of her looking great over here.

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Hi Matt -
Long time fan, first time writer, maybe because I have no sex life. Here are some photos of Antonia Iacobescu, a Romanian singer(?) that I discovered on Tumblr.

It should be noted that the emailer didn’t attach the photos in a way readable to Gmail, so I’m going to fill in some blanks: yes, Antonia is a Romanian singer, and I’ll take a stab at the images I imagine SHOULD have been attached. Long story short, she’s a really pretty person who makes bad music.

antonia1

 

antonia

Her Tumblr of pretty pictures is here, in case you’re interested.

Now, another Fantasy: I’m in a 12 team league that awards 6 pts for all TDs, though everything else is pretty standard. We’re allowed 1 keeper, and there are currently no limits on how long an owner can keep a player. I can keep Matt Ryan for a 3rd round pick, and because I have pick 12 in a snake draft, that feels like good value in this league.

Great value!

But somehow I lucked into Colin Kaepernick on waivers last season, so I could essentially keep him for free (15th rounder).

Greater value!

I’m also considering Demarco Murray, who I kept last offseason and would also cost only a 15th rounder.

Not nearly as good value!

I tend to be pretty conservative, so my thought is to keep Ryan, who is as close as it comes to a sure elite scorer (pass-heavy team, good in regular season, great WRs/TE, dome). But I feel like Kaepernick could be as productive as Ryan, and the idea of a risk paying off big is enticing, though he seems to have a lot more question marks (read-option, injury risk, no Crabtree, little experience). What do you think?
Sincerely,
Broke-ass Jerry Jones

As much as I like Ryan in the 3rd — GREAT value — the temptation of Kaepernick for a 15th-rounder is too great to pass up. With Ryan, you’re getting a 2nd rounder for a 3rd round pick. With Kaepernick, you’re getting a 2nd- or 3rd-rounder for a 15th. Without a significant injury history to point to, you have to roll the dice with Kaepernick.

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Hello Captain,
FF: I am in an auction league, 12 teams, and we get to pick a keeper for one season. Each team starts with $200, and the keeper costs what you paid for him last season. I am trying to choose between RG3 for $3, and CJ Spiller for $1. RG3 had great numbers last year, but coming off the surgery, I’m not so sure. CJ is set to be the starting back in Buffalo, and at $1 I feel like it’s a steal. Sorry if this seems like a fantasy football first world problem.

Spiller. In any other circumstance, RG3 for three bucks is amazing, but a guy on the precipice of a 2000-yard season — according to Bills people, anyway (and when have they been optimistic?) — for $1 is the way to go.

Sex: In a great relationship for a year and a half with a woman who one day I hope will agree to be my wife. Really can’t complain, but my question for you (and the other married guys) is how do you deal with crushes on other women? I find myself sometimes randomly attracted to other people, but nothing ever escalates beyond mild flirting (and not that I would want it to either).

Women don’t stop being beautiful, nice-smelling creatures just because you’ve whittled the field down to one. Nor do they stop smelling and looking good once you’re married. And that’s good! Interacting with the opposite sex on a social level should remain a pleasant experience even when you’re in a monogamous relationship.

The concerning word in your email, of course, is “crushes” and the extent of the feelings behind them. If you’re using the word loosely — i.e., an attractive woman at work to whom you occasionally say, “Hey, I like your dress” — then you’re well within normal boundaries of human interaction. But if you’re out having drinks with attractive women and they’re touching your arm when they laugh at your jokes, you’re moving towards the…

So how do you not do that? Just don’t put yourself in that position. Go home to your girlfriend, or go outside and give her a call. Nothing’s going to stop other women from being attractive — well, besides talking about the Twilight films, or doing that thing where their voice goes up at the end of every sentence so it sounds like they’re always asking questions — but you can control the situations you put yourself in, and how you behave in the event those situations happen.

Also included is a picture of my two favorite gals from Community.
Thanks,
Chet Manly

community

Fun fact: this photo — taken for a GQ shoot — leaked onto Tumblr months before it was supposed to be seen, so of course I posted it on to Warming Glow at the time, because I was a dutiful TV blogger. A little while later, I got an email from a friend who works in PR for GQ, who politely asked me to take it down. SO much more pleasant than a cease & desist. Lawyers are awful.

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Hey Guys -

Fantasy Question – I’m in a 10 person league PPR keeper league with standard scoring. We can keep 2 players but they cost us 2 rounds ahead of where we got them last year. Have a lot of options not sure who I should keep – AP (1st rounder), Dez (4), David Wilson (7), AJ Green (8), or Gronk (10) – I kept AJ Green and Gronk from 2 years ago and this would be the last year I’m allowed to hang on to them. If it matters we draft reverse order of last season (I won it all so I’m drafting #10) and we snake through the rounds. AJ Green is pretty much a lock, but I don’t know what to do with my second choice. Would love to keep Gronk again but not sure how healthy he’s gonna be coming off 3 surgeries and having very few receiving options out there aside from him. Hard to say no to AP but also hard to expect him to have another season that was as good as last year. If Dez is as good as he was in the 2nd half of last year he will be one of the best WRs in the league. Thoughts?

