grudentalk

Jon: WELCOME BACK TO GRUDEN TALK, THE TALK SHOW WHERE WE DISCUSS THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUES OF THE DAY.  BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS, DID YOU SEE THAT THE NSA HAS BEEN SPYING ON YOUR EMAILS.

hermband

Herm: I HOPE THEY DON’T FIND THE EMAILS I’VE BEEN SENDING TO THE BABYSITTER.

Jon: AND I HOPE THEY DON’T FIND OUT I’VE BEEN GOING TO HOOTERS GIRL UPSKIRT CAMS.  LAST WEEK THE WRITER OF THE WIRE, DAVID SIMON, WROTE ABOUT HOW THIS ISN’T A BIG DEAL SO WE’RE HAPPY TO WELCOME HIM TO GRUDEN TALK.  DAVID, HOW YA DOIN’?

David: Glad to be anywhere other than Jason Whitlock’s Twitter background.

Jon: I HEAR YA, WHITLOCK DOES NOT HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A PULITZER CHAMPION IF HE’S GOTTA COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT GETTING ONE.

Herm: HE’LL NEVER BE AS GOOD AS RALPH WILEY.

David: Anyway, enough about that hack.  The point of my article is that the government is not targeting anyone, rather they are collecting reams of metadata that they may use once they have probable cause to search it directly.

Jon: I HEAR YA, INFORMATION GATHERING IS OF UTMOST IMPORTANCE.  THE NSA IS JUST WATCHING TAPE 100 HOURS A WEEK.  AND THAT MAKES THEM GRUDEN GRINDERS.

David: It’s pretty naive to think that the NSA wouldn’t do something like this – Congress authorized them to collect this data and they can’t search it without a warrant anyway.

Jon: I HEAR YA, THAT EDWARD SNOWDEN IS JUST MAKING A BIG DEAL OUT OF NOTHING, LIKE THE SAINTS BOUNTY SCANDAL.  EXCEPT SEAN PAYTON DIDN’T RUN OFF TO HONG KONG.

Herm: SEAN PAYTON JUST STAYED IN DALLAS AND BANGED LONELY HOUSEWIVES.

David: And I can’t be the only one who finds it a little troubling that he decided to seek asylum in Hong Kong.  China still pulls the strings there and they’ve been winning the intelligence war against us ever since the Hainan incident.

Jon: WELL THE US JUST NEEDS TO CHANGE ITS AUDIBLES, LEARN THE LESSON THAT BILL CALLAHAN LEARNED IN SUPER BOWL XXXVI.

Herm: GEORGE W. BUSH WAS AMERICA’S BILL CALLAHAN.

David: Ummm, well, it is still a little concerning that we could have another Robert Hanssen  on our hands. Snowden could become a valuable Chinese resource.

Jon: I HEAR YA, CAN’T LET YOUR ENEMIES GET A HOLD OF YOUR SECRETS.  THAT’S WHY I LOJACKED EVERY PLAYBOOK I GAVE OUT.  YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MANY TIMES I HAD TO PICK SAPP’S UP FROM A PAWN SHOP.

Herm: I DIDN’T MIND BECAUSE EVEN MARTY SCHOTTENHEIMER COULD FIGURE OUT WHAT PLAYS I’D BE CALLING.

David: Regardless, Edward Snowden is not a civil libertarian hero.  Rather he’s a poorly-educated tech geek who either fundamentally misunderstands the NSA’s mission or is in the pocket of Chinese.

Jon: JUST BECAUSE A GUY’S POORLY EDUCATED DOESN’T MEAN HE’S A FAILURE.  CADILLAC WILLIAMS WENT TO AUBURN BUT HE STILL HAS THE MENTALITY TO SUCCEED ON THE FIELD OF PLAY.

Herm: EDWARD SNOWDEN COULDN’T HACK IT AT UNIVERSITY OF MARYLAND BUT SHAWNE MERRIMAN COULD.

David: I’m afraid I’m lost.

Jon: THAT’S OK BECAUSE WE’RE OUT OF TIME ON GRUDEN TALK.  PLAY US OFF, HERM EDWARDS 7.

Herm: PRIVATE EYES WILL BE WATCHING YOU ON 4, BAND!