abstinence

A few weeks back I encouraged everyone to go out and have a steamy summer filled with lots of sex with strangers. Judging by this week’s letters, that message was taken to heart by people in relationships. Not cool, y’all. Let’s dive in:

Captain,
I was posted in the mailbag back in February, and I was hoping to follow up as we are getting closer and closer to the start of the fantasy season. Fantasy up front: Since that posting back in February, Gronk had had yet another forearm surgery and then, just for good measure, back surgery. Does it at all change the prospects of keeping the guy for the 14th round value? I’m thinking no, but I’m weak willed and need outside confirmation…

Think about the players usually available in the 14th round. Then ask yourself, “Will the player I get in the 14th round be better than Rob Gronkowski?”

Relationship stuff: Nothing for me here, still dating the aforementioned great girl. However, one of her friends is going through a tough break up (6+ year relationship, but she was the initiator of the split due to his “outside” activities).

Outside activities like going for bike rides and playing frisbee? Seems kinda harsh.

We outlined for her the basics of the KSK Post-Breakup guide, but she hasn’t exactly been following 100% (still talking to the guy, has been in mourning for 3+ months, etc). OK, let me correct the previous statement, she’s really only following Step 3. The part that has me and my lady friend concerned is how far she has taken step 3, she works out anywhere between 2 & 4 times a day, every day, and is starting to veer a bit towards the unnaturally skinny side. Is there any way we can point out to her that she is focusing too much on the improving herself physically part and not on the other parts of successfully moving on?
Keep up the good work,
– Kid-Tripping Coach

I’m not enough of a huckster to encourage blind adherence to a program, but the idea behind my post-breakup plan is that it’s a series of steps, not an à la carte menu. And step 1 is break off contact with your ex. You don’t get to just jump to step 3 and think you’re doing great.

Your friend isn’t coping with grief or even improving herself — she’s just redirecting her obsession. And obviously what you want to do is just shake the shit out of her and yell “KNOCK IT OFF YOU PSYCHO,” but if you’ve ever met anyone obsessed with exercising or body image, you know that’s not gonna work. Let your girlfriend intervene gently and in the name of good sense while you enjoy a cold, refreshing beer.

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El Capitan,
Let’s talk football first! I’m in the honorable position of league commissioner for my league of 12 of my best friends. We all grew up together in the same home town, and somehow have managed to keep our league intact and competitive for 10 years. Understandably so, as we’ve gotten older, our “Draft Day” has significantly become the best day of the year considering most of us are now Cube Monkeys Monday-Friday and spend our little free time hanging out at IKEA on the weekends with our Girlfriends/Wives. Typical draft day includes but is not limited to: Live/In-Person Draft, Keg(s) of Beer, Beer Pong, Throwing Footballs around, Other games, Grilling Steaks/Meat and of course, no Chicks allowed (because let’s face it, Women hate fantasy football)

Tread softly, friend. I know many women who are ruthless cutthroats about fantasy.

and all of this topped off with going out after a 6 hour draft to black out at a nearby bar and talk about how everyone else drafted shitty teams and this is your team’s year.

Sounds pretty good, minus the blacking out part.

We’ve had some curve balls in the past that have impacted drafts, aka, people not being able to make draft dates, occasionally Hurricane/shitty weather but we’ve persevered. This year presents a something challenge… One of our friends is now in REHAB. (It’s the voluntary kind, he can “leave” whenever). Most members of the league have already discussed what options we have and our group is pretty split on what’s right/wrong/smart/responsible/how rehab works. Keeping in mind that this is someone we all know and are friends with, everyone has an opinion. The 2 most suggested scenarios that could follow for our draft day: Have a DRY-Draft, my argument is it’s still fun given all the other stuff we do during the day, and we are almost 30 years old and can be mature/responsible for ONE day. Or, our friend could do Phone-In/Skype/Have someone else draft and we can still do all of the above, but this might come across as he’s “Not Welcome” and who knows how that affects someone who is already feeling alienated. From the friend in rehab, he is “looking forward to Draft Day,” so, all signs point to him wanting to join. Conversation with him has been very limited. By the way, one of the other lesser suggestions was, have our friend come and have “like 2-3 beers with us.”

haha

Also, are we completing F’ing his rehab by adding yet another addiction; Fantasy Football? There wasn’t an episode of Keepers was this? I may need to re-watch all the episodes again!

