rexdies

Last year: 6-10, third place in AFC East

Acquisitions: Geno Smith, Dee Milliner, Kellen Winslow, Dawan Landry, Sheldon Richardson

Departures: Darrelle Revis, LaRon Landry, Shonn Greene, Joe McKnight, Yeremiah Bell, Tim Tebow

Vegas win total over/under: 6 1/2 wins

Verdict: UNDER

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Five ways this season might not be so horrible for Jets fans:

- No Tebow!

- No Fireman Ed!

- No hope! (actually not as bad as it sounds)

- Jeff Tuel creates the possibility of not having the worst starting QB in the division.

- I dunno, maybe someone hurts Tom Brady?

Fan forecast, by kommenter Lord of the Buttfumble (formerly Lord Revisisle):

Before I start evaluating the 2013 New York Jets, I’d like to introduce my tried and true ranking system How Fucked Are the Jets This Year©. In order of increasing fuckedness:

Tier One: A Little Fucked
Tier Two: Somewhat Fucked
Tier Three: Averagely Fucked
Tier Four: Royally Fucked
Tier Five: More Fucked than the Whores of Tijuana when the Ryan Brothers are in Town.

2012 Recap

Offense

Things that I would trust to be more effective than the Jets Offense: 1) Antonio Cromartie, Sex-Ed Instructor, 2) Mark Brunell, Financial Advisor, 3) Mark Sanchez, High School Prom Chaperone, 4) Santonio Holmes, DEA Agent.

The Jets will likely struggle mightily to generate points as they have over the course of the past two years. While the offensive line is serviceable, the receiving and running back corps are not first rate units. The Jets are still running the Wildcat which leads me to believe that the Buttfumble game drove Rex to insanity and he still thinks it is 2011. It would not surprise me that he called Geno Smith “Brad” throughout training camp and has one of the running backs always peddling on the sideline cycles to channel Tomlinson. However, considering the QB situation, maybe having an offensive scheme that does not rely on a QB is not such a bad idea after all. I don’t consider Mark “El Shitbox” Sanchez a QB as much as a football satirist. No quarterback who is trying to play the position seriously could fuck up as magnificently as El Shitbox has during his four year stint as a starter. Just watch the video above and tell me El Shitbox’s play does not have seem deeper meaning behind it, such as why our culture should not lionize quarterbacks or something like that. Of course thanks to the brilliant general managing of Mike Tannenbaum (may his name be forever accursed), Mark graces us with his presence for at least another year. I’m sure the rest of you will greatly enjoy that, while I will go one lamenting why I chose the Jets over the Giants for my football-rooting interests. As for Geno Smith (I’m writing this after the 3rd preseason game), he still has a long way to go before he’s a viable NFL QB. It is a sad state of affairs when one is fondly pining for the Chad Pennington days. I’m sure I’ll be raising Les TriFuckore several times this year.

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Fuckedness Rating: Tier Five

Defense

The Jets traded away, in my estimation, their franchise’s all-time best player during the offseason. I understand that it was probably necessary from a financial standpoint to trade Revis away, but the “trading away one’s best players” plotline follows “terrible drafting” in the hilarious routines of America’s favorite sitcom “That’s Such a Jets Thing to Do”. However, Rex can still field a capable defense. The Jets have invested heavily in improving their defensive line and natural pass rush by obtaining players such as Wilkerson, Coples, and Richardson and I think these investments should produce some solid dividends. I’m somewhat concerned about the linebacking corps as the Jets have a tendency to allow some huge plays once the opposition gets into the second level of the defense. As for the secondary, Cromartie had a very productive year. However Kyle Wilson is good for at least half a dozen boneheaded pass interference penalties on 3rd-and-infinity this season. I hate Kyle Wilson more than Eric Cartman hates Kyle Broflovski. LaRon Landry has been replaced by his brother, Dawan, but it will be seen if he’s a good a crippler as LaRon was as a Jet. The defense will likely not be on the same caliber as the 2009 and 2010 ones, but it should be capable nonetheless.

Fuckedness: Tier Two

Special Teams

Billy Cundiff and Nick Folk are battling for the place kicker spot (ed. note: so long, Cundiff!), so this team does not want me to enjoy watching them this year.

Fuckedness: Tier Four

Prognosis

Unfortunately, this season reeks of that oh-so-wonderful franchise stage of “rebuilding year”. This will likely be Rex’s last season as the Jets head coach. He probably needs to go to the postseason to keep his job, but considering the titanic struggles the offense has in moving the ball that will probably not happen. I still like Rex, at the very least he can build a solid defense and coach up players. Without him, the Jets would probably not have made those playoff runs in 2009 and 2010. He did win four of the franchise’s twelve all-time playoff victories. A lot of the team’s recent struggles stems from some poor decisions made by the previous GM. Also, it does not help having El Shitbox as your starter for the bulk of his tenure, as he is the Cleveland of starting quarterbacks in this league. However, Rex is probably better suited as a defensive coordinator than a head coach. His teams were rather volatile and while that can produce great highs, as evidenced by the 2009-2010 years, it can also result in terrible lows, as shown by the 2011 and 2012 campaigns. The Ryan era will probably end with a whimper instead of a bang, unless Rex immolates Sanchez on the field and sets a pack of rabid dogs upon him then rides off into the sunset on his chopper, the “Pussytuber Express”. Good Night Sweet Rex and flights of Steaks and Blowjobs sing thee to thy rest.