Last year: 13-3, AFC West champions, lost in Divisional Round
Acquisitions: Wes Welker, Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, Shaun Phillips, Montee Ball, Sylvester Williams
Departures: Elvis Dumervil, Tracy Porter, Willis McGahee, D.J. Williams, Dan Koppen (injury)
Vegas 2013 win total over/under: 11 1/2 wins
Five new positions in the Broncos front office:
- Director of drunk personnel
- Director of vehicle key acquisition
- Director of BAC affairs
- Director of organizing team functions at a place we can all crash for the night
- Director of repeating “stay sober or get pulled over” (formerly: Director of beer runs)
Fan forecast, by food humorist Spilly:
The Denver Broncos are the standard pick to reach and win the Super Bowl. This ensures the Bronco fan one of two outcomes:
First, they make it, win, and the season is merely a procedural coronation. This is boring for everyone except us. No one likes seeing the favored team win it all. Did anyone outside of Florida want to see the Heat win the NBA Finals this year? God, no. Sure, you can have a late season collapse and get a bit of that underdog status that people like; but for all intents and purposes, a Broncos Super Bowl win is a Rick Reilly pass to spew essays of prognostic autofellatio.
Second, and likely preferable to the vast majority of fans: They lose in the playoffs because Rahim Moore spontaneously combusts and his severed, flying limb is flagged for pass interference on a crucial late game play. (This is still considered a decent consolation prize for Broncos fans and preferable to last year).
No one likes a favorite, and while it’s hard to write about one without coming off like an elitist asshole, I’ll try my best. Yes, Peyton Manning is good! Really good! I am excited that he did not break in half like a cheap bootleg GoBot last year and that the Foggy Cloud of Tebow has been lifted from the minds of Broncos fans! We also now have Wes Welker, who replaces Brandon Stokley in the slot to take up the mantle of White Person Who Gets Absolutely Creamed on Crossing Routes. DT and Eric Decker have an entire year to post #BlackAndDecker on Twitter until they’re both taken out in a bizarre yet appropriate hedge trimming accident by Week 6. Noted fumbler and knee ligament perforation enthusiast Knowshon Moreno is somehow still on the team, but has been bumped further down by new back Monte Ball and slightly less new Ronnie Hillman. Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie was brought in to shore up the corner position. Trindon Holliday is still giving hope to tiny people everywhere. These are all very good things!
Of course, all is not sunshine in Broncoland, or Broncos Country, or whatever we’re supposed to call it now. Champ Bailey is old enough to take up residence on top of a mountain and dispense vague proverbial advice. Our front office is throwing a collective rager at all hours, topped off by exhilarating games of automobile bowling into cop cars. Every single person who can snap a ball to Peyton Manning is injured and we’re only a week into training camp. Von Miller may be out the first few games due to…well, we’re not sure. First we thought PEDs, then it was pot, but now it’s some sort procedural drug violation? He’ll probably miss the Ravens and Giants games, at least.
Ah yes, the Ravens, and more importantly, Elvis Dumervil. A cynical Broncos offseason recap would not be complete without noting how a sack leader and pass rusher in his prime – a position the Broncos have coveted for years – got away from them because of an outdated piece of office equipment. If the stories are to be believed, Elvis decided to try and fax his contract back from a South Florida Kinkos. I’m sure a strip mall copy shop has the most up to date and functional technology suitable for multi-million dollar deals. Next time, he’ll use the machine in the Dade County Public Library before he runs out of time chasing the librarian with the copy key.
On to the predictions! Even with the various offseason changes, the Broncos still probably take the AFC West, get a 3 seed, and promptly succumb to Postseason Manningderp in the divisional round. It will be against some trendy upstart team (Colts!). Then the season will end, Manning will retire due to altitude limiting oxygen flow to his zeppelinic cranium, and THE OSWEILING (translation: “The Tall One shall lead us to 8 wins”) will begin.
Or we win the Super Bowl and you get the worst Woody Paige article of all time.
I want more like this!
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