My first of five fantasy drafts is tonight. Well, second of six, actually, but I auto-drafted the first one on Sunday because I was stuck in a car. SO! My first REAL fantasy draft is tonight, and with it comes a new season of Keepers, the show where I tell all my competitors who I’ll be targeting. DAMMIT.

I will try not to use this mailbag as a forum to shamelessly pimp Keepers (and my live Sunday show on SB Nation) all season long, and when I do, I promise to make it as relevant as possible. But if online video about fantasy football is the kind of thing you’re interested in, follow me on Twitter to get the latest.

[END WHORING SEGMENT]

Now on to your questions!

Dearest Ufford,
Fantasy first: I signed up for a new league, no keepers or anything. The guy in charge went with ESPN and their 6 pts for passing TDs (along with rushing and receiving) format, which also gives half a point for receptions. I don’t like it, but I’m not running it. I’ve always gone through Yahoo and had the system where it’s only 4 points for passing TDS, 6 for rushing/receiving, and nothing for receptions.

So, the draft is going to be different for me this time. I would usually target a RB, but I’m a little worried that some of the others in this league, who are newer to this, will grab a QB early on and I’ll be stuck looking at a lower tier guy in round 2. I don’t know my pick yet. So far ESPN’s rankings have QBs at the first 14 or so picks, and I know that’s not the thing you want to listen to, but the others might see that and all cram for QBs. Your thoughts?

I’d probably go QB first, pass-catching RB second. Get a Brees/Rodgers/Brady or other high-volume passer as soon as possible, then target a CJ Spiller/LeSean McCoy/Ray Rice-type (depending on who’s available and where you’re picking). In a perfect world, you can get a measty wide receiver who catches 100 passes (Megatron/Brandon Marshall), but if they’re taken set your sights on the next tier of pass-catching RBs: Matt Forte, Reggie Bush, then Darren Sproles a little later.

Sex: I’ve been married for 3 years now, and it’s still pretty good. It still hasn’t dropped off to the infrequency everyone warns about, so that’s something. I do have a question about bringing up some new ideas though, just to make things exciting.

I’ve been wondering how to approach this question. I’ve always had a thing for brunettes. Guys with blonde obsession laugh, but I think there’s just something about lovely dark hair and eyes. My wife has light brown hair that she dyes blonde, and she looks fine, but I’ve always wanted her to try going darker. Is this weird?

Not at all, according to me and awesome TV characters.

swanson-brunettes

Too much to ask? I’ve tried making positive statements like “You’re sexy and you’d look really hot with dark hair” every time she goes to the salon, but I don’t want to seem to overbearing or fetish-y, if that is a word.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I have a confession. I have a fetish for brunettes.” — guy addressing the 2013 Lame Fetish Convention

I feel like this would be something to spice up things, but I also know this can be a really touchy thing for women, so I’m trying to suggest it in the nicest way possible. Is there a way to do this without being a dick?
Cheers,
Andy Reid’s Personal Chef

Going for an entirely new look is a pretty big step for anybody, but especially for women, because society puts greater pressure on them to maintain their physical appearance. And as much as I want you to get what YOU want, my sympathy turns more to your wife, who’s obviously more comfortable and confident being a blonde. If you were suggesting something simpler and more cost-effective like just returning to her natural color, you might have a case to make. But just sending her to the opposite end of the color spectrum is the same amount of work and money, and it services your happiness more than hers.

I’m not saying there isn’t a conversation to be had about what you like (and hey, maybe her Halloween costume this year can involve a dark wig that you put to use in the bedroom), it’s just that any time you steer your partner toward a new look, you inherently communicate a certain dissatisfaction with how they presently look.

I fully support your desire to keep things fresh in the bedroom, but you can do that in the bedroom. Those are experiments that only need to last for half an hour (or five minutes, depending on your stamina) and don’t require a fundamental change in appearance for her.

**********

Morning/afternoon/evening gents,
Fantasy first: My keeper league (standard yardage, 4pt pass TDs, no PPR, 3 Keepers per year, value increases 2 rounds per year player is kept) has its draft this Saturday evening. I’m the reigning champion (after 6 years of trying), and I’ve managed to maintain control over Ray Rice (R2), A.J. Green (R5), and Matt Stafford (R9). Over the course of last season and the off-season, I’ve managed to accumulate four 10th round picks via trade. I fully intend having my cake and eating it too, trying to contend with my top picks while rebuilding my roster for the future. With that in mind, what late-round keeper prospects (any position) do you think would be worth a draft-and-stash in Round 10?

