Jon: WELCOME BACK TO GRUDEN TALK, THE TALK SHOW WHERE WE DISCUSS THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUES OF THE DAY. BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS, DO YOU KNOW ABOUT CRACK COCAINE?
Herm: YOU CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST WHILE YOU’RE ON CRACK SO I DON’T SMOKE CRACK.
Jon: AMEN BROTHER. THOUGH I WONDER IF IT HELPS YOU GRIND TAPE. ANYWAY WE GOT QUEENS UNIVERSITY PROFESSOR JONATHAN ROSE HERE TO DISCUSS WHY THE MAYOR OF TORONTO WAS SMOKING CANADIAN CRACK. HOW YA DOIN JONATHAN?
Jonathan: I’m doing well, thank you.
Jon: DOES CANADA STILL HAVE A QUEEN? THAT’D EXPLAIN WHY THEY PUNT ON THIRD DOWN. ONLY PEOPLE WHO TAKE CHANCES WILL OVERTHROW THEIR MONARCH.
Herm: THEY GO FOR IT ON FOURTH DOWN IN FRANCE.
Jonathan: Canada is part of the Dominion so the queen is technically head of state, though she is not head of government.
Jon: SO DID SHE APPOINT THE GUY SMOKING CRACK AS YOUR MAYOR? LEMME TELL YA, YOU CAN’T LET A TYRANT APPOINT UNQUALIFIED PEOPLE. THAT’S HOW THE RAIDERS ENDED UP WITH TOM CABLE.
Jonathan: No, Canada is allowed to elect its own government. Toronto elected Ford as mayor.
Jon: WELL WHY THE HELL WOULD THEY DO THAT? YOU CANUCKS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE A BUNCH OF POT-SMOKING GAY-MARRYING LEFTIES BUT YOU ELECT THIS NUT WHO HATES BIKES AND ASIANS.
Herm: ROB FORD NEVER GETS THAI FOOD DELIVERED.
Jonathan: Well Ford was very popular among blue-collar Torontonians. Also, Canada has two left-of-centre parties but only one right wing party. Ford’s opponents split the liberal vote and it allowed him to get elected with a plurality.
Jon: YOU GOTTA SPLIT THE OPPOSITION WITH SOME COUNTER MOVES AND SOME PLAY ACTION. ROB FORD MIGHT SMOKE CRACK BUT HE KNOWS HOW TO CONFUSE THE OPPOSITION. SO WAS ROB FORD SMOKING CRACK BACK WHEN HE USED THESE TACTICS TO OVERCOME THE OPPOSITION?
Jonathan: I have no idea how long Mayor Ford has had a crack problem but he’s behaved quite erratically during his tenure. He insulted a number of different political constituencies and was briefly removed from office because he violated conflict of interest laws.
Jon: I’D LIKE TO THINK CRACK IS A CONFLICT OF INTEREST. IF YOU’RE ZONKED OUT OF YOUR MIND ON THAT JUNK THERE’S NO WAY YOU CAN SHED BLOCKS, EXECUTE A SWIM MOVE, OR CONTAIN THE RUN WITH ANY EFFICIENCY.
Herm: UNLESS YOU’RE LAWRENCE TAYLOR.
Jonathan: The conflict-of-interest case actually arose when Ford voted not to penalise himself for receiving improper reimbursements.
Jon: YOU LET HIM CALL HIS OWN PENALTIES? THAT’S WORSE THAN REPLACEMENT REFS. LEMME TELL YA, YOU CANUCKS SURE GOT THINGS SCREWED UP. YOUR MAYORS SMOKE CRACK, YOU GOT THE QUEEN ON YOUR MONEY, YOU PUNT ON THIRD DOWN AND YOU GOT SINGLETS.
Herm: THE FIELD IS 110 YARDS AND THAT IS A WEIRD NUMBER.
Jon: AND YOU CALL YOUR MONEY LOONIES. IN AMERICA, A LOONIE IS SOMEONE LIKE BARRETT ROBBINS.
Jonathan: I’ve totally lost track of this conversation.
Jon: WELL YOU’RE CANADIAN SO YOU’RE PROBABLY SMOKING CRACK OR SOMETHING. ANYWAY, THAT’S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE ON GRUDEN TALK. PLAY US OFF, HERM EDWARDS 7.
Herm: LET’S GET SOME NEIL YOUNG UP IN THIS PIECE. HEART OF GOLD ON 3!
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news and humor before everyone else.