Hey folks, with Christmas Ape on his Lord of the Rings walkabout it fell on me to fisk noted enemy of Messrs. Strunk and White Peter King this week.  Will Peter King quote his good buddy Donnie Brasco?  Will he take everything that Tom Brady says at face value?  Can I ask even more leading questions?  Read on to find out!

Considering what a transcendent talent Tom Brady is, the career he’s had, and that he turns 36 in 11 weeks, this statement he made to me over the weekend is significant: “Going into my 14th year, I have never had more confidence in how I am throwing the football. I’ve never felt better throwing the football.”

Because Peter King believes everything that he hears.  When Richard Nixon said “I am not a crook” young Peter said “Show’s over folks, nothing to see here, Agnew is the man to beat in 1976.”

It’s May. Brady has averaged 36 touchdowns, eight picks and 4,654 passing yards over his last three seasons, and he feels better about his arm and his mechanics than he ever has. Were those shudders I just felt coming out of Orchard Park, Florham Park and South Florida?

Those shudders actually sprang from fears of dying in a snowdrift, butt fumbles and hooker moms, respectively.

The Patriots’ three Super bowl wins were all by three points. The two Super Bowl losses were keyed by a Velcro catch by the Giants’ fifth receiver, and, in the second loss, a Wes Welker missed catch and an underthrown Brady pass that was picked off. Remember: There’s been a very fine line between Super Bowl wins and losses for New England. Without a franchise pass rusher or corner this season, the Patriots are likely to be as dependent on Brady as ever. Or more.

In the alternative, the Patriots are two Adam Vinatieri field goals and Donovan McNabb not throwing up on himself away from having no Super Bowl wins.

How do you not feel sick for David Garrard?

Because I feel sick for people with real problems?

You will never see me. Somebody else might do some things, but not me. I text, though. I got to the point where I can text, I can call and do those things. So I’m getting pretty good. I really don’t want anyone to know what I’m doing. I really don’t think what I’m doing is that important. People don’t have to know what I’m doing. It’s no one’s business but mine.”

– Mike Ditka, on why he will not use Twitter, to the Chicago Sun-Times.

Without MMQB we wouldn’t know that Mike Ditka is a dumb old coot! Instead we’d have to watch ESPN’s Sunday Morning Football Holocaust to figure that out.

“There’s no real sense the sky is falling in Cleveland and that Haslam’s legal troubles will seriously imperil his ownership.”

 SI.com’s Don Banks, writing on Friday about the state of Browns owner Jimmy Haslam’s stewardship of the team. Informative read.

King is such a shitty journalist.  Banks wrote an article that noted that the NFL owners didn’t want to talk about Haslam but it was too early to know anything.  Your standard offseason story churn.  King read it and figured “oh he’s fine” and cut out the “but for now” preceding the quote because PK’s gotta stick up for those hard luck owners.  That “but for now” exists because Haslam hasn’t even been indicted yet.  But if you look at the search warrant for Haslam’s computer and personal effects you realize that unless he’s been on the golf course for the past five years then he’s probably going to jail.  But Peter King has an out-of-context quote from DONNIE BRASCO HIMSELF.  HE CALLS HIM THAT BECAUSE HE GOT A HAND JIBBER FROM AN OLIVE GARDEN WAITRESS.

The Atlanta Falcons do not have a John or George or David or Chris or Daniel or Mark — six of the 20 most common male names in the United States, according to the 2000 Census — on their current 90-man roster.

I know you’re lazy but can you at least use the 2010 Census?  Do you also use maps that have the USSR on them?

Best thing about living in Manhattan: walking.

I was in a hurry twice in the past week. The first time, I was rushing from my East Side apartment to the SI offices in midtown. It’s a walk of about 17 minutes. I didn’t have 17 minutes. Midday. Jumped in a cab. Got three blocks. Turned right onto 51st Street. Sat for a minute. Big bottleneck at 51st and Lexington ahead. Inched forward through two, three four light changes. Paid the guy. Got out and walked. Aaaargh.

The second time, I was late getting home from the office. About 5:15 p.m. and Avenue of the Americas (you might know it as Sixth Avenue) was a parking lot. I knew I wouldn’t save time in a cab. Walked again.

Nobody who lives here that doesn’t live in a Starbucks-Time Life Building bubble calls it Avenue of the Americas.  Every New Yorker calls it Sixth Avenue, Other Peter King local tips:

  • For some authentic New York Italian flavor skip out on the big chains and check out Sbarro.
  • While other people are stuck in tourist traps go to the top of the Empire State Building.
  • There sure are a lot of bridges here.  More than 5!  He counted!
  • Friends took place in a coffee shop called Central Perk.  Did you know that’s a play on words for Central Park?  It’s a nice little park that’s located a bit far uptown but worth the trip.

