FUPK

When last we left professional enlightentologist, Peter King, he was telling us about how the Patriots have lost their way since Scott Pioli’s balls vacated the premises and bestowed glory on the Kansas City Chiefs. He also implied that Johnny Manziel is Ryan Leaf II before saying we shouldn’t make that comparison yet. And once again he decried a conversation he overheard on the Acela only to go to the trouble of transcribing and including the entire thing.

But what about this week? BIG NEWS, EVERYONE! Peter King has debuted his new football-centric website. Haha, did I say football? It’s actually about Peter and how he thinks he thinks he feels he feels. And because it’s his website, he can make it 10 million words long and no one can stop him. READ ON.

OXNARD, Calif. — “Life,’’ Jason Garrett told his team Saturday afternoon, pacing in front of his 90 players, “is about opportunities. The NFL! The Dallas Cowboys! Are you kidding me? Since we were this high we wanted to be here.”

I find myself this morning feeling the same as Garrett.

Bad at your job?

Only I’ve got a different team. It’s called The MMQB, a site under the Sports Illustrated umbrella devoted to all things football, using all the means of modern media to disseminate that football prose and information. Unlike Garrett, I haven’t made a speech to fire up the troops. I don’t have much Lombardi in me anyway, and we’ve been too busy working to bring you a new era of football coverage beginning today. I’ll get back to what you can expect from our newfangled website in a bit.

That’s fair. Good showing of restraint by Peter to get right to the matter of sport. After all, if a “football-centric” website doesn’t actually focus on football, then it’s just a stupid vanity project for a over-indulged shithead writer. And we can’t have that.

First things first:

FOOTBALL!

I’m excited about our first post.

Oh.

I’ve always been intrigued with the speeches coaches make to teams at the start of training camp, in part because I once heard a 1973 tape of Paul Brown’s to his Cincinnati Bengals.

And if it’s interesting to Peter King, then it’s certainly captivating to you, like his regular feature, “Factoid That May Only Be Interest to Me”.

In the spring, I knew we’d be kicking off this new site around the start of NFL camps, and I went in search of a team that might let us not only write about a coach’s first speech of the season to his team, but show video of it.

In our business today, we’ve all got to get wise to video.

Just as you must respect the sun, so too must you respect the video. That’s what all the hep, with-it Internetologists say.

So after some convincing, Dallas owner Jerry Jones gave his blessing, along with coach Jason Garrett.

“You mean you wanna tape that boring Princeton asshole sharing his fancy book words with my bright shining stars? If you want, but you gotta put a Papa John’s logo in the corner.”

And so, on Saturday, in his team meeting room a few long spirals from the Pacific Ocean, Garrett stepped to the front and laid out his hopes, plans, expectations and rules for the new season. To the best of my knowledge, I don’t believe a head coach’s full training-camp speech, the words and video, has ever seen the light of day… until today, in the first post in The MMQB history. We’re proud to bring it to you.

And thank goodness for that. This is a fascinating collection of platitudes and coachspeak.

Choice quotes:

“It’s hard. It’s hard. It’s hard in the National Football League.”

“You’ve gotta have a relentless spirit. You have to overcome obstacles. Those guys who changed the world? There were obstacles, I guarantee it.”

I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to run through a generic brick wall.

Three things I found compelling about Garrett’s presentation:

• Notice how silent it is in the room?

It is legitimately gripping how bored everyone is by this speech.

• The son of a coach talks like a coach, paces like a coach and warns that players had better be able to take coaching.

WOW-WEE, the apple don’t fall too far from the coaching tree, does it? Jason Garrett has the innate sense of coaching cliches that only a shithead coach’s kid can possess. Observe how he spouts meaningless shit about THE COWBOY WAY! There’s no way you can do that unless you experience a lifetime of empty phrases drummed into your head by your dad.

• Ever notice the NFL’s getting more and more careful with every utterance?

I did! I did notice that! Like, several decades ago when I first started watching football and most coaches and players made sure never to reveal anything to the media. And it’s only gotten more so. This was apparent long before watching this speech. In fact, you might say that’s not a revelatory statement at all, but a means of covering for the fact that your big get was a boring speech by a lifeless coach who is likely to get fired by the end of the season.

