Last year: 10-6, lost in Wild Card round
Acquisitions: Greg Jennings, Desmond Bishop, Sharrif Floyd, Xavier Rhodes, Cordarrelle Patterson, Matt Cassel
Departures: Percy Harvin, Antoine Winfield, Geoff Schwartz, Chris Kluwe
Vegas win total over/under: 7 1/2 wins
Five benefits of “juicing on the blood of Jesus”:
- Current NFL testing only detects doping on the blood of Yahweh or Allah.
- Able to turn the other cheek on a dime.
- It works for AP but not Tebow.
- Can forgive your quarterback for the most abysmal of mistakes.
- Bonus carpentry skillz!
Fan forecast by Purple Jesus Diaries:
An Introduction to Minnesota (Le Start)
The 2013 Minnesota Vikings are much like the state they reside in. Super boring.
It wasn’t always this way (with the team, not with the state, but that’s why things had to change). The Vikings use to throw out Denny Green and his wicked drum set, Randy Moss and his antics, a Jedi Master at quarterback, sex boat parties, and players who’d run through the Okra Patch for each other. Our team was AWESOME. And even after those years, we still ended up with Purple Jesus, the Ambiguously Gay Punter Chris Kluwe, psychopath Percy Harvin, and a whole slew of characters that were easy to love to hate. And now? …
The team was forced to clean house. Over the last several years, we’ve made sweeping changes to “clean up our image.” We brought in a coach with the personality of a turtle, a quarterback who’s more faceless than Arya Stark, and are left with aging, NFL-churned marketing tools like Jared Allen, who use to be so fun until the Ginger Hammer struck. This team is just boring, and boring doesn’t get the god damn job done.
But you know what? Boring is what Minnesota does. Sorry, Twin City-ites, but for those unfamiliar with our state, we have no great heritage. We do meat raffles. We invented Spam, and 3M. You know, Post-It Notes? Yup. Swell. We’re whiter than Toby Gerhart, which probably explains why he’s still on the team. The culture in Minnesota just isn’t that interesting (Unless you love winter sports!) and the team reflects this make up now. When you trade Percy Harvin, cut Antoine Winfield, cut Chris Kluwe, and sign Greg Jennings as your offseason? Yeah, you probably butter your toast with tap water.
Notable Offseason Vikings Changes (Le Middle Thing)
Despite the changes we’ve made to become the Ted Mosby of the NFL, Vikings GM Rick Spielman apparently has a plan of drafting un-interesting talent which is kind of working, and confusing the hell out of everyone. The team grabbed DT Sharrif Floyd (Hurt already!), CB Xavier Rhodes (Also had a training camp injury!), and WR Cordarrelle Patterson (Crossing my fingers!) in the draft to add to a group of young, surprisingly good core of players. Younger starters like Harrison “Dirty Harry” Smith, kicking sensation Blair “Little Big Leg” Walsh, and Jarius “Peek-a-Boo” Wright (I’m really trying to make this interesting), have taught us you can actually build a team through the draft. This, of course, is news to Vikings fans as we thought a team’s offseason could only consist of over-paying for aging, injured players from your division rivals. Naturally, we did that too. The team’s big free agent splash of Greg Jennings was nice, I suppose, but even Jennings won’t be enough to turn around our woeful passing attack slaps when Christian Ponder is your quarterback.
What You’ll Have to Slog Through During Vikings Games (Le Done)
Which is to say, this 2013 Vikings team ridez or diez with Ponder. They find themselves in a unique position where their top two quarterbacks (Ponder and Chiefs cast-off Matt Cassel) are apparently fighting vigorously for the backup spot. Ponder will end up being the starter, but only because he passes our coaches always reliable “eye test” with his potential talent ceiling. Demented Vikings fans will tell you Ponder still needs more time to prove himself, citing “equal” examples of Tom Brady and Eli Manning needing time to show their worth. Because they’re totally the same, you know. The remaining non self-masochists will shake our heads sullenly, and try to figure out how a guy with 27 games under his belt still has some vast reservoir of untapped potential he’s going to uncover starting this year. Sirs, he married Samantha Steele, you think he’s still motivated to do better? He already out-passed his own deep ball. He’s done trying.
The Vikings have three “Primetime” games this year, if we’re still counting NFL games on a Thursday as “Primetime.” I hope those are the only three games you have to watch from this collection of wet farts. Absolutely, our lord and savior Purple Jesus will always put on a breath-taking display of gamesmanship during any week, and the Vikings defense has the potential to be… mediocre to OK? But if you like your football to include the “forward pass” or “entertainment” then I would advise you to cheer for the characters on other team. The Vikings offense is going to be more aggravating to watch than a TBS version of Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
I predict like a 7-9 season, 3-13 if Adrian Peterson gets smart and says “F*ck this, you won’t Barry Sanders me” and leaves the team. Godspeed, Adrian.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news and humor before everyone else.