serious-business

Welcome to Behind the PFT Headlines, where we save you time by guessing the story based on the provocative headline.

RAIDERS WAIVE MARIO KURN

This is a test. This is only a test. If you clicked on this then you will click on literally anything you see on the internet. Click here for a live streaming webcast of an empty closet. Oh my god, you clicked it, didn’t you?

CHESNEY CONCERT CAUSES RUCKUS AT HEINZ FIELD

This is such an overblown story. It’s just some good ol’ boys havin’ a good ol’ time. I heard that the last time TI held a concert in Chicago 15 people died overnight.

INCONCLUSIVE VIDEO FUELS DECISION NOT TO CHARGE JONES-DREW

Inconclusive. Reasonable doubt. Habeus corpus. Caveat emptor. Uh…I used to be able to do this all day. Jurisprudence!

TEAMMATE SEES SOME ROETHLISBERGER IN LOCKER

Nate Washington sees some similarities between his current quarterback and the man he used to play with. This bodes well for Locker’s development as a quarterback, while at the same time raising serious questions about his character. If Locker rolls in to training camp on a motorcycle we’ll post a RAPE WATCH alert on the home page.

RICE LIKES HIS TOP 100 RANKING, DISAGREES WITH FLACCO’S

Rice thinks Flacco should be higher on the list, but he’s wrong because Flacco is only borderline elite. The real question is whether NFL Network’s Top 100 list on the Mt. Rushmore of all Top 100 lists. It’s certainly worth discussing.

TIM RUSKELL MOVES UP A RUNG FOR TITANS

Nobody really cares about a team scout getting assigned to a new area of the country, but it’s always fun to watch Seahawks fans get riled up in the comment section. Hey guys, remember Aaron Curry? GO NUTS! And don’t forget to hit refresh every thirty seconds. I have a mascot twitter war to win.

THEISMANN WANTS TO REPLACE HUFF ON REDSKINS BROADCASTS

So that’s why Theismann is always so relentlessly positive with regards to his former team. He’s clearly been plotting this move for decades. Would it be a reach to say that he is also the one who convinced Sam Huff to retire? Maybe, maybe not.

HERNANDEZ ADDS ANOTHER LAWYER TO HIS TEAM

Finally, a smart move from Aaron Hernandez. You can never have enough lawyers on hand. Unless you produce Football Night In America, in which case one is plenty. I didn’t spend six months studying law in a converted mine shaft to share screen time with some Harvard type. And let me just say, thank god for criminals. Every day I live in fear of that “Days Without An Arrest” counter going up towards infinity.