Garrett wants to keep it that way. With the media, Garrett said, players should be “respectful, brief, boring and humble … Distinguish yourself with your play, not what you say.” My favorite thing of everything Garrett said is about tuning out the distractions that flood every NFL locker room. “Don’t listen to the noise,” he said. “Think Einstein listened to the noise?”

No, and that’s how he came up with the Theory of Grindativity.

“Think Martin Luther King listened to the noise?”

SKIP BAYLESS COULDN’T STOP HIM FROM HAVING A DREAM, DON’T LET HIM STOP YOU.

Our site, and football America, owe Jones and Garrett (and Cowboys PR VP Rich Dalrymple) a debt of thanks for educating fans on the hidden ritual that, this morning, is no longer hidden.

It is a great debt that football America owes Dallas for that soporific bullshit. We will be sure to repay it with favorable coverage come football night in football America.

Today’s a new day for all of us at The MMQB.

So… where to begin.

Call me crazy, but… football?

Let’s start with what The MMQB won’t be.

Interesting. Concise. Unbiased. Informative. A reason not to kill yourself.

We’re not going to cover contracts very much, or day-to-day beat coverage of teams, or things you should continue to read and watch in your local papers and websites.

“We’re not going to be useful. We’ll leave that to useful people.”

We’ll break some but not a lot of news

Goldilocks will sup of our bowl of newsiness and pronounce it “just right”

too many people do too good a job of that right now

None of them being Peter King.

and with a staff of three new full-time writers, I thought we could spend our time to better interpret and enlighten you about the news.

No other site can bring you the NFL from the perspective of Scott Pioli’s balls. You’ll never think about the news the same way again.

We’ll do fantasy football, but not in the kind of exhaustive way that you’d say, “Hey, let’s read King so we can set our lineups this week.”

More of a “hey, let’s read Peter King so I can learn about Allagash, but from a fantasy football perspective.”

We’ll be the thinking person’s site for pro football. If you follow us this season, visit TheMMQB.com three or four times a day between now and the Super Bowl, read our stories, watch our videos and listen to our podcasts … and if after doing that you don’t think you’ve been enlightened about the sport America loves, well, then I should be fired.

The NFL is a hard league to cover, if you’re in the enlightenment business.

Step aside, Dalai Lama. You didn’t get wise to video and now you’re paying the price. Peter King is about to own the enlightenment business.

By the way, two features now up on this thinking man’s site are “Hey, the Patriots have been through bad stuff before and still won games” and “Don’t compare Manti Te’o to Junior Seau even though you had no inclination to do that at all.”

Just listen to Jason Garrett: The less you say the better.

Word count of this column: 8,900.

The media explosion (the league credentialed 841 media people to cover the Scouting Combine — the Scouting Combine! — this year) has cut down and homogenized the information that does get out. Good for the league, bad for us.

Too true, and the only way to battle the explosion of media to create more media with a new website. Consider that information unhomogenized.

So when SI bosses Paul Fichtenbaum and Chris Stone gave me the go-ahead to start site-planning last winter, with the ability to hire three writers, I looked for youth, aggressiveness, diversity, the ability to tell stories insightfully, and a love of football.

And willingness to sign a waiver that says if they talk on the Acela Quiet Car, Peter King is within his rights to slash their throat.

Richard Deitsch, SI’s prescient media columnist, checks in with Ray Lewis’ first extended interview about his ESPN analyst gig today. How, Deitsch wonders, will Lewis react if asked to comment on TV about Aaron Hernandez’s arrest, seeing as how Lewis got arrested for a similarly serious crime in 2000? Said Lewis: “Through the things I have been through, what I learned from that is everybody has something they want to say, and 80 percent of them are illiterate.”

See, that’s a shocking stat about America’s literacy problem you’d never learn on any other site. DO SOMETHING, CONGRESS.

You’ll read real stuff from players here.

Not that fakey fake shit they give to other outlets or put on Twitter.

Ever wonder what it’s like — I mean, really like — to be cut from an NFL team?

What? You thought it was depressing? Do we have news for you: It’s not depressing, it’s REALLY depressing.