I think there’s a spectrum of acceptable options here. Like, the MOST considerate thing would probably be to have a dry draft. You could get a keg of O’Doul’s and still make all the same nasty comments about Chris Johnson each other’s mothers. I also think it’s reasonable to still have beer in his presence. He will, after all, have to live his life around people who are drinking, so one of his first experiences may as well be around good friends who aren’t encouraging him to drink. (NOTE: make sure this message filters down to the guy who wants your rehab bro to have 2-3 beers.) If you choose this option, again: provide him with an alternative to booze. Ask him in advance what he wants, and make sure he’s cool with other people drinking.

Bottom line: he should be invited, and you should be considerate of his situation, but you don’t have to change EVERYTHING for him (unless you’re a great deal more sympathetic and kind than the average man in his 20s).

As far as sex/relationship, I’m getting married in 2 months (HOLY.FUCK.), so things are going well in that department. BONUS: My Fiancee (I’m a reader, I know the difference) and I haven’t killed each other during the planning stages and things have gone quite smooth

Smoothly. You’re a reader, you should know the difference.

given the awful Wedding Planning stories you always hear of. My question, as far as DAY OF the Wedding, what should I (or we, as a couple) focus on? I’m probably going Golfing with my groomsmen that day, so I guess I figure a good plan is to show up…NOT drunk. Anything else?
Keep up the good work!
-Hoping marriage is easier than fantasy football

Not really. For the bride, it’s an hours-long process of getting her hair done and makeup done and generally trying to keep it together so she looks more beautiful than she ever has on the biggest day of her life. For the groom, eh. Put the suit on and show up on time.


Pretty sexy, right? I enjoyed a couple drinks in the hours before my wedding, but I was careful about it. Obviously, you don’t want to be a groom who slurs his vows — enjoy living that down for the rest of your wedded life — but more importantly, you want to be clear-headed and present for the wedding, because despite all the clichéd jokes about cold feet and sweaty palms, it’s one of very few days in your life that you KNOW will be important for the rest of your life. It’s one of life’s benchmarks, and you should have a clear head for it.

Other wedding-day tips for dudes:

  • Whether or not you exchange wedding day gifts, give your bride a thoughtful card. She’s got lots of downtime while her hair and makeup and nails get done, so she may as well read about how you’re excited to spend your life with her, blah blah blah.
  • Gifts for your groomsmen. “Manly yet thoughtful” isn’t an easy gift, but I got a Leatherman took from one groom and always appreciated it. I also have an engraved flask from ten years ago.
  • Thanking the father of the bride before the wedding, especially if he’s paying for it.
  • Take the time to eat. You see it a lot: the bride and groom get caught up in photos and toasts and saying hello to every single person there, then suddenly it’s 11:00 p.m. and they’re drunk and starving.

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Greetings Leatherneck,
Sex: My buddy, John, is currently banging another guy’s girlfriend (Stacy). He knows the guy (Benny). He doesn’t really care for the guy, and, according to the girlfriend, she doesn’t really like Benny either. My buddy knows this is wrong, and I’ve communicated this to him in the form, “Just remember I’m the one who has to explain all this to your Mom at your funeral when your brain gets bashed in with a hammer while you’re asleep.” What’s your stance?

Just  don’t do it. I mean, just… don’t. Like, I don’t expect any rational person to ascribe to the notion of karma, but actions have consequences. And shitty actions have shitty consequences.

From what I’ve seen, people cheat for one of two reasons: (1) they’re compulsive shitheads, or (2) they’re too cowardly to break up with someone they no longer want to date. (You can make the argument that the latter category is also compulsively shitheaded, but the difference is that there’s a specific motive. You can make a Venn diagram if it makes you feel better.)

