If you’re a sports fan on the internet, you have no doubt already seen this photo of a cougar-y Miami fan “waving goodbye” to Joakim Noah in Game 2 of the Bulls-Heat series. Less than a day after the photo went viral, she was identified as Filomena Tobias: thrice-divorced, once widowed, and supposedly affiancéed a fifth time to the gentleman next to her, a VP at a wealth management firm. Oh, and about that fourth husband, Seth Tobias: his family says that she murdered him by drugging him and luring him into a swimming pool with the promise of “a sexual liaison with a gay porn star/exotic dancer who went by the name Tiger because of the tiger stripes he had tattooed on his body.” (She was acquitted.)

The whole thing is summed up briefly here and in painstakingly batsh*t detail here. Filomena bought a Porsche with a credit card, then cried when Seth forced her to return it. She sucked cocaine residue out of his nose. She sent him furious all-caps text messages. She was defended in her fourth husband’s death by her third ex-husband (who introduced them). She is at best a terrifying human being and at worst deadly in a very literal sense.

And dammit if I don’t find it all INCREDIBLE SEXY. When I first watched Basic Instinct as a teenager, I couldn’t understand Michael Douglas’s character. “Doesn’t he realize she could kill him?!?!?” Now I get it: she could kill him. SO HOT. Just the swath of wreckage she’s created in wealthy men’s lives is incredible! Surely men have been warned of what she’s capable of, and yet she hooks them anyway. What secret, dangerous paths to orgasm does she know? QUEL INTRIGUE.

Anyhoo, super-glad my wife is sane and funny. Thanks for not drowning me in the pool, sweetie! (Also: sorry we don’t have a pool.)

On to your questions!

Dear Dickjerking Slut Shamers:

Objection! We are Slut Celebrators, sir. Women should be allowed — nay, encouraged — to embrace and enjoy sex as much as men (as long as everyone’s wearing protection for the casual stuff). “KSK: Sluts welcome.”

FF: I got hardcored boned by injuries two seasons ago (Jamaal Charles, then every running back I picked up or traded for thereafter) only to avoid players with injury histories last season and suffer again (I had the opportunity to draft Peterson, Charles, and Andre Johnson consecutively and didn’t). My biggest weakness has always been running back, partly from habitually being 7th or later in the first round and thus drafting a QB, so how should I go about making wise choices for my backfield?

By being smarter, I guess? I mean, if it’s someone like Darren McFadden who’s injured half of every year, I could see being concerned about injury history. But a guy who’s had a year to recover from an ACL tear? Modern medicine can accommodate that, unless you’re Derrick Rose.

It’s important, too, to target young/unestablished RBs who seem primed to get the lion’s share of carries. Doug Martin, while inconsistent, was a top fantasy RB as a rookie — and Alfred Morris was even better (though his situation was murkier because Mike Shanahan never reveals shit about his running backs).

People also shied away from Marshawn Lynch last year because he got paid — they assumed the Chris Johnson effect, even though Johnson’s drop-off was likely the cause of a holdout. But if you’ve got a good team, a good line, and the back is younger than 30, then you’re in good shape picking him.

Players will always get injured — or never get injured, if you’ve got a starter’s handcuff — so you’ll have to be nimble on the waiver wire and be willing to make a trade if no one pans out. But think of it like dating: would you swear off all blondes or all Virgos just because a Swedish chick born in September broke your heart? No, that’s stupid. Football players with injuries are the same way. It’s gonna happen, and there’s only so much you can do to minimize risk.

Sex: Let’s say my girlfriend is Amy, my best friend is Sam, and his girlfriend is Sha’Quanda. Sam and I have known each other for about 13 years and even though we’re now geographically separated, we’re almost certainly going to hang out on a somewhat regular schedule. Trouble is that there’s some shit between Amy and Sha’Quanda that was revealed to me when I started dating Amy and she and Sha’Quanda met for what I thought was the first time.

Apparently this involves a guy (“Tony”) they both had a thing with like 6 years ago. Amy actually dated Tony for close to a year (as it turns out, he was a douchenozzle) and she’s 99% sure Sha’Quanda hooked up with him while they were dating. However, there’s no way to determine what actually happened without prying it out of Sha’Quanda, and Amy has told me repeatedly that she doesn’t want me discussing this with either Sha’Quanda or Sam. Oddly enough, Amy has been making an effort to be friendly with Sha’Quanda and it’s the latter who’s been cold.

There may be no way to handle this, but it would suck for my girlfriend and Sam’s girl to have this wedge remain between them, especially when Sam and Sha’Quanda are probably getting married in a couple of years. Any advice on how I can address this would be appreciated. I understand that this may be beyond my control.
-Optimus Prime

I have no way of solving the problem — and neither do you — without knowing what the problem is. Amy’s hamstrung your ability to work a solution by asking you not to discuss it with either Sam or Sha’Quanda, which suggests she has something to hide — something that’s embarrassing; something that she thinks will make you think less of her; something that involves her and Sha’Quanda dumping Tony’s body in a lake. I don’t know, but it’s fun to speculate!

