joseph-ducreux

Yesterday I was all, “Ooh, look at me, I’m staying busy and killing time with lots of football stuff.” Today? GUHHHH HOW IS IT STILL AUGUST? I selected some keepers for our blogger league today (Jamaal Charles for a 2nd rounder, Kaepernick for an 8th after getting him on waivers), and it only stoked my thirst for the football season. Stupid August, BE SEPTEMBER ALREADY.

If you, dear reader, are also looking to kill time, good news: the last emailer today sent a novella-length question with more problems than the song by Jay-Z about having problems. I think it was called “I Have a Lot of Problems, but Beyoncé and My Millions of Dollars Are Mitigating Factors.” Let’s get to it:

Permission to come on board cap’n,
Fantasy: I’m in a dumb league with HS friends where the commish has won 5 years in a row. How long can this guy do it?? Where does he get his info? What’s the longest fantasy streak you’ve heard of?

Until now, the longest streak I’d heard of was three years. I’m surprised you and the rest of your league haven’t committed seppuku.

My other league is way more competitive: I am drafting first in a league where RBs are key. Do I go with Adrian or Arian?

Peterson. Foster’s been on the decline, and while no one’s been so consistent about getting into the end zone, you also don’t want to be the one who gets that first bad year.

On the backside of the snake draft, I may have the opportunity to get Jamaal Charles, CJ Spiller, Trent Richardson, or Alfred Morris. Thoughts on durability/productiveness?

If those guys are available at the end of round 2, then you’re either surrounded by morons or have an 4-team league, in which case:

dontcare-dolphin

 

(You DO have them in the correct order, though: Charles, Spiller, Richardson, Morris.)

Sex: I’m the guy who didn’t want to move in with his 5 year gf for various reasons (on your 3/29/12 bag). Finally broke up (you nailed it on the analysis, btw…just couldn’t see it at the time). I lost 30 lbs, bought new wardrobe, get confidence from by badass job, and am generally happy.

So now I’m on the prowl and getting dates. I’ve had some success (of the sex kind, wink wink) after a few dates, but here’s the thing: I can’t close on dates 1-3. I suck at it. It feels forced to go in for the kiss. It seems awkward for two people who barely know each other to reach that level of intimacy so quickly. At the same time, feel like girls love that confidence. What am I doing wrong? Fix me. Now.
School dropout – never learned ABC (Always Be Closing)

Going in for a first kiss shouldn’t be a roll of the dice that you hope ends up in your favor; it should be something you’re sure of after a couple hours of sending messages with your body language while reading hers. There are volumes written about this subject by people with more expertise than I, but a useful rule of thumb is establishing physical contact often throughout a conversation. Make physical contact a norm, and you’ve established a certain amount of intimacy.

So, let’s pretend you remember something you wanted to tell your date. Say, “Oh, get this,” while touching her arm as if you were trying to get her attention. It doesn’t matter that you already HAVE her attention — it matters that you’re touching her in a casual, non-creepy way. Sitting on neighboring bar stools? Laugh at her story and touch her leg. When you come back from the bathroom, touch her back as you pass her on the way to your chair.

Of course, establishing a norm of physical contact doesn’t fool her into being attracted to you, lulled into a trance where you can seize a kiss. It’s a two-way street, and as such you need to pay attention. Does she smile at your touch? Does she stay relaxed, or stiffen noticeably? Does she touch YOUR leg when she laughs at your jokes? Playfully hit you? All that shit is data your brain should be funneling into ones and zeroes that say KISS or DON’T KISS.

Also: alcohol helps.

**********

Hanna-Barbarian,
Sex first, I have a million questions regarding my last relationship, but every time I write one out I end up answering it myself with a MOVE ON. So, what’s the best way to pick up a service industry worker (bartender, server, stripper, etc.) that you happen to meet/see at her work?

I’ve tackled this one before, but it’s been a while, so let’s revisit this particular quest. The number one thing to remember is that the attractive bartender/waitress/stripper you’re hitting it off with is AT WORK. What’s a flirtatious social exchange for you is, for her, the groundwork to separate you from a little more of your money, be that in the form of a tip or a $20 lap dance. And yes: that’s a cynical and perhaps too black-and-white view, but it’s worth keeping at the forefront of your mind, because there’s a reason picking up a bartender or waitress tends toward the exceptional. I mean, I can get frustrated when my wife talks to me while I’m working, and I’ve signed legal documents to spend my life with her. I can’t imagine I’d want strangers interrupting me at work.