Judging by Stacy’s opinion of the boyfriend she’s cheating on, she falls into the latter category. Sure, she could break up with Benny and sleep with John guilt-free, but that would take working up the nerve to do it, seeing Benny hurt, going through all the drama, the fallout of separating belongings/moving out, etc. Easier to just fuck someone else on the down-low, right?

How does this affect John? Well, whether Stacy realizes it or not, she’s made John the dynamite that will blow up the relationship. Maybe she’ll blurt it out to Benny when he pisses her off sometime, maybe Benny will stumble onto some piece of evidence, I don’t know. But she’s dating someone she doesn’t want to be dating, and John is the convenient way out. And when that happens, John will get the lifelong ire of poor cuckolded Benny and any tire-iron-wielding friends Benny may have.

John should tell Stacy that if she wants to see him, she needs to break it off with Benny. It’s really that simple.

Fantasy: I’m on the cusp of an idea in an attempt to spice things up in my league of close friends going on 10+ yrs. Due to proximity becoming a factor we’ve been unsuccessful performing our live draft tradition. As a result, l would like to encourage all users to communicate with reckless banter via Google Hangout. I’m putting together a set of drinking game rules for the draft. #1 Rule: Similar to the NFL Draft (2nd Round), each owner’s 1st round draft pick must be announced via guest or team representative of their choice. The possibilities are endless; Ex-girlfriends, Craigslist Associates, Amanda Bynes. The best part is we all have enough dirt on each other to successfully cover up a murder – too soon?

Nothing is ever too soon.

 

Here’s the issue: We transitioned to an Auction Draft which is fully supported. However, I can’t fathom a way to incorporate this rule into an Auction Draft. It won’t have the same impact if your guest is solely nominating a player to bid upon. Any ideas? Most other rules center around when to drink based on personal league idiosyncrasies. While we’re on the topic, what drinking rules would Caveman implement for a live draft?
Strength & Honor,
Bill Brasky

Why do you need rules for drinking? Do the people in your league not know how to drink already?

As a married man in his 30s, I don’t care much for drinking games. Drunkenness is a journey to be enjoyed, not a destination you race to. If you’re 21 and have a case of Busch Light, then yes: make up rules to consume it as quickly as possible.

vagrants-choice

If you’re faced with a television event that stands to be predictable and dull — hello, awards shows and the Olympics opening ceremony — then whip up some rules and make the boring event more fun. But if you’re hanging out (or Google Hanging-out) with old friends, everyone should just enjoy the company and drink at their own pace.

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Dear Cap’n,
I’m in a twelve team league in which we get to keep two players for this season before switching to one keeper next season. Pick two of these three to help lead my Whore Island Rampage to victory: Andrew Luck (11th), Julio Jones (5th), and Doug Martin (3rd). I plan on keeping Luck as I can continue to keep him for a couple of years, but I keep waffling on who’s the better value between Jones and Martin. What do you think?

How long can you keep that one keeper beyond next year? Because as good as Luck was his rookie year, if you can’t keep him for that 11th pick for the next 5 or eight or 10 years, I’d be more interested in keeping Julio and the Muscle Hamster.

But if you’re choosing between those two, I like Julio in the 5th. I can’t justify that with anything approximating stats, though. That’s strictly a result of me having Julio in a couple leagues the last two years and loving him versus me having no faith in any of the Bucs I’ve drafted. So: probably wrong, but I’m sticking with it anyway.

As penance for not having a sex/relationship question, I have included a gif of Kate Upton.
-Seth

KateUpton

Always an acceptable substitute.

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Dear KSK, Keeper:
randall cobb (costs 8th rd pick) or demarco murray (10th)? Wr is deeper than rb, but if I watch Murray waste away injured on my bench for another season I’ll go insane.

Cobb. He’s going to have a breakout season.

Sex: I was getting a blowie in a semi-public place yesterday and had to do an emergency zip-up midway through, pinching a bit of the crown in the process.

No blood, but it’s a deep red. Any tips for nursing the captain back to health (besides avoiding sexy-time)? It’s probably not enough to warrant a doctor trip, right? Ps: pics available if necessary for proper advice.
Sincerely,
Owning Demarco is More Painful Than Zipping Your Dick

No need for pics, thank you. I think you should be fine with ice and rest, but don’t hesitate to see a doctor if something looks amiss. That’s the only penis you’re ever gonna have. Treat it as such.

