Today’s central topic is — perhaps for the last time — how to deal with a break-up, so I’m leading with a little scene from High Fidelity, which, though a great movie, generally displays how NOT to go through a break-up. Never mind that he gets Laura back in the end, the endless moping and obsessive behavior is something no Sexbag reader should ever engage in.

Anyhoo, let’s get into it.

Hello Captain,
Fantasy Football: Never played before. Feels kinda wrong rooting for basically every team in some way, although the immense popularity of FF may indicate otherwise. Also, don’t think I’d have the proper time to invest/enjoy it properly.

You most definitely do NOT root for every team. You root for individual players on your team. If I’ve got Drew Brees on my team, I don’t particularly care whether the Saints win or lose, as long as Brees throws for 400 yards and five touchdowns.

So fantasy DOES skew the way you root for outcomes, but it hasn’t diminished my love for the Seahawks. If anything, fantasy football gives me a better knowledge of the rest of the league, something I wouldn’t get if I was just a regular fan cheering for a team and thinking I didn’t have ten minutes to set a fantasy lineup every week.

Relationship: I’m currently single in the middle of nowhere, where there aren’t many singles. But in a couple months I’ll be moving for grad school, so I’m pushing my relationship chips into that.

In the meantime, furiously masturbating to an unforgiveably large collection of pornography shall tide me over. Yes, you can stream it online for free with minimal risk, but the quality! I shouldn’t really care about the quality though, since I barely last beyond the initial downstroke.

Anyway, my request from you is the Captain Caveman Post-Breakup Plan manifest in an actual list. I’m relatively new to KSK and have seen the CC PBP referenced a few times, but cannot find the actual enumerated points (getting into shape and cutting off contact seem to be important.)
Thanks!
One Pump Chump

So, uh, the two paragraphs about masturbation were just… unnecessary personal information? Got it.

While I have covered the Captain Caveman Post-Breakup Plan before, it’s problematic that you can’t find it without ease. So that’s why this letter’s leading the column and getting the headline treatment. If you’re already familiar with THE PLAN, by all means, skip down to the next letter.

STEP 1: BREAK CONTACT. Cease all communication with your ex. This is an absolutely imperative first step. (If she tries the “let’s stay friends” horseshit, don’t bite. She wants to stay friends so SHE feels better about dumping you. There is no benefit to you.) Unfollow her on all social media (it’s up to you whether you want to unfriend her on Facebook, or merely hide her from your feed). If you can’t trust yourself not to get drunk and text her in desperation, then you need to delete her number from your phone. Communication with her will only make you think about her, and if you’re thinking about her, you’re not moving on. Pretend she’s dead. You don’t think about texting dead people, or driving by their house late at night to see if the blinds are open and is she having fun? Is she watching The Daily Show? Oh God, you used to do that together! And she always wore those cute pajamas… NO. SHE’S DEAD NOW.

STEP 2: MOURN. You’re heartbroken, go ahead and wallow in the sadness. Drink by yourself and cry while looking at pictures of of the two of you together. Bore your friends with stories about how much you miss your ex. Turn down the opportunity to hang out with friends. Stay indoors and feel miserable. You get ONE MONTH of this, no more.

STEP 3: REBUILD AND IMPROVE. When you’re in a relationship, you rarely realize just how much time goes into hanging out with your significant other. After a break-up, you suddenly have all that time to yourself. Treat it like it a gift, and fill those hours with new activities and new people. Take a cooking or bartending class. Join a running club or a yoga studio or a CrossFit gym — something that improves your body and introduces you to new people. Volunteer at a hospital or an animal shelter or a tutoring center. Become a better, stronger, smarter person.

A lot of people write in to the mailbag complaining about not being interested in other women long after a break-up. I say: don’t worry about other women. Take care of YOU. Make your life about self-improvement and learn how to be happy alone. As you continue with Step 3, you’ll become a more confident and more interesting version of yourself. You’ll meet new friends who never knew you when you dated Whatsherface, and the new circles of people will include new women.