Service industry workers, of course, tend to be more social than I am, and that’s part of the allure. “It’s an attractive woman! Talking to ME! I didn’t have to approach her or anything!” Well, yeah, that’s what they do. Welcome to Hooters.

So, with that massive caveat out of the way, go ahead and try to strike up a conversation on a slow night (NEVER fuck up their flow when it’s busy). If that goes well, I’d say tip well, tell her you want to see her outside of work sometime, and hand her your card. Then walk out and hope for the best. (Since strippers don’t often have pockets, you may be better off trying to get her number.)

Oh, and don’t try to date anyone who works at a bar or restaurant that’s an established hangout for you and your friends. You don’t want to lose the ability to go there when the relationship goes south.

Fantasy next, I’ve entered a very unorthodox, qb heavy league. Scoring is 1 point/20 pass yds, 6 point passing tds, 1 point/ per COMPLETION (I know, right),

slight bonuses for high yardage (rec, pass, rush), 1 point/25 kickoff ret yds, and everything else is standard (no ppr). What should my draft strategy be? I won’t know where I’m picking until the day of, and here’s a little further insight: Brees led the league in scoring with 966 and the highest scoring non qb was All Day with 311. He was the 32nd scoringest player in the league. lineups are 1 qb, 2 rb, 2 wr, 1 te 1 flex, def/st, k, 7 bench spots. Please advise, wise one.
-Nastruthomas

You kinda HAVE to go quarterback first, right? If you can’t get a top-tier guy like Brees or Rodgers (or even Matt Ryan), target lesser QBs who throw the ball a lot: Matt Stafford, Andrew Luck, Tony Romo. I mean, every completion is worth the same as ten yards rushing! Discounting what a fucking terrible, idiotic abortion of an idea that is, you may as well try to exploit it.

**********

Dearest of Cavemen,
I find myself in a bit of a tricky spot here as I am blending the better portions of two separate leagues in with each other (not all the members of each know the others). Basically, I am separating the wheat from the proverbial chaff of each league, and in the process am creating a 16 team juggernaut full of highly competitive individuals. As such, the season should be a solid mix of people treating each other like shit, opening old wounds, and developing deep-seated hatreds of near strangers. Needless to say, I am thrilled. However, as the league is a full 16 team-er, I have implemented additional scoring and bonuses for P/K returners, etc. to create value in late rounds, as well as make things more interesting. We are a typical QB/2WR/2RB/TE/WR-RB-TE FLEX/D/K with 4 point passing TDs for QBs. Any suggestions to liven up the scoring and create other interesting value opportunities, as well as any suggestions for bringing two relatively foreign groups together (especially on draft day)?

I’m okay with points for return yards, but I disagree with the idea that bonuses make things more interesting. Bonuses arbitrarily inflate the scores of players who already put up dominating performances, so it’s only “interesting” in that you’re increasing the randomization of outcomes.

What you need to do is dial back on your starting lineup. Right now your league is going to have 32 starting running backs PLUS a flex. That’s goddamn ridiculous.

I’ve been in 14-team and 16-team leagues, and in both cases we eliminated one of the RB positions. QB – RB – 2 WR – TE – Flex – D – K. It’s still not fun, but it’s at least closer to sane.

For sexy-ness, my lady who I love and have been with for almost three years now are beginning to dive a little harder into the fun-zone with toys, newer, weirder positions and the like. This is all fun as hell, but I must admit, sometimes I like to get my bonin’ done the old fashion way, daggumit. However, she is growing very committed to certain items that operate with a higher Hz rating than my own equipment. Any recommendations for a delicate way to split the balance? I don’t mind using it once in a while, but my balls are beginning to think they reside somewhere on the San Andreas fault with the regularity of this shit.
Dutifully,
Shivered me Timbers

You’ve been together almost three years; if you can have a conversation about bringing machinery into your sex lives, then you can have a conversation about not always using it. She’s just doing what gives her the biggest orgasm, and if you don’t tell her that the frequency (physics joke) of her vibrator use lessens your experience, then she’ll keep doing what gives her the biggest orgasm, because DUH.