We’ve got the best piece I’ve ever read on it coming Thursday, from ex-Jag and current Chief Austen Lane. Last month, outside the last Jacksonville defensive meeting before summer vacation, Lane heard a strange voice call his name. He writes:

It’s an unrecognizable voice. I can’t explain exactly why, but I feel a moment of panic rush over me. I turn around to see one of our scouts. I start to slowly walk as he waves me over. Before I get the chance to say hi, the scout quietly says, ‘Dave needs to see you.’

Dave. David Caldwell, the general manager. Oh my God.

That’s at the heart of what we’ll do—take you places you can’t go, but wished you could.

Or have seen countless times on “Hard Knocks”.

And did I mention Rex Ryan is doing “Ten Things I Think I Think” on Wednesday?

“I THINK BULLS ARE FUCKING SCARY AND WOMEN SHOULD HAVE PUSSIES ON THEIR FEET!”

Inside our shop are three invaluable editors: my right-hand man, Mark Mravic, who has edited my copy at the magazine for the past decade

Hold on. You’re telling me someone HAS been editing this pile of shit all these years?

In the preseason, we’ll have a few new posts a day, including weekends. During the season, it’ll be mostly the same—except we’re still thinking about how to handle weekend coverage. More on that as we know it, including a plan for fantasy football. We’re still deciding how to cover games, which seems odd. But we’re questioning everything. Most weeks, I’ll be in the NBC Studios on Sundays for Football Night in America duties (and I am indebted to my NBC bosses Mark Lazarus and Sam Flood for many things, including their kindness in allowing me to take a couple of Sunday road trips this year), while the rest of the staff will be… well, we’ll see.

Managerial skills, Peter King has them.

One last point: This venture never would happened without the faith and vision of my editorial bosses at the mag, Fichtenbaum and Stone; or without SI publisher Frank Wall and his dedicated sales team. I went on sales trips to 19 companies or agencies with Wall and his ace sales people to see Ad America. A great education, to say the least, and I mean that. The three flagship sponsors who have signed on—Bose, Gillette Deodorant and Microsoft—have been fabulous to work with. It’s a reality of today’s media that when you start a new venture, you need financial help. Those three companies are going to let me be me, with full editorial freedom (obviously) for my team. I’m grateful to have Bose, Gillette Deodorant and Microsoft along for the ride on the first leg of this mysterious adventure.

Yeah, it’s a big risk for an advertiser to give Peter King editorial freedom. He might mention your product too much. EVOSHIELD EVOSHIELD EVOSHIELD EVOSHIELD EVOSHIELD

Hall of Fame Week is near, and there are big plans afoot.

Woah, holy shit, this sounds like a football thing. Nobody say anything or he might start talking about his site some more.

I’m hearing the league is looking into having a second Hall of Fame game — a game that would be played during the regular season to great fanfare, in a move designed to increase interest in the Hall of Fame.

The greatest fanfare. For instance, sepia tones and people trying to talk like John Facenda. It won’t be annoying or pointless at all.

And calling a big regular-season game “The Hall of Fame Game’’ could focus attention on the Hall, particularly if there are programs in the home city of the game designed to spur interest and tourism there.

My idea? Get a traveling collection of leather helmets and the like, and find a good museum in New York to house the display during Super Bowl week this year. Maybe you’d get people to say, “I’ve never been to the Hall. I’ve got to go.”

Maybe you’ll get them to say, “That looks cool. Too bad the rest of it is in godforsaken Ohio.”

I have a vested interest; I’m a Hall voter

He enlightens history.

If the regular-season game works as a concept, along with the attendant network and media promotion of the game, I say why not?

Sage advice. If you somehow happen to know in advance that a concept works, you’d be foolish to decline. Name five things more enlightening. You can’t.

Getting to know you.

Sports Illustrated managing editor Chris Stone, I am happy to report

BREAKING NEWS

allowed me to sign my top three draft choices earlier this year as the writers for The MMQB.

I wish websites did have drafts for writers. I’d fire my agent when I didn’t get picked in the first round.

Anyway, back to endless shit not about football.