I think it’s easy to see why you won the league last year — shame you can’t keep four or five guys. Getting Adrian Peterson at #10 is a bargain that you have to take. I love Dez as a 4th rounder and David Wilson in the 7th, but I think Purple Jesus and AJ Green are the way to go.

Sex – Not quite sex but I just got engaged and now we have a wedding to plan (joy!). My fiancée and I had previously discussed doing a destination wedding – but her parents have a large social circle and would like to have a wedding near where we all live so all their friends could be there. Normally I’d say I don’t care and just do whatever we wanted but her dad more or less offered to pay for the wedding. So not sure if we should tell him thanks but no thanks and do what we want to do or graciously accept and just have a big blowout.

You have to figure out what’s more important to you: having the wedding you want, or having someone else pay for it. My wife and I had a destination wedding because we wanted to (a) maximize the time we spent with our guests and (b) minimize the number of third cousins and second-hand family friends we barely knew. Having a destination wedding is a Get Out of Jail Free card with anyone you snub from your guest list — you get to say, “Sorry, we had a really small guest list,” and they get to be secretly relieved they’re not paying $1000 and taking vacation to fly to Tahiti for your wedding. Everybody wins (except for your fiancée’s parents, who are thinking of their daughter’s wedding as a party for their friends).

On the other hand, weddings are motherfucking EXPENSIVE. So if you’re not totally ironclad in your desire to have a destination wedding, and you don’t really care if your mom’s boring friend Linda is there to trap your friends into conversations about her cats, then go ahead and take the handout. FREE MONEY, YO. Take that shit and enjoy not going into credit card debt. Just be sure to warn your friends about Linda.

Also – if we decide to do it local, is it really douchey to have a New Years Eve wedding?

Depends on what “local” is geographically. I have a friend from the Boston area who got married in Worcester in February because off-season rates were cheaper. What should have been less than a four-hour drive took seven hours because — this will shock you — it turns out that February is when blizzards hit the northeastern United States. So if you live in, say, California or Arizona or Florida or some other place that isn’t prone to 14 inches of snow, you can at least consider a New Years Eve wedding.

Now, New Years Eve presents some difficulties for your guests even IF weather’s not an issue. Obviously, if you hold it locally, it’s going to be cool for all your friends (and your parents’ friends) who are just driving over from Main Street. For your friends and family who have to fly into town, though, it’s going to be real pain in the ass, as rates skyrocket the last week of the year, and they may have to alter preexisting travel plans to see their families over the holidays, changing round-trip tickets into multi-city itineraries. So if you go that route, just be sure to make extra-nice gift bags for your visiting guests, and make sure your officiant — or at least the best man/maid of honor — acknowledges their effort in the ceremony/toasts.

I’m sure others will disagree with a hard pro- or anti- stances, but the simple fact is that NO date on the calendar will work for everyone. No matter when you decide to get married, someone who you want there won’t be able to make it. So don’t get TOO hung up on being a douchebag or not when it comes to your own wedding.

Thanks!
PS – I know this is fairly boring so please accept this gif of Kate Upton topless on a horse

Yeah, about that: with this not being a porn site, our proprietors are somewhat less than enthusiastic about GIFs of bare breasts appearing here. BUT, should you be at home or otherwise away from the prying eyes of managers or wives, you can find said Kate Upton GIF here. Enjoy.

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How’s it going Matt?

It is going well, thank you.

First, I don’t have any specific questions for the sex portion of this mailbag, though I do always keep your various tidbits and lofty advice nuggets in mind. So thanks for that. Here’s an assuredly Uproxx-approved Alison Brie picture instead:

Anyway, my main fantasy football league is doing keepers for the first time, and as reigning league champion I don’t want to mess this thing up. We can keep up to two players, and I have a lot of solid-looking options and at least one no brainer in Randall Cobb for an eighth rounder, but I’m not too sure what to do with my second. Here’s what I’m looking at:

Calvin Johnson – Rd 1
Matt Forte – 1 (if I keep him and Megatron, I’d lose rounds one and two)
AJ Green – 2
Peyton – 3
Luck – 5
Ridley – 6
Cobb – 8
Vick Ballard – 12

I’m picking 12th in a snake draft.

Thanks,
Long time, first time

Calvin Johnson at 12 overall isn’t really the sort of thing you want to burn a keeper on, and neither is AJ Green with the 13th pick. But Peyton at the front of the 3rd? That’s worth doing. Cobb & Manning are your guys.

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Caveman,

FF First: 12 team keeper league. There are no rules as far as keepers are concerned, which makes things a bit easier. However, I’ve got 4 players for 3 spots, with Purple Jesus being the only lock.

The other options are: Trent Richardson, Kaepernick and Gronk. I’m leaning toward Trent and Kaepernick but it’s tough to ignore Gronk’s production when healthy, whenever that is or will be. On the other hand, Trent’s yards per carry was pretty low last year and who knows how the Cleveland offense will be and Kaepernicks only done it for a handful of games. Thoughts?