Or you can take charge during foreplay/sex and just say, “Not this time, baby. I need to know that I’m enough for you.” Then wave your erect penis up and down so she gets the message.

**********

Hey Matt,

How’re things?

I wish I were getting to the gym more. Other than that, fine.

Let’s start with fantasy football. I’m five years deep in a keeper league, twelve teams and standard scoring with ppr. I have to pick three keepers for my team with no draft consequences (which I think needs adjusted, but everyone with young studs on their team always vetoes any changes when they’re discussed). My best options are the following: Matt Stafford, Jimmy Graham, Roddy White, Marques Colston, and MJD. Two years ago Stafford, Graham, and MoJo took me to the championship game, but if you have any recollection of how these guys produced last year you don’t need to ask where I finished. Stafford is the biggest wild card for me. He’s got the potential for 5k yards and 40 touchdowns (which I’ve no doubt he’ll produce if I drop him), but his offensive line is in shambles and even with Bush (and his receiving abilities) the running game seems unsettled at best. He can also resume being The Stafford of Old and shatter like a Christmas bulb at any time. So any input here would be appreciated.

Are you able to see who your league-mates are keeping? If all the top-flight QBs are kept — and in a league without draft consequences, that seems likely — you may as well hold on to Stafford, who threw for 4965 yards in his “off” year, good enough to be the 10th best fantasy QB in the league despite a 20-17 TD/INT ratio. He’ll be better this year — maybe not 2011-good, but better.

If the pickin’s at QB are slim, I’d go with Stafford, Graham, and MJD. I see a bounce-back year for MJD, and I think Roddy and Colston are past their prime now.

As for my relationship, I apologize but this is going to be lengthy no matter how I slice it. Buckle up.

yayyyyyyy

I’ve been with my girlfriend just over two years now. We’re both in our late twenties. Life is generally good and overall I’ve never been happier sharing my life with anyone else. We moved in together a few months ago and are getting to the point where I’m thinking about putting a ring on it if not for one troubling vital facet. She does not particularly enjoy having sex. In the beginning phases of our relationship we would bang on the regular but this has become pretty infrequent (I realize this is not uncommon, but read on). There are several layers here that have come together in sort of a perfect storm, if you will. For the sake of some semblance of concision and mild comic relief, I’ve written our issues out in Peter King-style bullet points from least to most concerning, though I don’t doubt they’re mostly tied together to an extent (clearly to the final one). Here we go.

A.) She has an incredibly busy schedule. I nearly omitted this because, fuck, everyone is busy and that shouldn’t be an excuse. But she has an emotionally and psychologically draining full-time job, is a full-time graduate student working on her practicum, and frequently participates in triathlons and marathons. It’s not uncommon for her to walk in the door after a 12 hour day of obligations in a near-coma and be out cold before 10pm during the week. I know she won’t always be a student or training for these races, but it would be naive of me to assume that she’ll suddenly become less busy as we get older and a mortgage, kids, or other aspects of adulthood are in play. For a lot of people, sex would be a great ending to a long and stressful day, but in her case…

2.) Her birth control seems to lower her sex drive. I vaguely recall this being tackled in a prior mailbag, but for her it’s not as simple as switching. Every other variety she’s tried seems to have even less desirable side effects. She takes this particular pill and the fact that she’s not insanely hormonal or covered in acne is a minor moral victory for her. We’ve discussed alternatives but it doesn’t seem like this is changing any time soon. And I’m not advocating for condoms, but they’re out of the question due to the fact that…

iii.) She has an absurdly sensitive vagina.

“Absurdly Sensitive Vagina” is a pretty good name for a fantasy team.

Now I’m not ashamed of what I bring to the table, but no one’s mistaking me for Ron Jeremy either. Any position that would allow for deeper penetration is a no-go for her. Any kind of marathon humping session would likely have her in tears (and not the good kind). I’ve never had a problem bringing her to orgasm, but it has to be in her very specific, methodical way. And because this is the only way she can climax, she’s not very prone to trying new things. If we were to get married, I feel like our wedding night would be an hour of foreplay, five minutes of our standard intercourse, and her falling asleep 66 minutes after the reception ends. When we do have sex, it’s pretty clear that her confidence is lacking because…

Q.) She struggled with anorexia most of her teenage years, and is still incredibly self-conscious about her body. This is where it starts to get serious. I’m very pleased to report that she is at a healthy weight, eats three meals a day, and has an absolutely slamming body that a lot of women would kill for. But now matter how many times a day I tell her how sexy I find her, she still sees a fat little girl every time she looks in the mirror and probably always will.

