july5

We gotta work today? Seriously, what is this bullsh*t?

If you’re reading this on July 5, it’s because you’re at work and trying to kill time because there’s no way in hell that you’re actually being productive today. You’re hungover. You’re half-asleep. Of course, for a lot of people, that would be the case anyway, but today is especially bad since absolutely no one is going to bother. It’s just a tacit workplace agreement that some people have to show up the Friday after a holiday, be miserable and tired, then leave early enough that showing up felt twice as pointless. Also, celebrating the Fourth already put your mind in weekend mode, and there’s no point shaking it back into functionality for one day.

For some folks, this is day two of a joyous four-day weekend. Those people owe their privilege either to good planning (they took today off far in advance) or being in a career position where they can just piss off and have underlings do the work for them. Either way, these folks can go screw.

For the rest of us, it’s going through the motions until we can get back to the blissful laziness and gluttony we had been indulging on the Fourth. What’s the point of even expecting employees to show up for a Friday when there’s a holiday on Thursday. We do it every year following Thanksgiving. Workplace productivity has to be in the negative. Yes, I imagine people show up to work and actually erase work that they had previously done because they’re so frustrated that they were forced to break up what could have been a nice stretch of relaxation.

Actually, I was wrong when I said absolutely no one will bother trying at work. Because every workplace has one overeager ass-kisser who will guilt you by being useful today or, even worse, imploring YOU to be useful. Most days, you hate this person, but there’s an extra special loathing for them today. Because they’re a reminder of what you would be doing, if your job meant enough to you it wouldn’t be a exhausting burden to show up for one day after a day off. But it doesn’t and that makes you hate your job, your coworker and yourself all at the same.

Oh, and hate the people who don’t have to come to work today. One of whom is probably your boss.

At least July 4 is on a Friday next year.