I wanted to let you see a glimpse into each of the three correspondents for The MMQB. So I asked them: How’d you figure out you wanted to be a writer?

OH MY GOD, I DON’T FUCKING CARE. THIS IS WHAT WEBSITE BIOS ARE FOR. NOT EVERYTHING ON THE SITE GOES IN ONE FUCKING COLUMN. THIS IS WHY IT’S A SITE. WHY ARE YOU TERRIBLE AT EVERYTHING?

Me?

“Well, I wasn’t going to say anything about MEEEEEEEEEE, but since I had you ask rhetorically, here goes…”

Well, I got incredibly lucky.

No shit.

We lived in northern Connecticut, halfway between New York and Boston, and my father was a big newspaper reader. He’d buy four or five newspapers on both Saturday and Sunday, and I’d devour the sports sections. If I couldn’t grow up and play left field for the Red Sox, well, maybe I could write about them.

And you did. In a football column, no less.

When I was in fifth grade, I wrote a one-sheet neighborhood newsletter in the summer every couple weeks.

“EXTREE! EXTREE! READ ALL ABOUT IT! NEIGHBORHOOD ASSOCIATION PRESIDENT FOUND HUNKY BY ALL! IT’S ALL THE NEWS I THINK I THINK!”

Following me and The MMQB around this great land this summer.

It’s that time of year—time for my annual training-camp trip. Snapshots of my journey over the next five weeks, first by air and then by the Go RVing-sponsored recreational vehicle that will ferry Team MMQB to camps east of the Mississippi well into August (and this is a tentative list, because news events could make me change the itinerary):

Ooh, no EVOShield this year? Looks like it’s 600 mentions of Go RVing shoehorned into columns this August.

Broncos (July 25, Denver) The simplistic angle is the best angle: Manning to Welker.

Truly the thinking man’s site.

Patriots (night stadium practice, July 29, Foxboro, Mass.) As crazy as it sounds, by the time I roll into Foxboro, the Aaron Hernandez story will be talked out.

Oh yeah. No one is gonna care who Aaron Hernandez is a week from now. Book it.

What won’t be is who Tom Brady uses instead. A lesser tight end, maybe Daniel Fells or UFA Zach Sudfeld? A drafted wideout, maybe Aaron Dobson (Marshall, round two) or Josh Boyce (TCU, round four)? A running back with versatility like Shane Vereen? We shall see.

We shall. You interpreted and enlightened that situation real good. I didn’t think we would see, but shows what I know.

Bills (July 30, Pittsford, N.Y.) I think I’m the only scribe who thinks Doug Marrone could change the Bills as much as Chip Kelly changes the Eagles. Looking forward to seeing his offense, and his approach.

No other writer has to guts to hedge his bets on a statement like Peter King.

Steelers (Aug. 2, Latrobe, Pa.) For years, I’ve wanted to experience the tradition of the Steelers rolling up to Latrobe High, fully dressed in football togs, in yellow school buses. Friday night lights, one of the players’ favorite days of the summer. This year, I’ll see it.

Good for you. You don’t get what you want nearly enough.

Wild-card day (Aug. 3) Either at Pro Football Hall of Fame enshrinement or a vegging/writing day at home in Manhattan.

RINGING ENDORSEMENT FOR THE HALL OF FAME.

“I could go to the Hall, or I could sit around in my jammies and rewatch reruns of ‘Veep’ Either way, I guess.”

Vikings (Aug. 12, Mankato, Minn.) Mostly I’m looking forward to Adrian Peterson’s annual handshake. It hurts. But this year, I’ve got a secret plan for him. (Don’t tell him.)

I’ll never let it slip that you plan to kick him in the nuts and run away. [WINK WINK]

One other note about our site …

face

See the photo on the front of The MMQB this morning? Lovely, isn’t it? SI’s Todd Rosenberg took it Saturday morning just after dawn, as the dew covered the field at Lomira (Wisc.) High School. I’ve worked with Rosenberg, who lives in Chicago, at the Scouting Combine for several years—the guy’s really good—and I called him last week, asking if he could find a good photo of the sun rising over a midwestern football field … preferably through a pair of goalposts.

