lol ok

Hello from Green Bay, friends. This week’s mailbag is published from the road, where I’m en route from Chicago to visit relatives in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. It’s a seven-hour a drive with my wife, which is a nice test of patience for both of us. Depending on which one of us is hungry or bored or pissed off by Illinois’s bitch-ass toll roads that charge $1.90 in COINS ONLY AND DON’T HAVE TOLL BOOTH COLLECTORS, we’ve been trading off quietly seething, eating some snacks, and apologizing for our bad moods. LOVE YOU, HONEY!

Because of the travel, today’s mailbag is slightly abbreviated (about one letter less than usual, word-count-wise), but everybody chipped in with pictures of attractive women, so we’ve got that going for us. On to your emails:

CC,
This is year 2 of a keeper league and prior to last season I had never participated in one before. It’s obviously early, and I may re-submit this question after week 3 of the preseason, but I’d like your expert input on which 3 keepers you think would best serve my title defense next season.
- Purple Jesus for a 1st round pick (12 overall)
- Dez for a 3rd round pick (36 overall)
- Reggie Bush for a 5th round pick (60 overall)
- David Wilson for a 7th round pick (84 overall)
- Flacco for an 8th round pick (85 overall)
- Randall Cobb for a 10th round pick (109 overall)
- Vick Ballard/Dennis Pitta for a 15th round pick (170th overall)

I apologize for the ridiculous number of options, but this will be my first keeper draft and I’m trying to gauge where to place my emphasis of keepers versus who to draft.

I’d keep Peterson, Dez, and Wilson (who I think is going to explode with a big season) — although the value and upside for Randall Cobb in the 10th is damn tempting. With Gregg Jennings gone, Cobb could have a breakout year. Hmmmm… maybe I’d go with Dez, Wilson, and Cobb, and use the first round to target a premium QB? Of course, Peterson at 12 overall is a steal, so… dammit, I can’t decide.

This much I know: nobody wants Flacco.

As penance, please accept this old school picture of the beautiful Kylie Minogue.

Much obliged.
–Le Chez

Wow, you managed to find a tiny picture that is also somehow low-resolution. I appreciate this. It must have taken forever to download with dial-up.

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Dear KSK,
Hey what do you know, I applied the patented post-breakup Ufford advice and it worked. I spent about a solid year actually working hard on improving myself in a number of ways, and since then I’ve had some amazing luck with women, and just generally a great past year… year and a half. I went from awkward and rude early 20something to a reasonable contributing member of society. Yay!

This is everything I can hope for from a mailbag reader. Bravo, sir.

Things were great! Not only was I regularly sleeping with women I wasn’t feeling awful about myself all the time! Promotions, weight loss, social growth! And then I met her. She was in town for a conference, we met while I went to a local bar for lunch, and then later on I took her out for some drinks around town.

The thing is… she told me before we went out that night she was “attached.” She was interesting enough during the lunch that I opted to still hang out with her platonically, and well… nothing happened… sexually. But the connection was undeniable. Within the first hour a total stranger walking by our table made several comments along the lines of “helloooo lovers” and then despite our protests, came over and told us how amazing we seem together.

“Knock it off, weirdo. We’re not into threesomes.”

And there is no denying how amazing she is. She is a researcher in the scientific field that captured my imagination as a youth (and not much did academically). She is from the same country as my parents, and I know if my mum ever heard her accent she’d just… die. Oh, and she also did some “modeling work” on a well respected website that got me through some awkward teenage years.

Wait, why is “modeling work” in quotes? If you just said modeling work, I’d think it was just modeling work. But putting it in quotes makes me think it’s porny or at least nude.

Listen, pal. This mailbag’s anonymous. I’m not going to go find her pictures and post them. So if she modeled for Playboy or whatever, just say so. Don’t be coy.

If it wasn’t for the fact that we didn’t have sex, I’d think she was a hooker my friends hired and created the most elaborate backstory for.

AKA the best kind of hookers.

And that’s basically the problem. She’s so amazing, I am clinging to the idea of somehow keeping her in my life, even if it’s not on the terms I’d like. But even though she left, and physically we kept everything platonic, simply put… we have crossed the rubicon of emotional cheating. We’ve expressed our feelings to each other. She told a friend that I am like “a light being turned on inside her”, and just… yeah. Bad shit. Am I nuts? I realize how utterly foolish the idea of clinging to someone so unavailable but… I’ve never met anyone more amazing in my life and I want to hang on to whatever shred of her I can, even if it’s not on the terms I want… ya know? I’ve discussed it with close friends of both genders, and they both say cut it off. Her friends say the same thing.

So what am I to do? Do I just trust that this is one of those “right person, wrong time” type of situations and keep trying till I find someone else that amazing? When I got back to my apartment that night I kept thinking “next time I connect with someone like that, I think it’ll be for the last time” but it just seems so awful to just let everything slip away. Then again maybe it’s just a combination of factors, Maybe I’ve finally recovered emotionally from my heroin addicted ex.

Now THERE’S a story that would be good for the mailbag. Way to bury the lede.

Maybe she’s scared of what her engagement (yes… I know) brings for the future. Maybe the distance and instant connection has blinded us each of glaring flaws that would be more obvious if we were closer together. I don’t know… this sucks man. I know what I need to do, I guess I’m just looking to hear it from an authority on the matter to just say it. Thanks

Well, what does “attached” mean? Is she “attached” to a husband and three kids? Or is she attached to a dickhead boyfriend? How can you write such a long fucking email and not include vital details like the nature of her relationship? Goddammit, man! Throw me a bone here.