This is a really interesting question, which makes me feel really bad that you asked it last week and I didn’t get to it in time. Whoops! BUT, for anyone else looking for 10th-round stashes/value buys, I like Michael Vick (ADP 109.2), Michael Floyd (123.2), Bryce Brown (123.3), Jordan Cameron (124.5), DeAndre Hopkins (126.8), Alshon Jeffery (129.3), and Martellus Bennett (130.0).

Relationships second: Not so much a question as a general thank-you. I’ve been married for over 3 years, best thing that ever happened to me. Of course, about 3 weeks ago, I did something incredibly stupid that amounted to a week-long emotional affair (the details are rather boring, but needless to say I broke trust). Rather than be defensive or rationalize it, I took tips that I learned here in the KSK mailbag (take responsibility, open communication, re-focusing on the relationship, seeking professional counseling, etc.), and I’m glad to say that I’ve not only helped start repairs on my marriage, but I’m on the path to fixing a lot of long-standing issues with myself as well.

I’m one person out of many, but I wanted to thank you for the efforts put into the advice for this mailbag. It might not be professional, but it is definitely helpful, and we appreciate it.

giddy-smile-stefani

Best of luck to you in your drafts. I wish your season is free of TD vultures.
Regards,
Percy Harvin’s Tin Foil Bones

My sincere best wishes to you and your wife.

As a counterpoint to your “thanks for helping email,” here’s a comment left in last week’s mailbag:

For those readers who doubted the veracity of my story a few mailbags back, “Dating a Brazilian Porn Star”…. Her nome de guerre is Giselle Gucci. And – unfortunately – the advice offered was eye-rollingly naive of corporate politics and behavior in 2013. [*link added]

Sorry about that, dear reader. Entirely my fault that this dick-joke football blog is eye-rollingly naive about corporate politics. I would like to further apologize for my failure to understand what it’s like to be a rich man who’s afraid to introduce the beautiful Brazilian woman he loves to the fellow rich dudes at a corporate retreat in Hawaii. I’m not familiar with that level of moral cowardice. My bad.

**********

Dear Mr. Ufford,
I attend college in Washington, DC, and I’ve just started my sophomore year. During my freshman year, I met a girl that I really hit it off with. We liked the same stuff, had a similar sense of humor, and in all honestly I don’t think that I ever really felt more sure about a girl in my short, relatively experienced life. However, it took me most of the year to figure all this shit out, so we never really sealed the deal in anyway, shape or form; no date, no sex but a whole lot of flirting and what not, which extended over into the summer via text message (I’m originally from New Jersey, she’s from Maryland).

The plan on my end was to act on my feelings once school started and we were actually in the same zip code. It wasn’t until the day I started moving back into school that I found out, because of financial difficulty, she wouldn’t be attending school this year. This naturally threw a wrench in my plans and had me wondering if it was worth it to continue pursuing this girl. It’s not like I was just looking for a casual hook up, this is a girl that I feel like I could develop a deeper, more meaningful relationship with.

I realize looking for such a thing is a fool’s game while in college, but I can’t help it, I’ve been cursed to be a hopeless romantic. But at the same time, it’s not like I consider this girl “the one” or anything because, Jesus Christ, I’m 19, I’m barely qualified and mature enough to purchase a pair of socks. Still she lives within a Metro ride from DC, so it’s not like I’ll never see her again, and there’s still the possibility of her coming back next semester or some time in the near future (not just a pipe dream of mine, but a possibility she’s actually articulated herself). Obviously, it’s difficult being in a pseudo-long distance relationship with someone when you’re technically not even in a relationship with them, but I was just wondering if you think I should try and see this whole thing out and try to start something with her or abort and set my sights elsewhere. I figure if I drop all of my romantic intentions then it may make my life easier, but I guess if I wanted to make my life easier I could’ve just not been a pussy and asked her out last year.

You’re 19, she’s in the same metro area, and you don’t have any illusions about “This is the one!” I say go for it. You’re the perfect age for optimism, romance, and making life more difficult than it needs to be.

I know you’re used to dealing with the queries of the mature workingman, os sorry if this e-mail seems immature or convoluted in anyway. To make up for that and my lack of a football question, I’d like to introduce you to Floppy Tesouro, some Argentine surfer/model
Thanks,
-The Best Laid Plan

Floppy isn’t a very accurate name, is it?

I apologize if the mailbag skews to the more mature workingman. While the mailbag has grown up over the last couple years — more wedding/monogamy stuff than “how do I get my girl to do anal?” — I certainly welcome emails from people of all ages. The last fucking thing this column needs is to keep getting older. No one wants the Parenting and Fantasy Football Mailbag.