HOLY SHIT. I DON’T NEED THE STORY OF EVERY FUCKING EDITORIAL DECISION YOU MADE.

“Here’s a thousand words on how we chose the style of our drop-down tabs…”

Rosenberg went to Lake Forest (Ill.) College one pre-dawn morning last week. Locked. He went to Lake Forest Academy. That didn’t work. Wrong angle. “I’m going up to Wisconsin over the weekend,” he told me. “Let me try to get something there.”

RIVETING.

Stat of the Week

Promissory note about the first seven days of The MMQB: We’ll write something—a story, some column notes, an interview, video, or something else—on every one of the 32 teams.

PROMISSORY NOTE OF THE WEEK

And I’ll be more egalitarian about coverage than I normally am with the regular Monday Morning Quarterback column. Andy DeGory of The MMQB tallied up how many words I wrote in the news sections of my first 23 Monday columns (not including things like Quotes and Tweets of the Week) of this year, and it brought home how I’ve got to do a better job covering all the teams.

You made your underling go through all your columns and count the words you dedicated to each team? Jesus, you’re a fucking monster.

I’ve written approximately 91,220 football words in my dispatches—only 129 about Miami, 192 about Dallas, 370 about Houston, 501 about Tennessee, 553 about the Giants, 622 about Carolina, 628 about Cincinnati, 738 about Kansas City, 948 about Pittsburgh and 952 about New Orleans. Those are the teams I’ve short-shrifted.

Conversely, there have been 13,740 words on the Ravens, 7,346 on the Niners (figures; they were in the Super Bowl), 5,044 on New England, 4,545 on the Jets, 4,444 on Oakland and 4,163 on St. Louis.

Watch our site, and call me on it if your team isn’t being covered. I’ll listen.

Or I’ll have my intern listen and compile your comments into an easy to interpret graphic that I can enlighten you with.

Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me

I think it interests Bill Parcells too.

In April, Parcells had his left shoulder replaced. (The damage in the shoulder dated back to an old football injury.) At the time of the surgery, good friend Sean Payton called him.

“I’m sending you something,” Payton said.

“No! Don’t send me anything,” Parcells said.

“No, I’m sending you something. Don’t worry about it,” said Payton.

Via overnight delivery, a large box arrived for Parcells. Inside was the Game Ready Injury Treatment System, a gizmo that combines intermittent compression and cold therapy in the same durable sleeve, attached to a portable generator. Players in all sports use Game Ready to hasten recovery time—and it’s even used on horses. Parcells learned the mechanics of the device and began using it on his shoulder. Approximate cost of Game Ready: $4,700.

“That thing is good,” said Parcells, who is still a month or so away from getting back on the golf course in Saratoga with his friend Dan Henning, a fellow summer Saratogan.”It’s really helped my rehab.”

Sean Payton: pretty good friend right there.

Game Ready: pretty good potential sponsor right there.

Mr. Starwood Preferred Member Travel Note of the Week

This Week’s Sign We Have Officially Gone Off Our Rocker As a Society I:

A 20-ounce bottle of smartwater at JFK International Airport costs $3.99. Smartwater, according to the ingredients, is “vapor-distilled water.” In other words, water.

Way to blow off the lid of the scams perpetuated by BIG AQUA.

This Week’s Sign We Have Officially Gone Off Our Rocker As a Society II:

I bought the water.

BIG AQUA claims another. The millionaires are always hit the hardest by their deceit.

That was, of course, before the 30ish woman in the center seat next to me on the 5-hour, 10-minute flight to Los Angeles Friday sat down, said hello, took out a case of about 30 foam curlers, and began brushing her shoulder-blade-length hair and rolling it up with the curlers. The whole process took about 30 minutes.

Really: Who does that?

More importantly, who starts a sentence with “really” followed by a colon?

I got brushed by flying hair only twice during the entire process, so I guess it wasn’t that bad.

If it was actually bad, we would have a 3,000-word blow-by-blow account of the curling fiasco.

Tweets of the Week

I “We are who we are. Sports don’t make us smarter.”

— Nate Newton, a veteran of both the Dallas Cowboys and prison, to @AlbertBreer of NFL Network, on the lessons from the Aaron Hernandez story.

