Last year: 7-9, third place in NFC South
Acquisitions: Keenan Lewis, Kenny Vaccaro, Kenny Stills, Chris Carr, Jim Leonard
Departures: Sedrick Ellis, Chase Daniel, Devery Henderson, Chris Ivory, Will Smith (injury)
Vegas win total over/under: 9 wins
Five ingredients in Rob Ryan’s Jammin’ Jambalaya:
– Spicy 12-piece mixed from Popeye’s
– Box of Bugles to use as noodles
– Two ground up Baconators
– Couple crawdads or whatever the f*ck
– Zatarain’s Jambalaya mix
Fan forecast by Bunkie Perkins:
Bienvenue Monsieur Payton!
Any respected and legitimate preview of the New Orleans Saints will start with a detailed discussion of how the return of Sean Payton should bolster morale within the organization and provide immediate stability to a team and offense that, at times last season, looked lost without his leadership. A legitimate preview would do that.
If you are reading this, then you are looking for nothing with any sort of legitimacy, so I’m just going to post a picture of Sean Peyton grinding up on some middle-aged divorcee in the club in the Bahamas…
…and then mention that he spent his suspension getting rung up in PeeWee football by an offense so old that it remembers when there were white and black segregated huddles.
Hey Rob Ryan, SHOW ME OUR TITS!
The Saints had the worst defense in the history of ever in 2012. To remedy the situation, the team brought in Rob Ryan to turn things around.
So if you are scoring at home, in three years, the defensive coordinator position on staff has been filled by the likes of Gregg Williams, Steve Spagnuolo, and now Rob Ryan. That’s like going from an abusive dad, to an absentee dad, to a dad who lets you and your friends drink in the house, and ogles your little sister’s friends when no one is looking. Also, your mother is apparently a huge whore.
Random side note about the Ryan brothers: I think we’d all have a lot more respect for them if they would just wear the twin’s outfits from the dance scene in Rad.
Linebacking Corps and Exploding Knee Emporium Inc.
Do you play for the New Orleans Saints professional football team?
Are you listed as a linebacker on said professional football team’s roster?
If you answered yes to both of those questions then that burning smell emanating from your lower extremities is the smoldering remains of the ligaments in one or both of your knees.
Linebackers Victor Butler and Will Smith are out for the season with knee injuries suffered in the pre-season and defensive leader Jonathan Vilma is fighting the lingering effects of off-season knee surgery (likely caused by incessant stabbing of a makeshift Vilma voodoo doll by Roger Goodell during the 2012 season).
Hate Done Early
The Saints get to hatin’ right at the outset of the season, as the rival Atlanta Falcons come in to the Superdome in Week 1. This is where I could remind Falcons fans that they’ve never won a Super Bowl, or that Matt Ryan has only won one playoff game in his career, but I’m just going to post a picture of this thing that your rube defensive end married and impregnated multiple times, all for a national television audience.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news and humor before everyone else.