*********

Dear KSK,
Fantasy football: I’ve got the 1st overall pick in a 14-person league. QB’s get 6 points for a passing TD and lose one for an INT.

I want to burn your league to the ground.

League scoring is standard otherwise. So an elite QB is very important.

My first instinct is to go with Rodgers or Brees (favoring Brees as Rodger’s line has gotten worse despite the Packers’ best efforts otherwise), but is there any merit to grabbing one of the top RB’s at 1 overall and then getting say, Cam Newton and Randall Cobb at 28 & 29 if they’re still available? I’m somewhat worried about having a gaping hole at RB. What are your thoughts?

The bad news is that you will have a hole at RB. The good news is that you don’t need good running backs, because your shit-ass settings guarantee that all you need is a good quarterback. Draft Brees.

Sexy time: No issues here, so instead I’ve attached a few pictures of CrossFit women showing why the squat is the single best exercise.

1052376_10151500413637676_349469433_o

1148853_10151553674802676_975698025_n

 

1077709_10151499938397676_168062870_o

-Some guy who really wishes his girlfriend would start doing CrossFit with him

I like butts.

*********

Dear KSK,
We’ve got a fantastic debate going in our fantasy league right now between two teams – Tits & Crabcakes, made up of two jews, and Sac Clap, also (SURPRISE SURPRISE) made up of two jews. By now, I’m sure you’ve already guessed that the debate is about money owed/not owed, from the 2011 championship. I’ll offer the basics and a ruling would be much appreciated.

We use ESPN (don’t even get me started in how shitty ESPN is compared to Yahoo), who declared T&C champions over Sac Clap after the 2011 season, by just a few tenths of a point. The teams are paid out and everybody goes on their merry way. Cue start of 2012 season. During some pre-draft research, a league member notices that T&C is no longer the 2011 champs, rather, ESPN now shows Sac Clap as the victor, by a few tenths of a point. What the fuck right? There happened to be a stat correction 4-5 days after the championship, which was never realized because the season ended and you’d have to be a lifeless scrotum to find yourself poking around the league homepage 5 days after the season ends.

Realizing the mistake, our commissioner pussy-foots the ruling and “suggests” that T&C pay Sac Claps league dues for the 2012 season (dues were $100, different in payout in 2011 between champ and 2nd about $200-$250). Considering the faith of the members of T&C, I bet you’re shocked to hear that they declined the suggestion and never offered any financial or sexual compensation to Sac Clap.

1. If you’re going to identify people as Jews, use a capital J. It’s a proper noun.

2. I don’t know if you’re Jewish or not, and I don’t care. I’m bothered that you felt the need to specify that the tight-fisted people in your league are Jews. Outside of reinforcing stereotypes, it’s completely irrelevant to the story. Cheapskates come in all creeds and colors.

3. Seriously, don’t fucking do that. Imagine if I were telling a story about eating fried chicken, and I was like, “So OF COURSE there were all these BLACK PEOPLE there…” Like, why does that matter? Fried chicken is delicious. Just let people be people, and if they’re being assholes, call them assholes, not Jews.

Interestingly enough, our league has a FIFTH jew,

You allowed FIVE in the league?!?!?!? There goes the neighborhood.

who raised the issue once again during last week’s draft. This time, it’s been recommended that instead of compensating Sac Clap, T&C pay for a league trophy (customized helmet that is ideal for penis stickers and valued at about $150-$200). GUESS WHAT!!! T&C has refused to pay and our commissioner is threatening to boot them from the league. T&C contests that it’s unfair to retroactively apply a financial penalty in this situation and the rest of the league doesn’t really give a shit, but it’d be fucking great if they bought a helmet so I have somewhere for my penis stickers.

So I ask you, 3rd party gentile, how do you rule?

T&C owe Sac Clap, the true 2011 champion, the $200 or $250 that was the difference between first and second place in the league. They lost, period. The money that they won was not theirs. They can compensate Sac Clap or they can get the boot.

No adult needs a fantasy football trophy. Or penis stickers, for that matter.

Also, are you familiar with the “Dick Displacement Theory” for measuring ones cock and ball size?

No. I’m afraid I’m a bit removed from innovations in modern dick-measuring.