Sounds like someone isn’t getting their sports from enlightenologist Peter King. Wise up, Nate Newton.

II “Peter King just uttered the phrase, ‘I’m in this’ while explaining why he thinks he can be the foreign policy Republican candidate.”

—@chucktodd, the White House correspondent for NBC and MSNBC political show host.

I flatly deny that, Chuck.

Oh. You mean the other Peter King. Got it.

DURR HURR HURR

Ten Things I Think I Think

2. I think the birth of the week in the NFL (you mean someone actually keeps track of such things?)

(Sure, it’s a member of your staff and he hates his life)

is Kamryn Olivia Buchler, six pounds, two ounces, born Wednesday at 9:58 p.m. PT in Los Angeles to parents Amber Theoharis and Todd Buchler. And here’s the rest of the story: Theoharis was due to have her second child by C-section Aug. 12, and so she arranged with her NFL Network bosses that this past Friday, July 19, would be her last day at work. Theoharis is an NFL Total Access host (that’s NFLNet’s nightly news wrapup show, airing from 7-8 ET, 4-5 PT). Wednesday was a normal day. Theoharis wrote her script for the show, had her makeup put on, and walked out to the set at about 3:55 p.m. That’s when she began feeling queasy.

“I’m not feeling great,” she told set partners Willie McGinest and Warren Sapp. During the first long break in the show, around 4:15 PT, she texted her friend, senior coordinating producer Ronit Larone, and said she was having the same feeling she had when she gave birth to her first child, Dylan, two and a half years ago. “I jumped out of my chair,” said Larone, “and got over to the set. Amber was chill. As calm as can be. I said, ‘Come on. Let’s go. And she said, ‘What are you talking about? I’m staying. Todd’s on his way.’ Larone pressed the issue, but Theoharis insisted she could make it through the show—and since her husband wasn’t there yet, and he was the driver, and Theoharis seemed certain—she stayed on the air. Whisked by her husband to the hospital (and still in full makeup), Theoharis found time to text Larone during the drive, “I might not be coming in tomorrow.” That’s because you are going to have a baby tonight, girl. The doctor told her upon arrival: “You’re in labor.” Less than four hours later, here came the family’s second child. I’m just wondering if Theoharis can teach a Concentration 101 class.

That’d actually be a pretty fun class to teach. You put a dot on an overhead projector then walk around blasting an airhorn in the ears of your students to see if their focus lapses. “You winced! Automatic fail!”

5. I think Johnny Manziel can have all the smart, well-spoken and well-handled press conferences he wants.

Just one of the many rights our forefathers fought for.

But it’s not the media he has to convince that he’s a hard-working guy who isn’t over-sowing his wild oats. There’s a short list of people he must convince: Cleveland president Joe Banner, GM Mike Lombardi and coach Rob Chudzinski, Jacksonville GM David Caldwell and coach Gus Bradley, Oakland GM Reggie McKenzie, and, well, you get the picture. Manziel’s job now will be to not let any more 2:03 a.m. bar photos get on Twitter, and his job next spring will be to convince teams he’s more quarterback than party boy.

Nice try, Ryan Leaf II. But until further notice from GMs who don’t speak publicly, you’re not Johnny Football, you’re Johnny DRINK-FIRST PARTY BOY.

9. I think you wouldn’t think of the Cowboys as a team that’s been totally made over. But from the day Jason Garrett took over as head coach 40 games ago, there’s been a pretty good makeover: Only 17 of the 90 players who began practicing for the new season Sunday were Cowboys when Garrett coached his first game in mid-2010.

That’s right. Half of those players who are gonna be cut in a few weeks weren’t there in the middle of the season two years ago. Total organizational facelift.