Without players costing you draft picks in certain rounds, your decision-making process should be simplified. Without cost, there’s no cost-benefit analysis to do. So you simply take the three players with the best ADP rankings: Peterson (1), Richardson (6), and Gronkowski (39). Kaepernick clocks in at 64 on that particular list, so unless you’re afraid of there being no QBs available or you get word that Gronk has developed acute forearm necrosis, those are your best options.

Sex, well not really: I’m in a great relationship with a girl that is beautiful, fun, compassionate and the sex is great. No question there. I am however, giving a best man speech next month and as someone who got married recently, any do’s and don’ts outside of keep it quick, personal stories, don’t try and be too funny?

Thanks for making 12:49 in the afternoon a bit more bearable on a daily basis.
– Can’t Make Up My Mind

I’ve tackled this before, but the ideal best man/maid of honor speech is three things: sincere, funny, and not too long. If you’re a funny person, great! Be funny! But don’t let that get in the way of being sincere. If you’re not a funny person, stick with sincere and not too long. (Most people know whether or not they’re funny. The people who don’t recognize this about themselves were usually sorority sisters with the bride, which explains the high percentage of terrible maid of honor speeches.)

The other pitfall of wedding toasts is a focus on the speaker’s friendship with the bride or groom, rather than the relationship OF the bride and groom. By all means introduce and explain your friendship to the groom, but the bulk of the speech should focus on him and his new wife.

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Hello Mr Caveman,

That’s CAPTAIN Caveman. I didn’t go through six months of Caveman Officers Basic Course to be called Mister.

j/k it’s a fake name

Sex: I don’t have much here, my wife and I got married really young and we don’t have much anymore. Any ideas there? I mean obviously wine and a nice dinner, but other than that i’m out of ideas.

Change of location helps. You have your whole boring unsexy lives in that house or apartment — get out to a spa or a hotel, and suddenly it’s like, “Hey, this place is NICE! We should fuck.” If your finances don’t support that, there’s always camping, I guess. Just avoid mosquito-infested areas and bring an air mattress.

In a more general sense, anything you can do to lessen her load of worries or chores around the house makes initiating foreplay WAY easier. Like, if you start kissing her neck and groping her, but she’s thinking about the laundry to fold and the kids’ toys strewn on the floor, your chances of that turning into sex aren’t all that great. But if she comes home to a pristine house — the dishes are done! OMG you dusted?!? — then you stand a much better chance of messing up the bed you so carefully made.

Football: I’m in a 10 team keeper league, and I’ll be able to keep Arian Foster in return for a 6th round pick. The other relevant wrinkle to my league is that we play 3 WR/2 RB/1TE — no flex position.

I’ve done some early research and a few mock drafts. It seems like RB is very scarce this year.

Hmm. In my opinion, it’s one of the deepest drafts for running backs in years. But I’ll hear you out.

If you’re starting a team from scratch it definitely feels like going RB/RB is the way to go. I’ve seen decent WRs going in the 6th/7th round, but anything close to a starting RB is usually gone by the end of the 4th.

Feels like it’s been a while since I’ve said this, so I’ll dust it off: I haaaaaaaaate the philosophy of being locked into drafting X position in Y round. Hate it hate it hate it. Don’t say “I’m going to draft RB-RB the first two rounds,” then take Reggie Bush over Aaron Rodgers in the second. Be flexible: find a balance between best value available and team need.

And obviously if I get a top 4 or 5 pick I’ll try for AP, Rice, Martin, or one of the top tier RBs. My question is this: What if I pick 8/9/10 and the top tier is gone? With Foster in my pocket, does it make sense to buck the trend and go WR/WR/WR? In the mocks I’ve done I get something like Megatron/AJ Green/Roddy White or something like that.

So I’d have to cobble together my RB2 out of a rotation of like Reggie Bush/Ahmad Bradshaw/Eddie Lacy, but I’d have to think I would have an advantage at all 3 WR spots almost every week. And I’m active on the waiver wire, so if someone pops at RB in the first couple weeks I feel confident that I have a decent chance to get them.

Or am I outsmarting myself?

Yes.

Should I just take Richardson or McCoy or Forte or Steven Jackson or whoever’s there? (please say I shouldn’t take Steven Jackson).
Thanks,
My Elaborate Plans Usually Backfire

You should not take Steven Jackson, unless he falls to the point where you get good value for him.

Your preparation is admirable, which is the compliment I’m giving you instead of saying, “You could maybe use another outlet for your time.” Mock drafts are a good way to get a feel for which players will go in what round and which ones you find yourself targeting. But locking yourself into “I have to get a running back in the second round” or the even-more-specific “I have to get Megatron in the first and AJ Green in the second and ANOTHER wide receiver in the third” puts you into a position where you’ll be left scrambling if things don’t shake out in a way that you’ve planned.

So, again: be flexible. Have your own player rankings, and draft the best player available as it makes sense to your team needs. This should be a fun distraction, not an all-consuming battle plan that you think about at night instead of sleeping.