Yeah, remember when you wrote “I know she won’t always be training for these races”?

She will always be training for those races.

Her happiness and ability to have a positive self-image are far more important to me than the impact this has on our sex life, but obviously it takes a toll in the bedroom. If she had her way the only way we’d ever do it would be with her as fully-clothed as possible, under the covers, and with every light in the city off. I’m exaggerating here, but you get the idea. Of course, it’s easy to see how she developed an eating disorder when…

6.) She was sexually abused by her father as a child, and in the typical pattern of any battered woman, subsequently went through a period where she dated guys that also abused and took advantage of her. This is something only her closest friend and I are aware of. She has never told her family or law enforcement, and despite my encouragement has no plans to. Her parents are divorced and her father is not a part of any of their lives (apparently even without them having any knowledge of him being an incestuous fucking pedophile, he still did enough for her mother and siblings to realize that he’s human garbage). I do not know the extent of what went on, other than the fact that he did not have intercourse with her. I would be supportive if she ever felt inclined to share, but I have a feeling that would result in me purchasing a gun and finding this fucker.

She’s gotta get her narrow ass to therapy. This is much too serious for you or a football blogger to handle, and it’s certainly too heavy for her to deal with alone. She needs to see a mental health professional. Period.

So if you’ve come this far and you’re still with me, I realize I’ve painted quite a picture. In spite of what she’s been through, she’s a remarkably well-adjusted adult outside of her problems with intimacy. I had a rotation at a psych hospital once, and I’ve seen firsthand what childhood trauma of this level can do to a person. This is just a way of me saying that her strength and resilience are incredible, and just a few of the many things that I love and respect about her. Which is why it feels petty and wrong for me to be complaining about a lack of sex.

Not at all. You’re still entitled to feelings and needs.

Nonetheless, it’s a pretty standard cliché that sex is a vital part of any healthy relationship, and if this is how things are in our 20′s, I hate to envision how little sex we’d have in our 40′s and beyond. To me, that just wouldn’t seem like a marriage that’s built to succeed. I imagine the short answer is a lot of empathy and understanding from me, a lot of open communication between us, and a lot of therapy for her.

Welcome to the KSK Sexbag: Readers Answer Their Own Questions Edition.

But as one might expect, these things are difficult for her to talk about, and even though her happiness is my first priority, any discussion we’ve had mentioning a lack of sex tends to have her think I only bring it up out of self-interest. I’m certainly not about to give her an ultimatum like DURRR GET YOURSELF BETTER SO WE CAN BONE MORE OR WE’RE OVER, because no matter my choice of words, that’s how she’d hear it. So that’s where I’m at. If you’ve got any additional insight to throw my way, let me have it.
Thanks for listening,
Not in the mood (for a witty signature)

Personally, because I’m a shallow sex fiend who likes simplicity, I’d be all “SMOKE BOMB!” and out the door of this relationship to search for something that didn’t require so much heavy emotional lifting. But since you seem to be fully emotionally committed, I’ll give this a go.

While your girlfriend’s trust in you is admirable, it’s also unfair that you have to carry that kind of burden without any way to alleviate the problem — hence your outrage and murderous anger towards him. The biggest divide in male-female communication — at least in my experience — is that men listen to women’s problems and want to solve them, while women tell men their problems so that the men will sympathize and deepen their emotional connection. Under ordinary circumstances, it just takes some tweaking of the man’s response (“I’m sorry, babe. That Becky is SUCH a bitch”).

But in YOUR case, the problem is too big for you or her to handle. It has far-reaching consequences in how she lives her life, which in turn impacts the life that the two of you have together. She doesn’t need therapy so you can have sex more often. She needs therapy so she can feel good about herself, and not be ashamed of or unhappy with her body.

I don’t know what to do about the sensitive vagina, though. Maybe that’s your excuse to try butt stuff.