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Dear KSK,
Fantasy Football: Quite frankly,

I don’t really need any advice right now. I am the two-time, two-time, two-time defending Super Bowl champ in my league. As such, I “get” to be the commissioner again this year. My question: we currently use a pay site. I’m looking for a recommendation for a free site that is easy to use and will accommodate our somewhat quirky scoring system. Any help would be appreciated.

I prefer Yahoo and NFL. I think ESPN’s a step down, and I see people using CBS Sports for fantasy sports, but would never ruin my internet credibility by doing so myself.

Relationships: Two questions:

(1) My friend and his wife (Fred and Ginger) have a loser 21 year old child who is a part-time server at a local family restaurant and a full-time Angry Birds enthusiast.

Whatever, the Star Wars version is fucking incredible.

A year ago, Ginger informed Fred they will not have marital relations when their kid is in town.

So, fuck Ginger. Got it.

Since the kid maybe leaves town once or twice a year and probably won’t move away from home until his late 20s, this essentially equates to limited marital relations for the foreseeable future. I have offered my house as an alternative when I’m out of town, but Ginger won’t go for that either. To me, this arrangement is unreasonable and her position is pretty much an implicit blessing for Fred to pursue other opportunities. Fred and I travel out of town together a couple of times a year and I, for lack of a better term, want to play wingman sometime. I do think Fred should inform Ginger before he proceeds, but it’s really none of my business. What say you?

I say Fred and Ginger’s son needs to be fired out of a cannon into the real world. Then they can just have sex whenever they want.

Since that won’t happen, I’ll simply recommend keeping your distance. The less you know, the better. If Fred wants to cheat on his wife or have an open relationship or whatever, that’s something he can do without you encouraging him one way or the other. And while I’m all about a traditional, monogamous relationship, I also have a wife who wouldn’t pull that sort of no-sex bullshit in support of a weak-willed young adult. So if I were you, I wouldn’t want to play wingman, but I also wouldn’t lecture Fred about what he does. I’d be Switzerland.

(2) I’ve hooked up with a cute bartender (Martha) four or five times in the past two years. We were both unattached and discreet enough about things so no one else knew anything was going on. That is until the last encounter a few months ago. Pretty much everyone saw us slosh out of the bar together. Her boyfriend (Biff) came out looking for her and was told she left with me. No bueno.

So much cheating in this mailbag.

Thankfully, I had to travel out of town for about a month afterwards. Upon my return, Martha and Biff had gotten engaged (!)and Martha got a DUI and entered an alcohol rehabilitation program complete with random testing.

[kisses fingertips]

Girl has a binge drinking problem. Looks like I dodged a bullet there. No such luck. The last time we hooked up three months ago, Martha informed me she has trouble climaxing and I’m pretty much the only person with whom she’s had an orgasm. Whatever flailing around I was doing was effective, who knew?

Martha graduated from drunk school and surprisingly has returned to drinking heavily. She’s already approached me once, but I was relatively sober and got the hell away. It’s going to happen again, and drunk me is probably not going to be able to walk away like sober me did. I know my limitations. We live in a fairly small city and I’m not hard to find. No way I want to wreck a relationship and I have no interest in a long-term relationship with Martha. On the other hand, there’s little chance Martha and Biff are actually going to get married. Aside from converting to Catholicism, getting a bowl cut, and joining a nearby monastery, I see no way out. Advice, please.
-Joe F.

Oh, come on. That fatalist attitude is just you giving yourself permission to make a bad decision. I understand: I’ve spent plenty of my life horny and drunk, and that’s the hardest possible mindset for turning down sex. But accepting it as inevitability gives you no chance whatsoever.

You have friends, right? Tell them to intervene if they ever see her preying on you. Pretend you’re Tyler Durden and empower them to carry you away no matter what you say. (“You told us you’d say that, sir.”)

Anyway, if you get anything from this week’s mailbag, try not to fuck people you’re not supposed to fuck. It’s seriously not that hard.