Welcome to the AFC East, featuring the Pats Bills Jets and Dolphins. Between Marino and Jim Kelly your looking at a alltime basement division taking into account my stat of RPY (Rings Per Year) which is a big part of my proprietary algorhythym so lets get started climbing crap mountain.
Kevin Everett- So I feel like such a idiot not realizing all these years the Bills were a falseflag franchise for the NFLPA. The Players Union was using them to encourage the rules changes and safety that they wanted to cram down our throats. I must of looked like such a jerk booing Kevin Everett when everyone else knew he wasnt even hurt. I dont know if its a compliment or a insult to say that he could be there number 1 receiver right now but i hope its a insult. Kevin didn’t know that he wasnt the only one with Ice Water running through his veins and Goodell instantly counter-moved with inventing HeadsUp tackling which put all the blame back on Everett.
Jim Kelly- Ive been pretty clear that you need to have a winning record in your Superbowls or dont even bother getting there at all, well Jims sitting at 0-4 which is also the hotness of girls you get if you play in Buffalo. Jim just had jawcancer surgery so heres wishing him a speedy recovery but you just know its a matter of time before DeSmith claims running a no-huddle offense has direct ties to face tumors and Chip Kelly pulls a Pagano to really sell it.
OJ Simpson- Come on
Travis Henry- Travis Henry makes Antonio Cromartie look like Tim Tebow. The guy had 11 kids with 10 different women and i bet all the moms hate the one chick that got knocked up twice and they dont invite her to family reunions aka visiting day at Juvie. Travis is in the record books as the only guy in NFL history whose cumlative yards per touch finished second place to his own sperms.
Dan Marino- Realtalk. Dans such a great commentator but hes not a homer at all which is only because the Dolphins havent done anything good enough since he was there for even a fan of the team to talk about. Hes one of the all-time losers in RPYs, and even though he absolutely knocked it out of the park in Ace Ventura he also made out with a guy who was played by a girl which is behavior youd expect out of Steve Philips more than Dan.
Ricky Williams- The dolphins stadium has a baseball field but it might as well have been a basketball court with the amount of drugs being done on it. Ricky had a nose for the goalline but thats only because the Dolphins knew how to motivate Ricky and lined the endzone with speedballs. Im not really sure what you expect signing a player whose chose Master P as his agent but true to form when the Dolphins asked Ricky to come to training camp in 2014 his response was “Ugh, na na na na.”
Bill Parcels & Jeff Ireland- These two folks come as a package. Its rare in todays NFL that you find 2 false flag teams in the same division but theres no way that crashing Jets into this franchise will bring it down on its own so they installed some accelerents. Asking a player if his mom was a whore is fine with me and totally in bounds but if you ask that question and the answers “no” you have to draft that player IMO. The only thing wrong with the way Ireland went about it was that he tipped his hand showing he was only interested in picking up players whose moms would have sex with him for money. This is a classic Bill Parcells trick who insisted he shop for all the groceries but that was just a cover for bringing paper bags with him to players moms houses folks.
New England Patriots:
Giselle- I call it the “Curse of the Bam-Bimbo” folks. Heres a fun stat for you: Before Giselle “Distract-chün” Brady was 3-0 in Superbowls. After Giselle: 0-2. Giselle and Brady tell people with a straight face that they were set up on a “blind date” in 2006 but considering Brady was a 3-time world champion QB and Giselle was the biggest Supermodel in the world you have to assume this is code for a Gloryhole type situation. Giselle overthrew Welker under the bus, which probably stemmed from jealousy considering she was use to her lower back being Bradys favorite target.
Randy Moss- Randy Mosses tenure in New England made less sense then his dream journal folks. They tried to make him buy into the “Patriot way” which Randy apparently thought meant taking cannonballs to the face. Anyone can put up record-breaking numbers in the regular season but you’d sooner expect to find Randy bleeding in a Milledgeville Bathroom stall since he seems to be more concerned about a payday then a ring. Randy actually performed admirably in 2007 considering how nervous he must of been that the NFL was finally cracking down on dogfighting. Despite the fact that he played opposite Welker, Randys off-the-field behavior made him the only true “possession” receiver on that roster and ironicly was traded for a pick they would eventually use on possession QB Ryan Mallet.
Bob Kraft- The old NFL story goes that Al Davis went to the USSR after the Radiers won the Superbowl and Gorbachov tried to steal Davises ring,,Al brained him with a diamond crusted faberge egg giving him a big ugly scar on his forehead and almost like a permanent reminder of American resiliency. Kraft is the only owner to have lost 3 Superbowl rings: 1 to a Russian dictator and 2 in his casting couch floozies folks. If Im sending owners over to face off with the Russian’s I want a Bond villian like Khan, instead we sent a guy who looks like Williams Shatner fell asleep inside George Hamilton.
Junior Seau- smh and btw @MrButterChicken s fantasy football team name was Seauicidal Tendencies which is such a strongtake
New York Jets:
Brett Farve- Im a huge Farve fan even if Im all alone on it. It might be against “the rules” these days to celebrate a southern White qb who threw more TDs then you could shake a tiny pink and veiny stick at but I guess I’m just old fashion. Farves a Rushmore type guy for the Packers and Vikes but he crippled this franchise by forcing them into drafting Sanchez. Granted, Brett was set up to fail in NY on account of he was brought in to replace Chad Pennington which is like going from banging Princess Di to Cytherea. Still, Farve threw 22 INTs in New York and the only thing he failed to hit more than Jets receivers was Manhatten cervixes.
Bill Belichick- How did Briefcase Belichick thank the Jet’s for making him headcoach? By writing on a napkin that hes leaving to coach the Pats and announcing it at the press confrence where he was supposed to be introduced as Jets coach. This type of stuff might work for Sanchez leaving breakup notes in trapper-keepers but this is the National Football League folks. Later on the Jets would hire Mangina who snitched on Belichicks spygate program but the Jets would of bought a lot more goodwill with fans of watchable football if they had just asked CBS to stop filming there games instead.
Kevin Mawae- A Union thug who made his living pretending to read “labor negoseating for dummies” in the lockerroom all the time until he eventually got elected to the NFLPA,, Kevin “Mawae or the Highway” apparently never got to the chapter about comprimise and convinced the rest of the players that a strike would get them everything they want. Hes the guy you can go thank with a knuckle sandwich for only 16 regular season games and the expansion of player introductions from 2 seconds to 3.5 or half a minute for guys like Cam Newtown who would be faster to just list the college conferences he played in. Kevins career is way overrated hes a guy that old school coaches would of banished to the AFL or more likley the AFL-CIO.
Mark Sanchez- Ramming into another mans butt so hard your body goes limp use to be reserved for Kerry Rhodes but when the safety headed west it was Sanchezes turn. Its honestly the worst play I’ve ever seen, if there was a mt flushmore of plays it would be buttfumble, TO sharpiegate, Orlovsky safety, and Jamarcus Russels highlights. When you hear the words “Top 5 Head Bands” you might think think of Three Six Mafia, but I think of Sanchez and his stupid hairstyles that would make John Unitas roll over in his grave. It always irks you to see a guy play up his Mexicaness for the media but the only thing Sanchez has in common with a Dorito Taco is they satisfy Middle Schoolers after the late bus.
Folks this concludes the AFC, next up: the NFC West. Send me your suggestions in the comments/ firstname.lastname@example.org
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news & humor before everyone else.