Jon: WELCOME BACK TO GRUDEN TALK, THE TALK SHOW WHERE WE DICUSS THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUES OF THE DAY. BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS, DO YOU REMEMBER SOUTH CAROLINA GOVERNOR MARK SANFORD?
Herm: I DON’T HIKE THE APPALACHIAN TRAIL; I RUN IT.
Jon: WELL HE’S TRYING TO GET HIS OLD HOUSE SEAT BACK AND WE HAVE CLEMSON PROFESSOR DAVE WOODARD HERE TO TALK ABOUT HIS CHANCES. HOW YA DOIN’ DAVE?
Dave: I’m doing well.
Jon: THIS MARK SANFORD, I CALL HIM NORV TURNER BECAUSE HE KEEPS GETTING WORK AGAINST ALL ODDS.
Herm: MARK SANFORD HAS A WEIRD NECK.
Jon: SO DAVE, HOW THE HELL IS MARK SANFORD MAKING THIS COMEBACK?
Dave: Well the district he’s running in is heavily Republican and he won a fractured primary and runoff against underfunded opponents.
Jon: LEMME TELL YA, THIS MAKES ME WONDER IF THERE’S ANYONE THAT REPUBLICANS WOULDN’T VOTE FOR. TOM DELAY? DICK CHENEY? TED MARCHIBRODA?
Dave: Well Mark Sanford has a reputation as a principled conservative and Republican voters have shown a willingness to overlook that.
Jon: WELL THEY GOTTA REALIZE THAT YOU AIN’T WINNING ELECTIONS WHEN YOU KEEP NOMINATING LOSERS. YOU’RE NOT GONG TO WIN A SUPER BOWL WITH ELVIS GRBAC AT QB AND YOU’RE NOT GONNA RETAKE THE WHITE HOUSE IF YOU’RE GONNA NOMINATE MARK SANFORD.
Herm: REPUBLICANS ARE GOING TO GO 5-11.
Dave: I agree that this is not a good sign for Republicans and that if Sanford wins; they’re supposed to rebrand but they’ll have a congressman who violated a restraining order against his ex-wife and treated his children horribly. He’ll also be arguably the most famous Republican congressman. The party has to hope that a credible primary challenger emerges in 2014.
Jon: I HEAR YA – GOTTA TAKE THEM DOWN FROM WITHIN. BUT WHEN THE RAIDERS DID THAT WITH ME THEY ENDED UP WITH BILL CALLAHAN. SO HOW DO WE KNOW THAT THEY WOULDN’T BE WORSE OFF WITH SOMEONE ELSE? YOU THINK SOME OTHER TEA PARTY NUT WOULD BE AN IMPROVEMENT?
Herm: SOUTH CAROLINA DOESN’T CARE IF YOU WEAR A TRICORNER HAT LIKE A LOON.
Dave: Keep in mind that South Carolina has returned Jim DeMint and Joe Wilson to Congress. It’s a conservative state that elects conservative politicians. Sanford was popular before his personal failings became public.
Jon: I HEAR YA. AND HOW ABOUT THIS ELIZABETH COLBERT BUSCH? JUST BECAUSE YOUR BROTHER HAS A SATIRICAL TALK SHOW IT DOESN’T MEAN YOU SHOULD GO TO CONGRESS.
Herm: JAY GRUDEN IS NOT QUALIFIED.
Dave: Well she has an impressive resume in her own right. She’s done a lot of work with the Port of Charleston and that’s a big deal in a maritime district.
Jon: RIPARIAN EXPERIENCE WILL ONLY GET YOU SO FAR THOUGH. YOU NEED TO HAVE EXPERIENCE ON LAND AND SEA TO BE A REAL GRUDEN GRINDER.
Herm: WE NEED A MARINE FOR SOUTH CAROLINA.
Dave: I’m afraid I’ve lost you.
Jon: THAT’S OK BECAUSE WE’RE OUT OF TIME ON GRUDEN TALK. PLAY US SOME SOUF CACK MUSIC BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS.
Herm: YOU KNOW HOOTIE AND THE BLOWFISH BE REPPING THE PALMETTO STATE.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news and humor before everyone else.