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Today we’re tackling the AFC North which features 2 terrible franshises from the state of Ohio and no I’m not talking about Rax Roast Beef and Skyline Chili which ironically have produced exactly as many gross turds as the Browns and Bengals over the years.

Cincinnati Bengals:

Chris Henry- I mean come on

Pacman Jones- I mean come on

Chad Slowchocinco Johnson- Currently in jail I mean come on folks, “I cant make this stuff up if I tried”-Thomas Jefferson

Mike Brown- The only bigger jackass then the SingSing-ati lineup has got to be the guy who put it all together. Guys like your Jerry Joneses and Dan Snyders get unfairly lumped together with Brown but the reality is Mike will only throw cash at you if a judge has already ruled your a flight risk and cant legally leave the city as a free agent. Mike comes from a long line of dimwits,,his dad was literally too stupid to coach the Browns and then he decided to start a more lucrative franshise so naturally he chose Cincinnati. Over the past 45 years the only thing more consistent than his teams going 5-11 is number of Superbowl rings on his finger.

 

Cleveland Browns:

The list of their QBs since the NFL gave them a second chance- Im just going to list them here: Tim Couch, Ty Detmer, Doug Pederson, Spergon Wynn, Kelly Holcomb, Jeff Garcia, Luke McCown, Trent Dilfer, Charlie Frye, Derek Anderson, Brady Quinn, Ken Dorsey, Bruce Gradkowski Jake Delhomme, Colt McCoy, Seneca Wallace, Brandon Weeden, and I guarentee you Jason Cambell will start at least one game this year. (This is Cambell’s 2nd Mount Flushmore).

Bill Belichick- Before there was the Patriot Way there was the Cleveland Creed which was pretty much “I’m going to let this horse take a shit on our practice field and depending on which side of midfield it lands I’m either starting Vinny Testaverde or Bernie Kosar.” Unfortunately for the Browns, Briefcase Belichick was thinking Me-First and got himself fired, only to see a skinny kid named Tom Brady and a rib-padless Drew Bledsoe and the rest is history. Belichick leaving to win big in New England is almost like if some basketball superstar left Cleveland and ended up enjoying a huge amount of success and national attention after leaving the city that he had given so much hope to.

Braylon Edwards- “Brayzie Bone” is a great name for a aspiring Cleveland rapper/dawg pound favorite wide receiver, but he smoked so much drugs that the only place he had more drops than on the football field was in his eyes before filmstudy. A Michigan man, Braylon acted like a union worker on a long lunch break and will always be known as the guy who stole Joe Jureviciouses roster spot that will go down as the biggest theft in the history of a crime-ridden city.

The Teams Shower Discipline- For years the Browns took full advantage of living next to the Cleveland Clinic by refusing to bathe themselfs properly. In a city where the river catches fire I’d be more worried about catching staph from sharing a cab with any eligible receiver on the Browns. I’m all for civic pride folks, but when your players start calling there jock straps a “rust belt” its time to run a load of the whites. Whether its verse the Steelers on Sunday, or Kellen Winslows pus covered leg, the Browns have developed a reputation for being a team that doesnt know how to stop the run.

 

Baltimore Ravens:

Ray Lewis- pRay Lewises career started out like a Outkast chorus that made national news and turned into a episode of the Wire as his presence turned the Ravens locker room into Hamsterdam. Granted stabbing two people makes him one of the least violent people in Baltimore I’ll admit,, but it has no place in my NFL. Rays famous for his dancing and no one except me has the courage to point out that hes a really bad dancer whose signature moves could of been better choreographed by Elaine Benes and Steve Gleason.

Jamal Lewis- Jamals a true definition of a one-season wonder, which also describes the series of brief pregnancies Rays little brother made in the mid-2000s. Jamals best known for two things. 1. Getting arrested for dealing cocaine and 2. Breaking the alltime single game record which isnt really something to brag about considering it was against the Browns and the previous record holder was Cory Dillon. Your measured by the company you keep and I dont care what the record is, if its held by Corey Dillon you should expect to break that record every game.

Kyle Boller- From Kommenter Philo Beddoe: “when your coach has to use a challenge to say you were sacked before you fumbled when the play was only a handoff, you belong in the toilet.” Thats a strong take. I hesitate to put Kyle on this list when you take in account he was in a “committed relationship” with Tara Reid meaning he would bang her everytime he visited her in the psych ward.

Steve McNair- I mean come on

 

Pittsburgh Steelers:

Mike Wallace- Mikes only asset is his Speed which would of made him a great fit in the Seattle lockerroom folks.  Wallace showed flashes of brilliance in Pittsburgh but only because hes the only receiver ever that Big Ben could not outthrow. I call the guy Mike Koalas because of his laziness but you have to admit its kind of ironic that a guy who gets paid to run straight spends all his money on Zig-Zags.

Neil O’Donnell-Neil is the alltime NFL record holder for fewest number of INTs thrown per 100 attempts (2.11) which barely edges out his alltime record for number of INTs thrown to Larry Brown in Superbowls. When you play for a team like the Steelers, the bars a bit higher, and if you end up being known as the guy who made Barry Switzer look like a sober genius your going on Flushmore.

Mike Tomlin- So funny how when Gruden coached up Tony Dungys circus act of a roster they gave all the credit to skeletor, but when Tomlin fries up a Superbowl using Cowhers groceries we all have to give Tomlin snaps or whatever he wanted. Dont get me wrong I think hes probably a very good players coach but theres a reason guys like Santonio Homes and Ratard Mendenhall were allowed to undermind the Arians way and probably cost the Steelers the Superbowl. Ultimately you get judged by big game performances and a coach who goes 1-1 in Superbowls is worse than one who goes 0-0 IMO. Mikes ultimately responsible for allowing James Harrison to spend 500k per year on “massages” which you have to believe must have created some real terrible towels in that mushroom cellar of a training room.

Kordell Stewart- Kordell was a WR/RB/QB they use to call him “Slash” nowdays they just call those players “The NFC West”. He allegedly caught more balls off the field then he did on it which is fine if thats the lifestyle you choose but “It Gets Better” is the last phrase I would use to tell you about his career. In a poetic twist, Kordells nickname in practice was exactly what his teammates use to say when making personal jokes about him off the field: No Offense.

Ok folks next up is the AFC East so lets hear suggestions for Dolphins Jets Pats and Bills.