A lot depends on what kind of girlfriend Amy is to you. If she’s inherently reasonable, you should be able to convince her that you should talk to Sam about it and try to clear the air, because you love her and you want all four of you to be comfortable with each other in the years to come. If she bends towards the controlling/unreasonable and you can make no inroads, well… maybe she shouldn’t be part of the long-term scenario. You, as a human being with free will, should be allowed to talk to your best friend about anything you want.

P.S. I attached a nice photo of Stana Katic for funsies.

Watch “Castle” on Monday nights after [reality show targeted to women].

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Dear KSK,
After this week’s mailbag,

Note: this was in response to the Yahoo! Answers mailbag, so it’s a few weeks old.

my questions can’t possibly be more inane, or the ones that have been sent in over the last several weeks. Don’t grade me on apostrophe usage. I’ve spent the last ten minutes trying to figure out where it is supposed to go. It is 12:30 am and I’ve been drinking for a while. I may or may not be high as well. Or do grade me. I would totally grade you and heap scorn upon you if you misplaced one of them. Inebriation is not an excuse for poor grammar. Standards must be upheld.

You’re correct, and that’s why I’ve deleted one of the two spaces you placed in between each of your sentences.

I’m 44 and look it, complete with gray hair in places where I should not have gray hair. My best friend died of colon cancer 4 months ago, and I’ve decided to say fuck it and travel the world for a while to clear my head. Yes, I know that I am insanely lucky. I leave May 1

Whoops! So much for me getting to questions in a timely fashion.

for an 80-day trip (didn’t lay it out that way, it just kind of worked out) around the world, stopping in Hawaii, New Zealand, Australia, Japan, England, France, The Netherlands, Iceland, and the East Coast of the US). I’ll be traveling solo, but would like to hook up with local people to find stuff that normal tourists wouldn’t find. Aside from the tried-and-true method of sitting at a bar and making conversation with the bartenders, are there any other things I should be doing to improve my experience?

Ordinarily I’d say stick to hostels, both for cost and for the fellow travelers looking for adventures outside the standard tourist traps. Fair warning on that, though: many of those bohemian travelers will consider you old and possibly even creepy. Young people are awful.

Chatting to bartenders is a great “in,” but they’re only one facet of the service industry: valets, waiters, bellhops, and the like are always locals (or vagabonds who’ve ended up in the place long enough to fit in), and most of them will happily share their favorite places when prompted by a better-than-average tip. (Though judging by your travel blog, you seem to be aware of this already.)

Second, and most important, aside from the normal stuff, like paying attention to what they’re saying, is getting international poon any more difficult than getting domestic poon? Is being an American a help or a hindrance? This will not make or break the trip, but the more you know…

As someone who traveled internationally in the spring of 2003, I can tell you that it certainly helps that people around the world prefer Barack Obama to George W. Bush. Other than that, you will largely be judged by your own characteristics — merely arriving at a watering hole off the beaten path will be a sign that you’re not there to order Budweiser and shoot people.

Being an American will always help with certain people who are predisposed to a foreigner in passing. The rest of it comes down to your charm.

Fantasy – The guy who has taken a kicker in the 7th round for two straight years has, of course, won the league for the past two fucking years. I fucking hate week 16 and the nasty, capricious bitch named Fantasy Football. We have obtained pictures of him as a geeky 7th grader, including one with his violin. I am aware that all of us have pictures that are similarly ridiculous, but he doesn’t have any of those. What is the best way to deploy them, other than to lock him out of his account (I’m the commissioner of the league) and replace his logo with one of these stupid pics?
-Roy Hobbs

It depends on the amount of damage you want to do. A group email to everyone in the league will result in mere localized damage and is certainly within the bounds of fantasy league antics. More damage: put the photo on Facebook, and wait a day to tag him.

Personally, though, I’d just make the photo the avatar for MY team.  That way it will always be there to amuse you and everyone else in the league without embarrassing him publicly.

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Dearest Captain,
This is unrelated to both fantasy and sex, but is a general question which I believe requires outside input.

Cool, I’ll just rename this KSK Sex & Fantasy Football or General Question Mailbag.