Your improved physique, knowledge, and kindness will help you find someone smarter and prettier and funnier than the stupid toolbag who dumped you. And someday, months or years down the road, you’ll run into that ex, and she’ll tell you that you look “really good,” and you, in turn, will wish her well, because you are genuinely happy and are doing better without her. And the fact that you’re better-looking and happier without her will FILL HER WITH THE BILE OF REGRET UNTIL THE DAY SHE DIES COLD AND ALONE! REVENGE IS YOURS!!! SWEET REVENGE! IT TOOK SO MUCH WORK, BUT IT WAS WORTH IT!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Also: living life as a happier person, etc. But mostly the revenge thing.

**********

Uff,
One of my good friends is getting married in a month. I know he and his fiance want all the kitchen and related boring stuff (there’s not even cool knives on the list) they have listed in the registry, but I really don’t want to buy the man a blender or towels. I plan on just giving cash and card. I’ve heard the rule “cover your plate.” This article here, among other horrifying lines about the expense of weddings, says the average caterer cost is about $63 a head. This wedding appears to be about your average middle class American wedding. I am in the bridal party, and he is a good friend so I was planning on giving $100. My question really applies to the other 5-6 weddings I will be attending over the next 2 years…does this feel like about the ballpark gift range for a guy in his mid-20s of about average means? $60-70ish for your typical wedding guest?

Don’t give cash unless a couple specifically asks for it. Be a grown-up and buy something on the registry. You’re not a man buying another man a blender. You’re a friend giving newlyweds something for their home. And sixty bucks is plenty. You can even spend less if money’s tight — that mid- to late-20s crush of weddings can really drain a checking account.

Hard to ask FF questions that you can really answer with certainty at this point…but what do you think of Ridley next year? For a NE RB he was pretty damn reliable as far as consistent touches go, and he ended as a top 10ish back. Any concerns over his near on-field death during the playoffs, or competition in the backfield? I can keep him as a R5 next year in a 10 team league, 0.5 PPR. I can keep 3, of which AJ Green (R7) is a lock.

I assume you got him in the 7th round before his rookie year.

So 2 of Brees (R1), Antonio Brown (R13), Jaquizz or TY Hilton (R15). I’m leaning Green, Hilton, Ridley. I pick 6th in R1.
Thanks,
Nick

Aside from the addition of LeGarrette Blount potentially hurting Ridley’s goal-line chances and siphoning some carries, I like Ridley’s value. I think he’s worth a fifth-rounder. I concur with your three keepers.

**********

Dear Captain Caveman,
Relationship – I have lived in Okinawa, Japan for two years as a teacher. In January, I decided not to renew my contract with my school because I wanted to try something new. When I decided, the main reason was I wanted to look for a new job outside of teaching in a field like business, economics, or politics. Being a teacher for another year didn’t appeal to me, but the possibility of a new job back home or Japan did. Since then, I have been applying to work in the US and Japan.

During this time, I met a girl. We started dating. From the night we met, she has known that my job was ending at the end of the summer and the possibility that I may return to Hawaii is real. Yet, after a few dates, we agreed to try things because we liked each other and there was still a chance things could work in Japan. Things have progressed. I care about her a lot. She feels the same.

The trouble is that time is ticking. I promised I would do my best to apply and communicate to her about my job situation. But, if I can’t find anything in Japan, I’ll have to move. In spite of my best efforts, I am growing pessimistic about finding work that I know I will enjoy in Japan. Because I want to be up front and honest, I told her that I am having trouble finding the job that will keep me happy. Of course, this wasn’t something she wanted to hear. I didn’t want to say it, but I felt it was something I needed to say.

The job search isn’t dead. In fact, I had an interview today for a job in Tokyo.

Jeez, how long is this story?

wrap-it-up

But, after the interview, I am not sure whether the firm is right for me. I guess I feel guilt for weighing my career as a factor of happiness.