I like walking. It’s just that, when you’re in a hurry in New York, it doesn’t matter. Everything above ground is in quicksand.

If I didn’t have to run from 34th street to Grand Central in flip flops last week because the 4-5-6 was stalled for reasons that could not be enunciated over the subway loudspeaker then I’d agree with him.  Yes I realize that I shouldn’t wear flip flops in New York City, but I like to live dangerously.

“Oxbow > Tebow”

– @art_stapleton, who covers the Giants and the NFL for The Record in New Jersey, after the underdog horse stunned the field and won the Preakness on Saturday.

Every time a beat writer cracks a joke that MensHumor could have made Peter King goes from 6 to 12.

“I’m still here and always will be. I’m too strong for ridicule and the childish extremes those will do to try and taint a persons name when in reality you make me stronger, hungrier and more determined.”

– @bbwolf94, Buffalo pass rusher Mario Williams, in an apparent shot at his former fiancée, Erin Marzouki. The two broke up last November, and she will not return the $785,000 engagement ring he bought for her. 

BREAKING: Mario Williams needs a better Twitter handle. Let’s ask KSK relationship expert Biff King for his take on this

“What are you doing giving your lady a ring costing that much?  You only need 20,000 Skoal points for them glass earrings.  Just hammer that into a ring and drop that 785 large something you need, like a monster truck.  Make sure you get it some snow tires because you chose to live in Buffalo you dumbass.”

“Sad to see The Office go and while the cast is spectacular, it hasn’t been the same without Michael Scott. Like Curb without Larry David.”

– @RaysJoeMaddon, the Tampa Bay manager, showing his depth of TV education.

Love how Maddon can multitask. He can figure a way to survive with David Price on the DL at the same time as watching the last episode of The Office.

Like baseball managers have to work.  Forget The Office, I’m just impressed that he’s not tweeting about watching The Price Is Right every day.

5. I think the Seahawks’ six suspensions for positive tests in the last two calendar years — only five players were sanctioned, because Richard Sherman’s ban last year was thrown out due to chain-of-custody issues — will make the 2014 free-agent period and draft very interesting for Seahawks GM John Schneider and coach Pete Carroll. They’ll almost have to draft and pursue Eagle Scouts because of all the recent violations; Seattle will have to show it’s serious about acquiring disciplined and mature players.

Or you could note that the Seahawks almost made the NFC Championship Game last year and should probably keep doing what works for them.  Hey Pete Carroll, do you think you can live with some guys who get dinged for using Adderall?

Yeah, I thought so.  Also, Richard Sherman was found innocent through a duly bargained-for process.  The fact that he doesn’t meet the criteria of Peter King’s Adderall starchamber means shit.

7. I think — no, I know — I love the Chiefs hiring Chris Ault, the innovator of the pistol offense, from the University of Nevada, as a consultant to the coaching staff. Too many people view this hire as one to help the Chiefs either adapt the short shotgun or defend against it. Surely that’s part of Ault’s lure. But it’s more. Ault’s an imaginative coach, not a one-trick pony. Andy Reid’s not going to pigeon-hole Ault into a corner and not listen to what he has to say about the modern game.

Or Ault could be a typical consultant and pull in six figures to mail in his job for 20 hours a week.   Dude’s 66, I don’t think he’ll be watching tape until 2 am every day.

j. What a calm goal-scorer Sidney Crosby is. 

That’s because of the concussion.

p. Beernerdness: I know I’ve recommended a good beer when tweet after tweet tells me how good Allagash White is. You’re welcome.

Allagash White is for old ladies who like chardonnay  but want to try beer.

Three-four, or four-three? 
For Freeney, that’s the question. 
Hey dude: Just get sacks.

Another fucking haiku.  Now, Rick Reilly deservedly received shit for his abcb shittastic poem with no meter.  But PK gets to write these ass haikus every week and nobody blasts him for it.  That has to change. .

Haikus are supposed to be hard.  They’re supposed to constrain you to putting the reader into a specific place and time with only 17 syllables.  If you’re talented you can do that, like Richard Wright with the following:

Coming from the woods
A bull has a lilac sprig
Dangling from a horn

Now that’s an economic use of language.  But Peter King has the second grade view of haikus – he thinks they’re there to show him how syllables work. He might as well do acrostics.  Look at that piece of crap poem above, does it put you in a time and place?  Does it tell you anything new?  No, it’s just Peter King trying to show us he’s as smart as the average 7-year-old.  He already noted earlier that Freeney is still going to play in a 3-4, and his shitbird poem adds no new information.  It’s a travesty that King gets paid to write that.  If I were a poet, I’d garrote Peter King with my unemployment check.