So, fine, I’ll just do extra work because you can’t be specific. If she “merely” has a boyfriend, there’s still a play to be made, and that play is “move on.” Don’t always be available to her. Let her texts or emails go unanswered for days at a time. Focus on dating other people. If the “hard-to-get” thing works, she’ll fear losing you forever and ditch her boyfriend to make a play for you. If not, great news! You’re already moving on and dating other people.

If she’s married or engaged, then wash your hands and move on. There are BILLIONS of other women on the planet, and it’s not worth wasting your time with someone where the best-case scenario is breaking up a marriage (and the more likely one is a years-long tease that makes her feel good about being desired). As a good friend of mine says: “All women are evil. Some just don’t realize it.”

PS. because I failed to deliver on the goods of sex or fantasy football, here is a picture of Scarlett Johansson that is easy to find with a simple google search of her name. Yes I’m that lazy. Yes I’ve been watching “Lost in Translation” too much.

scarjo

See!?!? Simple Google search, Kylie Minogue fan! It’s not hard to find a sexy picture larger than 250 pixels across.

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Dearest of Cavemen (or whoever’s covering this week):
I am in a keeper quandary. I’m in a PPR league with 6 points for any touchdown (-3 for INTs though). I can keep three of these four by giving up the pick indicated:

Calvin Johnson (1st Rounder)
Matt Ryan (2nd Rounder)
Jamaal Charles (2nd Rounder)
Percival Harvin (19th Rounder- someone got frustrated and waived him…heheh)

My inclination is to say Calvin and Harvin. I am having trouble deciding between Charles and Ryan, given the scoring format and my dark feelings about KC’s offense. Any thoughts?

Concur that Johnson and Harvin are the first two you should target.

I feel good about the Chiefs being a LOT better this year. Same weapons in Bowe and Charles, but with a better quarterback, better O-line, and better coach whose focus is offense. Add that to reports that Charles is faster and stronger one year removed from that ACL tear (and still in his prime), and I think he’s primed for a great year.

Matt Ryan’s going to be great, too, of course, but I think you’re more likely to get a QB of similar value for a second-rounder than you are a RB of Charles’s value.

Sex/relationships: My girlfriend (soon to be fiancee) has been overseas for work for two months, returning next week. It turns out that Step Three of the Ufford Post Breakup Regimen (self-improvement) actually works to ease temporary Long Distance Relationships (although the heavy drinking portion of Step Two is also good for about a week) so thank you. To atone for my lack of anal-sex questions, please accept my offering of Gemma Arterton, criminally-underused Bond Girl and fine actress.

Warmest Regards,
Satan’s Dry Cleaner

A fine actress who was in Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters, Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time, and Clash of the Titans.

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Dear Gentlemen of humor,
I’ve been reading this site a long time, going on maybe 5 years at least. I have to say that KSK fits a need in my life, and that is unapologetic awesome put it out there crazy shit. My wife doesn’t see the humor in your brilliant turns of phrase, but I do, and for that, I thank you all.

You’re too kind. And your wife has excellent taste in men.

Speaking of women, I recently got married, and vacationed in the Caribbean. Take note: if you travel to the third world (and the Dominican Republic is that), know that resort gift shops sell prescription drugs without prescriptions!

That’s right! All the drugs without any of the quality control provided by the FDA! You can get Viagra that’s at LEAST half strength and probably not laced with strychnine!

During our lovely trip, my new wife and I had a scene in our private pool that was pretty amazing. I said all that was missing was a camera and we coulda been making a porno. I was joking of course, but she actually appeared interested. So I am trying to figure out if she was seriously interested, or if it was like, you know, pillow talk that kinda doesn’t mean anything. If so, then the question becomes, would I really make a tape? Part of me thinks it’d be horrible (and embarrassing if ever found),

Found by whom? Your future kids? Hackers?

but part of me likes the idea. Do you have any advice on how to walk that line between doing something crazy sexy but with large potential for blowback?

I think you’re overestimating the risk here. You’re newlyweds, go ahead and make a sex tape if your wife’s down with it. The only risk for other people seeing it is if you leave it on your phone or laptop, so be sure to burn it onto a disc and delete it from your devices. You and your wife can pop it in, watch it together, and have sex while watching yourselves have sex. That’s the way Beyoncé does it (probably).

Also, i missed the draft last week on dating a rockstar for a year, but I have come across this lovely lady on youtube, and I think she’d make the top 10: Sexy, has a voice that is very much a turn-on, and Brazilian!

Here’s some pics, but youtube her (Paula Fernandes) and it’s better.

Thanks,
Is It Football time yet?

So… you know we can embed video on websites, right? On your recommendation, I went to YouTube and pulled a couple of Paula’s videos. And yes, she’s very pretty, but honestly: I’m disappointed.

As I said above, she’s very pretty. And as you said, she has a nice voice. But when you’re selling me on a sexy Brazilian musician, I 100% expect tight shorts and a booty that claps. Like a sexier version of Shakira, you know? Don’t tell me that a sexy Brazilian’s videos are better than photos of her if the videos are just her in a loose dress playing a guitar. You pump-faked me into expecting ass cheeks that rotate independently of each other like an eggbeater. Not cool, bro.