I feel a long-distance relationship within Japan is possible. I know it would be a challenge, but I feel it’s something I could do. If I have to return to Hawaii, I am less confident. Instead of drawing things out, I fear the best thing for us both would be a break up. But, I don’t want to do it unless I know 100% that I am going home.

What I want to know:
1) Since you’ve traveled abroad (though, in a much braver way), have you been in a relationship with this sort of uncertainty due to distance? How did you handle it?

Yeah, when I was stationed in California I dated someone in New York City. When I left for Kuwait (and subsequently Iraq) in 2003, we wrote a shit-ton of letters to each other, and her love and support helped me get through the war mentally intact. Then we broke up six weeks after I got back to the States — the day before my birthday, if I remember correctly. Good times.

2) Am I handling this situation in a way that is responsible and right?

Yes. Do what’s right for you and your career. I know you’ve got feelings for this girl, but it’s still early in the relationship. If you wind up apart and still really digging each other, well, you’ll need that satisfying and well-paying job to pay for plane tickets.

Fantasy – None. Here is a picture of some Reef girls.

reef

Mahalo!

**********

Dear KSK,
Lets hope that the Mailbag can embiggen my winning prospects.

Let’s!

Business before pleasure, I’ve got an upcoming Keeper quandary. Our league this year should be a 12-teamer (dropping from 14, thank god) where everyone can keep up to three keepers at a two-round premium over last year’s draft position. I lucked into scoring Doug Martin as a 3rd rounder, and rode him all year to a 13-0 record, only to choke hard during my first playoff match-up when the Saints obliterated the Bucs. I’ve also got Reggie Bush as a legacy keeper RB2-3 that I could retain for an 8th rounder, and he looks pretty sweetly situated now that he’s in Detroit. My winning record means I’m going to be in a late-first round draft slot. With the “Muscle Hamster” being slotted as a top 3 pick, do I lock up a true work-horse RB1 at a 6-7 spot discount, or do I take the lesser player with bigger savings?

Hmmm. I think Doug Martin may be more of a Top-5 back than a Top-3 one, but that’s quibbling and irrelevant to your point. You’d definitely be getting him at a discount, but take a good, hard look at your roster and see if there’s better value on your roster. Assuming you’re picking somewhere between 7th and 9th (depending on your playoff finish and who dropped out), take a look at who else you might be able to get in the 1st round. Is LeSean McCoy or Jamaal Charles an acceptable replacement for Doug Martin? I’d say so, and that would free you up to keep a relative sleeper from the later rounds (assuming you had one last year).

In terms of sex, my current girlfriend I are going on a year plus and doing great. Sex is regular and awesome, we communicate well, and we’re both suitably GGG that we keep things fresh.

For those who don’t know, GGG = “good, giving, and game.”

Also: How DARE you cheat on this column with Savage Love? Am I not good enough for you?

The problem is, she’s going to be disappearing for a grad school residency for 10 weeks in the immediate future. I’m going to be dropping from regular and awesome to completely cut off. Not the worst duration for distance/separation, but still more than I’d prefer. Based on previous probing “jokes” about sexy times with cameras, I’m assuming sexy Skype sessions are off the table, as she is prudently unwilling to risk any video of her being made and escaping into the world. But lets be real here,

Yes, let’s!

is there any way to get some decent remote intimacy without video? Tips?
-Dick Spinner

I swear, kids these days.

Anyway, “phone sex” is a bygone form of sexual activity — last performed by Alexander Graham Bell in the late 19th century, I believe — in which the participants in the conversation would describe the sexual actions they would prefer to be doing in person, while masturbating and using their “imagination” to picture the acts described by the other.

If all that seems a bit too archaic (lol “imagination” what is that), perhaps you can do something like FaceTime if you both have iPhones, or whatever the equivalent is on Droids. To my knowledge, there’s no easy way to record video of your iPhone screen–

Oh. Well, enjoy phone sex!