A buddy of mine and his wife recently purchased their first home. Now, he’s not the most handy individual, but at least has the wherewithal to notice when something isn’t working as it should. The other day he noticed that one of his bathroom sinks has stopped draining as quickly as it used to. So he mentions this to me, and because I’m unbelievably addicted to Amazon Prime, I decide to buy him a pair of pliers and an adjustable wrench, and have them sent to his house so he can take off the trap under his sink and figure out why its plugged up. Two weeks go by, and I haven’t heard anything in regards to his amateur plumbing attempt, so I ask him if he was successful, and come to find out that he never even bothered to take a look at his sink, so my thoughtful gift is just sitting around being useless.

Is it really a thoughtful gift, though? You got him the gift YOU would want in the scenario without really considering his proclivity/aptitude for it. I would certainly call your gift generous, but the thoughtfulness — aside from taking the initiative to give him a gift — is debatable.

I guess my question is, is there a statute of limitations on how long I have to wait before I ask my buddy for those two tools back that he’s obviously never going to use, or are they forever in my friends possession?
-Free Sanchez

Just ask to borrow them. Make up some home-improvement project if you want. Then let two or three months go by, and one time when you’re at his house, say, “Oh! I meant to bring those tools back to you and totally forgot.” In an ideal world, he’ll recognize that that’s his window to say, “Don’t worry about it.” If that doesn’t work and he asks for them back, well, at least you can borrow those tools whenever you need them.

**********

Dear KSK,
Football: I’m in a 10 person auction draft and we’re entering the third year of this format so many of the expensive keepers are going to be tossed back onto the block. My question is about draft strategy. In years past I’ve tried to set a rough budget for a player so that I don’t get caught in a bidding war and blow a third of my budget on one guy. At best I finish in the middle of the pack by pretending to be a Jewish Ted Thompson.

I assume that you mean YOU’RE Jewish, and are trying to emulate Ted Thompson. Because there’s another interpretation that could be construed as anti-Semitic.

Would I be better off blowing my wad on a top RB and QB and going for scrubs for the rest of the team or just go for good value? I don’t want to spend $12 on James Starks again just because he’s my last roster spot and that’s how much I have left.

I think there’s enough value in a ten-team league to not blow your wad on a single elite QB or RB. You figure that Rodgers, Brees, and Ryan will command top dollar. Peyton Manning will also be expensive. Brady will be pricey but slightly less so due to the loss of Welker.  I expect RG3 will demand a high price despite injury concerns. Kaepernick and Cam Newton will be costly, and with good reason. Those are eight quarterbacks that I’d happily have as my fantasy starter (actually, I wouldn’t go after RG3 because I think he won’t be ready to start 2013, but I wouldn’t say no to him, either), and I haven’t even gotten to QBs I think will be perfectly acceptable for a lower price: Tony Romo, Russell Wilson, Matt Stafford, Andrew Luck. In a ten-team league, you can wait to target a QB.

Running back may be a different story: there are fewer elite backs, but also a higher rate of injury. The risk/reward is a little more steep, and I wouldn’t break the bank for Adrian Peterson or Arian Foster unless I was confident in my ability to target sleepers that will pan out (I am usually more hopeful than confident in that regard.)

Sex: My wife and I are expecting our third child this July so I know sexy time will be at a premium for a little while. What I wanted your thoughts on is the rumor that women hit a horny streak in their early 30s. My wife will be 29 this fall so I’m hoping that this exists and we’ll be hitting it once all the potty training stress is all done. Please tell me it’s real, and that it is glorious. I need something to hold on to.
Thanks,
Oldman

Maybe SINGLE women in their 30s do. Living with a woman — and moreover, having kids with her — should erase whatever semblance of horny streak you were hoping for. Sure, you’ll get huge chunks of time back when you’re not changing diapers, but that won’t magically become sexy time — it will be filled with some other aspect of parenting. The kids won’t need naps any more, or they’ll need help with their homework, or you’ll be driving them to soccer practice, etc. You may see a slight uptick in sexual activity, but don’t bet the bank on it.

**********

Dear KSK,
My friend, Greg, was dumped by his wife last fall. Long story short, she wasn’t happy with anything in her life so she decided to change as much as she could, and he was collateral damage. Not one to wallow in self-pity, he did what many of us would have liked to do–he started “dating” (by which I mean having rough, aggressive sex with) his hot, younger (she’s 27; he’s 41) receptionist. They’ve since both changed jobs for reasons unrelated to their playing grabass in the stairwell, so he has no worries there. They’ve now been together for almost 6 months and are exclusive. So what’s the problem? She’s a bit of a wild child, and her friends are even wilder. I’m truly happy for him and don’t have any issues with his decisions so far (and even if I did, it’s none of my business), but I guess my questions are:

1. How long can he have nights snorting MDMA and hosting topless hottub parties with she and her friends before the situation changes from “awesome rebound, dude” to midlife crisis or early heart attack?

