Cantaloupes

When it comes to debates about food, you can usually find someone to staunchly defend just about anything. And that’s fine. Taste is largely subjective and often varies greatly among even just a few people. But there is one subject about which I will brook no dissent: that cantaloupe is awful and disgusting.

To be honest, I’m not a big fan of the entire melon catalog. People think I’m weird that I don’t like watermelon. I will concede that I am weird for not liking watermelon. People don’t just like watermelon. They love it. I feel like I’m missing out on a big party by not liking it. Now that it’s almost summer, it becomes even more apparent. I’ll be at a cookout and someone will excitedly announce that someone brought watermelon. Eventually it gets to the point that I have to decline it and someone gives me a look like I just announced I’m into goat porn. It’s brutal.

The thing is, I love artificially flavored watermelon things. Watermelon Jolly Ranchers? THE BEST JOLLY RANCHER! Watermelon gum? THE BEST GUM! The list goes on. But actual watermelon? Eh, no thanks. I don’t get it and it kind of confounds me. I want to like watermelon and I just can’t do it.

But cantaloupe? Fuck cantaloupe. I know I’m in the right on this one. Cantaloupe serves no purpose other than to ruin fruit salads. I could feed entire third-world countries on the amount of cantaloupe I’ve picked out of fruit salads, along with the stuff that was compromised because it came in contact with disgusting cantaloupe juices. Sorry, I can’t take any chance that my mouth might be contaminated with cantaloupe taste.

Are there any cantaloupe-flavored things? Candy? Ice cream? Yogurt? ANYTHING? No, because no one wants to have to experience any more cantaloupe than they have to. And almost any fruit you can think of gets its flavor replicated by science in the service of making things tasty. But not cantaloupe, because cantaloupe is awful. “Sure,” you say, “but what about honeydew? There are no honeydew flavored things.” To this, I answer: Whatever. I ain’t too crazy about honeydew, either.

And yes, I do have a bad formative experience with cantaloupe. Back when I was in first grade, my sister and I used to have to go over to a neighbor’s house after school until our parents got home from work because we’d probably burn our own house down if left by ourselves. One day, the mother thought it was a good idea to give all the kids an afternoon snack of ice cream with cantaloupe. Even then I knew I hated the demon fruit. But there was ice cream involved. I couldn’t say no. So I ate the shit out of the ice cream and didn’t touch any of the cantaloupe. This made the mother furious. She yelled at me for a solid minute and then forced me to eat all the cantaloupe while she sat there and watched. I choked down maybe two or three bites before I threw up all over her carpet. THAT’LL TEACH YOU TO GIVE ME CANTALOUPE, LADY.

It’s not like I’m allergic. It’s just that cantaloupe is that gross. Some people might read this and think, “Wow, this is a lot of hate to direct at cantaloupe.” Well, some people need to wake the fuck up and realize what’s truly wretched in this world and that thing is cantaloupe.

Fuck you, cantaloupe. You are less food than EDIBLE POISON.