Using a ruler from the asshole to the tip is fucking amateur hour and doesn’t properly credit girthy men or men with impressive ball sacs.

frustrated-fillion

My Dick Displacement Theory, like any scientific breakthrough, was conjured up on a Sunday afternoon after a few bowl hits and 4-5 stiff cocks (cocktails, for those of you with a third grade reading level). Remember in middle school when you’d fill a beaker with water, dunk something in it, and get an A if you weren’t too dumb to write down how much water was displaced? Same principle. Gives THICK DICK PLAYAS like myself a leg to stand on against your Slim Jim-looking mother fucker who can claim 8” but could threat a needle. So next time Carl asks how big your dick is, hit him with a number that counts… 56mL MOTHER FUCKER!!!!

Wait, who’s Carl and why is he asking me how big my dick is? Who asks about dick sizes?

Fifty-six milliliters is approximately two fluid ounces, or a quarter-cup. So congrats on your stick of butter, sir. I’m sure the imagery will turn on all the women within earshot, and/or the men asking about your dick size.

**********

Dear KSK,
So I asked a woman that is getting married how she knew marriage was the right thing for her relationship.

Her response: I don’t think you ever know you just gauge how it’s gone so far and you make a gamble. And from talking to a lot of couples who have said they knew at the beginning they later say they really didn’t know they just wanted it to be true. I think people are just really uncomfortable with the ambiguity that goes with relationships. And they try to talk themselves into saying they just knew when really who knows.

What do you think? I’ve shared this with a few people. Some married, some not — and nobody really said anything.
-C. Single

I think you know some people with less-than-stellar marriages.

The short answer is that you get married when you love someone, share a vision for a life together, and don’t want to be with anyone else. It’s incredibly simple, and it doesn’t feel like a gamble.

The longer answer involves this video, and some thoughts below.

[cries for ten minutes]

As someone who’s enjoying his marriage, I don’t want to be a sentimental bore about a life of monogamy. There are pros and cons, and it’s not for everyone. But watching that video made me think: barring any accidents or medical disasters, the best I can realistically hope for is 50 years with my wife. And it’s not like I wish I’d met her sooner, because I enjoyed my life before I met her, too. But I wish I could get 75 years with her instead of 5o, because she makes my life fuller and richer and happier than it’s ever been.

And that’s how I know marriage was the right thing for us. The “ambiguity of relationships” you mentioned? No idea what the hell that even means.

**********

Caveman,
I have the fourth actual pick in my 12 team keeper league draft coming up with Lynch (2nd round) and Martin (4th round) as my keepers, and we start either 1 RB/3 WR or 2 and 2. At QB, Peyton, Brady. and Newton all project to be available and the best receivers available are Roddy, Fitz, Cruz, and VJax. At RB, Forte, C. Johnson, S. Jackson, and MJD will all be available, but again, I can only start 2. QB looks like the best value but if I take one, Torrey Smith and Reggie Wayne project as the best receivers available at my next pick in the 3rd round. If I go receiver with my first pick, I appear to have a coinflip shot at Kaepernick or Stafford in the 3rd round and could probably get Romo much later, as he projects as the 12th ranked QB in a 12 team league (with 6 QBs kept already). Do I go QB or WR? And which one? Or maybe take a 3rd RB and hit the trade market immediately?

You make an excellent point about QB versus WR. My first inclination was the former, but you’ve got a better chance of getting a solid QB in the later rounds than you do a WR. I’d take Fitty or Roddy White with your first pick, then go with Stafford or Romo later on.

Sex: I don’t have a specific question, but I was curious as to your take on the whole issue of being “too nice” to girls, especially early on. It’s definitely burned me in the past, but I think it might have been at times when I didn’t show enough confidence, was too available, or the girl wasn’t that interested in the first place. I genuinely want to treat them well, but I also don’t want them to mistake my intentions or come off desperate. I’ve tried playing it closer to the vest, but that can backfire too. Is there a good balanced approach to take? Or do these things tend to just work themselves out with the right person? Keep up the good work, good luck with the Hawks.
Leo Durocher

Okay, this is going to sound like the biggest load of faux-inspirational bullshit, but bear with me: just be confident in who you are as an individual. Women are an impossibly finicky demographic. Take a hundred women at random, and some of them will be turned off by George Clooney (“Too old!”) or Justin Timberlake (“such a player!”) or Tom Brady (“His chin is gross!”). Some women like hairy guys, some want financial security, some want a sense of humor, some hate redheads, some like bald guys, some want brooding artistic types… it goes on and on. The entire goddamn gender is completely inscrutable, and any given woman may already be programmed to be turned off by you. There is zero — fucking zero — you can do about it, except be confident in who you are and what you say.

Unless what you have to say is “56mL MOTHER FUCKER!!!!” I don’t recommend that.