Oh, it’s already a midlife crisis. But his wife dumped him, so I’d say he’s entitled to it. Also, call it what you will — rebound, midlife crisis — but I can’t really imagine an age where, if I were single, I wouldn’t want to host a topless hot tub party with my hot young former secretary and her wild friends while we’re all on ecstasy. That just sounds kinda great regardless of age, and — were it to end in a heart attack — a pretty good way to go.

2. Does their relationship have any chance of becoming something more “meaningful”, whatever that means? From what I know of her, she’s more grounded than her friends and I could see her moving out of her wild twenties, which would no doubt bode well for their long-term prospects. Also, he’s quite fond of her.

Why not? Bosses have been marrying secretaries since at least the 1960s, according to my extensive research.*

(*watching Mad Men)

3. Am I wrong to have moments where I want to break things off with my wonderful lady just so that I can slipstream onto his wild times with these younger temptresses? Obviously I’m joking (nervous chuckle), and I know it’d get old really fast, but damnit it seems like every one of her friends is DTF, presumably thanks to being raised on internet porn.

Are you wrong to think about it? Of course not. I think about Kate Upton PLENTY, but I have yet to act on any of those impulses. (Shut up, I could make it work!) But I don’t, because I love the life I have with my wife. Besides, without even considering the price of a divorce, any sexy affair that I could possibly imagine would inevitably be accompanied by some kind of conversation with a woman ten years my junior, and that would be sheer AGONY. My wife makes me laugh twenty times a day, which in the long run is way better than topless hot tub parties. Or so I imagine.

Wait, how’d this get to be about ME? Stick with your wife.

*********

Cavern Castellan -
Fantasy: It’s the offseason. This is a sad thing. However, if you’d like a chuckle, peruse the settings for my friends’ Failure League and pick out what amusing tidbits you may find. The scoring is set up in such a way as to reward those teams whose players are the worst in the league without getting benched. Touchdowns are frowned upon, interceptions celebrated. Feel free to check it out and make your judgments. I have loved every minute of it and been bemusedly stared at in many sports bars. (Note that safeties are still worth 2 points to the D/ST, because you should never have to root against a safety.)

I absolutely love the concept, but I think you have too many bonuses for things that are essentially random variance, which devalues the week-in, week-out shittiness of someone like Blaine Gabbert or Matt Cassell. Bonuses at the hundred-yard mark — whether positive or negative — is an arbitrary and unnecessary measure. Also, kickers have too much sway in your league: while I like them getting points for missed FGs and missed PATs, they shouldn’t have the opportunity to put so many fantasy points on the board. I’d halve all their values.

Still: bravo on your originality. I’d definitely be interested in joining a league such as yours.

Sex: I’m in my late 20s and recently joined the USAF. Uncle Sam moved me away from home and my girlfriend. No surprise there. We’ve been off and on for the last three years or so (2 on/1 off, give or take). Our relationship is fairly good but the distance is indefinite. I’ve decided that, since I’m still not sure she’s wife material, we should end it.

I’m visiting home in two weeks. She is excited to see me. When’s the best time to do this? Now? When I get home? I’m leaning towards giving her a face-to-face reckoning, as she deserves the “best” break-up experience I can give her. If I broke it off beforehand, it would be over the phone, which seems callous to me, especially right before an opportunity to do it in person. If I do wait until I go home, she’s going to expect some sexy results pretty imminently, which will take a Gandhian effort to resist. (Listen, it’s been a while and she is bona fide.)

See, you guys? This is one more reason why long-distance relationships are a motherfucker. Because when it comes down to serious problems (up to and including a break-up), you owe them a face-to-face discussion, but all your face-to-face time is dedicated to fucking like dolphins. It’s a Catch-22.

I really don’t want to hop off the plane and immediately duck into the Cinnabon to tell her “I love you but we’re probably never getting married so you should start moving on now.” I most DEFINITELY don’t want to be having that conversation at any point post-coitus. Conversely, the more days she doesn’t know about this, the more days we’re both not moving on, and the more I feel guilty and burdened. Hell, I can’t even think of a good way to tell her! THIS IS HARD TO DO. I don’t like any of these options, so I ask you: which is the least shitty?
v/r,
Lt Neil fucking Sedaka

I think you have to pull the plug before you go home. Rip the Band-Aid off now, because if you don’t there’s no way to NOT have sex with her when you get home. You’ll get it on, and since you can’t tell her right after having sex, you’ll get it on again, and so on. By the time you finally break up to her face to face, she’ll kill you with this question: “When did you know?” And your hesitation will be all it takes for her to hate you for taking advantage of her willing, nubile body.

If you break up over the phone, you can work your way through whatever tears and unhappiness while you sip whiskey to cope with the drama. Over those two weeks, you might even be able to reach a stage of acceptance where — by the time you get home — she’ll be ready for some nostalgic post-break-up sex. Win-win!

(I am an awful person.)