10. I think these are my non-football thoughts of the week:

c. My cool, memorable, only-in-New York highlight of the week: We are huge Curb Your Enthusiasm fans, and my wife got us tickets to see the new improv-type movie starring and directed by Jeff Garlin, the agent-to-Larry in Curb. So we went to the movie, Dealin’ With Idiots, about a crazy group of youth baseball parents and crazier coaches. Afterward, we learned when we arrived at the theater, Garlin would be taking questions from the audience about the movie. Fun! The movie is fun, and for those who like unscripted comedy riffing, a la Curb, you should find this one. The ending was a hilarious outtake of a field caretaker trying to measure the distance between the pitching rubber and home plate using an uncooperative tape measure. I have a kind of howling laughter with humor like that. So when Garlin took the stage to talk, the first thing he said was, “Who’s the guy with the tremendous laugh?” I raised my hand. Guilty as charged.

/chugs Drano

d. Bonus: I got to meet Garlin and his co-star in the movie, J.B. Smoove, who was on hand. And if you remember the greatest love-advice scene in the history of Curb, you’ll know J.B. Smoove very, very well.

Or the 20 other episodes he’s been in during the series.

f. I give you permission to sign Dustin Pedroia for a ridiculous sum of money, Red Sox.

It’s okay, everyone. He’s just living out his boyhood dream of being a shithead Red Sox fan.

g. How great was that Mariano Rivera moment in the All-Star Game? Nobody doesn’t like Mariano Rivera.

h. This will be the first time in column history I’ve been nice to the Yankees in two consecutive notes, but it’s damn sad watching Derek Jeter unable to get and stay healthy.

This is the thinking man’s off-topic bullshit.

Thanks, baseball talk. I’m almost missing the protracted stories about meeting with editors.

l. In the TV world I follow, this would qualify as a “Wow”: Keith Olbermann and Nate Silver together on Olbermann’s new ESPN2 show, as the New York Times reports is likely. I’ll be watching that. Silver leaving the New York Times … bummer.

It’s not just the enlightenment biz that PK knows, he’s also in deep in the TV game. This is big haps in the TV world, kids. He’s just sharing his insider tips.

m. Coffeenerdness: Belated thanks to Continental Coffee, the family coffee shop on Commercial Street in Vancouver. The place not only makes a tremendous latte with very strong espresso; the signature atop the foam is a picture of a leaf. So nice you don’t even want to drink it.

Only a dipshit coffee snob would utter some fuckwittery like that. “OOOOHHHOOOOH, the foam artistry. I mustn’t ruin it, but oh, the caffeine addiction insists. Apologies, dear leafy.”

n. Beernerdness: So my favorite white beer, Allagash, of Maine, has had an expansion project up at the brewery in Portland, which is good to hear. The business is growing by about 40% a year. Found it amazing on my Pacific Northwest vacation to have seen it on tap in two different Seattle places. Can’t keep a great beer down.

So true. Poor Allagash is the gritty underdog of beers that The Man is trying to keep from getting its due. Either that, or Peter King thinks a beer is only great if he vomits.

o. I’m not down on The Newsroom. I want to be clear about that. But I think I’ve figured out why I like Aaron Sorkin’s shows but don’t love them. The dialogue’s too perfect.

IT’S THE FOAM LEAF OF PREMIUM CABLE.

Ever notice in The Newsroom that one perfect line flows after another, like one character isn’t listening to what the other is saying and is just intent on getting out his/her line, usually in a hurry?

Yes, because Sorkin just uses his characters as a vehicle to rant about whatever is one his old rich white liberal mind, kind of like what you do with this column. Though calling his lines “perfect” is pretty hilarious.

But the story’s good, and I’m watching.

Honestly, there’s no better pairing than Peter King and “The Newsroom”. It’s like the show was written specifically for him. It’s that awful and indulgent.

p. Speaking of Olivia Munn, she’ll be in The MMQB on Wednesday. No spoilers, though.

S’ok, I already saw her tits in Magic Mike.

r. RIP, Helen Thomas, an inspiration to anyone who ever wanted to write politics.

Unless they were conservative.

s. Golf is foreign to me, but great sporting accomplishments are not. Congrats, Phil Mickelson. A 66 in the clutch at Muirfield? Tremendous.

An enlightened man salutes all accomplishments. ESPECIALLY those that he has no grasp of.

The Adieu Haiku

Thanks, all, for reading.
You’re the reason this site lives.
Should be a wild ride.

I read the whole thing
Do not ask me how or why
Just know I am dead