Ufford’s traveling, so I’m covering mailbag duties again this week in his absence. The fine Captain was kind enough to leave behind this message for everyone:

A note for the readers: since the Yahoo! Answers mailbag last week, we’ve been flooded with more mailbag questions than we’ve gotten   — total – since about Christmas. If you’ve written in, we’ll try to prioritize time-sensitive emails while working through this glorious new backlog. Thanks to all for writing.

This week, we’ve got fantasy football virgins, moles, #teamfingerinthebutt, keeping your fantasy league interesting, do people call or text for dates these days, how to decide if you want to have kids, hope for the Cleveland Browns, coworkers, crazy ex, a guy tired of being solo and of course, a picture of Alison Brie, because you cannot put any post on the internet without her. It’s true. Al Gore invented her.

To the mailbag!

Dear KSK,

Fantasy Football first: So I’m a fantasy football virgin. I watch lots of games, and you know, know the game pretty damn well, so I won’t be flying blind. At least, not completely blind. Imma have my brother like, tutor me on how to put together a balanced team, but I figure I’ll do decently so long as I don’t do anything super dumb. So I ask you: What are some of the biggest dumbass mistakes to avoid for first time fantasy football players? I figure if I know what like, I REALLY SHOULDN’T do, I’ll be able to kinda piece the rest together.

Know how your league’s scoring works before the draft. Know how the quarterback’s yardage, touchdowns and interceptions will or will not be weighed. (I will never understand leagues were interceptions don’t have at least a minor penalty on a quarterback.) Scoring makes the biggest impact in fantasy football and it’s the one thing that gets overlooked in the heat of the draft. Be sure to keep up with training camp injuries, nothing is more embarrassing than being the one in the room who picks a player you didn’t know tore their ACL the night before.

Oh, and don’t drink too much if you’re having an actual draft party. People full of whisky and beer make the worst mistakes during a draft. Some friends of mine held their draft out in Vegas this past summer and when I looked at everyone’s rosters, I could tell who stayed reasonably sober and the ones who had wasted their fantasy football entry money before the season had even started because they were drunk. Sure they had a fun day, but the remaining three months were awful for their teams.

Sex next: So I’m getting a subletter for the summer, and she’s from the internet. She’s also very attractive. We’ve been exchanging FB messages and skyping, talking about stuff, and generally getting along well. I’m also kind of getting a flirting vibe.

Now, obviously, I’m not going to initiate anything. That would be super creeper bad awful jesus god why territory. But if she does, I’m wondering if I should go with it.

I mean, we’re getting along fine over chat and skype, but on the off chance something bad happens, wouldn’t the rest of the summer just suck? I may be misreading her, maybe, but this seems like something that could very easily turn into something that makes life suck.

On the other hand, it could be awesome, no-strings sexy summertime fun.

WHAT DO I DO
Love,
Drunk Papa John

The good news is you realize you shouldn’t make a move and you shouldn’t do anything without her initiating things first. But let’s call this what it is; a mild, probably innocent internet flirtation to get to know each other before living with each other for the summer. Some people, both male and female, are flirty by nature because it’s disarming and puts everyone at ease — until someone actually develops some sort of crush the other party does not reciprocate.

If you’ve been reading the mailbag long enough, you’ve probably seen a pattern emerge; no-strings sexy fun usually has strings attached. This woman is going to be living with you, and if she’s subletting from you, paying you money for the living space. Think of it as a the business relationship that it is and keep it professional; she pays you for a safe place to sleep, you make some extra money by renting her the place. Getting along with your roommate is important, no matter how short of the time period and sex could just make it complicated. If you guys are still ready to claw at each other like weasels at the end of the summer and your relationship has grown to the point where sex would strengthen your bind and not ruin your friendship, it’s up to you if you still want to accept her advances. Her clear advances.

**********

Dear KSK,
Lately I’ve been… well, there’s no way to put it, I’ve been #teamfingerinthebutt. During sex, I really enjoy sticking my finger in a girl’s butt. It’s fun, they like it, I like it, everyone’s a happy party. But I’ve been wanting to try the reverse. You know, a finger up mine. If I were in a relationship, It’d be no problem “Hey, honey, this may be odd, but…” Unfortunately, I’m not in one. Just right now a lot of casual hook ups and one night stands. Any thoughts on how I can make that happen? Other than you know, basic honesty and not being ashamed of myself?

Congratulations on being on #teamfingerinthebutt. Didn’t know it had formed a hashtag, but I guess that’s something we don’t put on our lunch Tweets. Anyway, you seem to have a solid understanding of what you like sexually which is commendable and now you just need to get yourself into place to ask partners for some help getting it.

Since you seem uncomfortable with coming out and asking for it from one-night stands (understandable), but you don’t have an issue with trying it with casual partners, it’s really going to be up to you ask for it or nudge her in the right direction to see if she is game for trying it. My advice would be that the next time you find another member of #teamfingerinthebutt and everyone’s relaxed and having a good time, you gently suggest, “You like that? Why not try it on me?” If she’s open, you got your wish. You may not even be the first guy who has asked for it. (#teamfingerinthebutt #straightmale has more members than you think it does.) If she’s off-put by the idea, well, the worst that happened is you’re still hooking-up and now have the confidence gained by finding out the world doesn’t end when your respective request was denied. And who knows, maybe your partner wasn’t game for it this time, but at least you’ve opened the dialogue that maybe on your next casual get together she will try it. Like most things in life, you won’t know until you ask.

As for fantasy, I wrote in this time last year and asked: Now that it’s obvious that RGIII is going to the Skins, what’s a reasonable spot to draft him. Is he sixth round material?

And you said

Ladies and gentlemen: Redskins fans.

I would not like to criticize you because one, I know fantasy advice is always a crapshoot and no one could have predicted RGIII and I agree, Redskins fans are the worst… Fuck I was about to say something, then I remembered who we lost to in the playoffs. DAMN YOU UFFORD. I’m not even gonna send a sexy pic for the bag. Fucking Seahawks.

Ufford is not here to defend himself on this one, so we’ll just leave this here so you can bask in your rightness and his wrongness. Karmically though, your second round pick next season is going to blow out their knee in Week 2 for your gloating.

But agreed, screw Seattle.

**********

Dear KSK,
not really sex but kinda… My wife and I got married at 31 (me) and 29… We have an amazing marriage and sex life… I’m 33, she will 32 in May. We have been married 2.5 years now and our dilemma is kids… We aren’t ready for them yet and want to wait to have them, if at all However, my wife is worried that birth defects are more common in women once they hit 35…. If we had married 3-4 years earlier, this probably wouldn’t be an issue as we would have more time before kids “change everything”. We usually go on 2-3 big vacations a year (Vegas, Denver, and 10 days in Dubai in 2013. We also live in Chicago and love the idea of walking everywhere, public transportation, no car, etc…

I can see myself never having kids but 1. our families would be unhappy (I realize our lives, not theirs) and 2. we’re both afraid that we’ll be 45 and look back and wish we had…. my wife has even made comments like “i want to have fraternal twins, one boy one girl.. to get it out of the way.” any ideas, thoughts would be appreciated.

Whoa boy. This one hits a little close to home. I don’t know if I can give you specific advice, but I can tell you what I have gone through myself when it comes to the decision to have kids.

It sounds like you guys really need to sit down and really hash out if you really want to have kids. Immediately. Because if one of you sort of wants to and the other absolutely doesn’t want to, this is going to be a problem down the line. You said you “can see myself never having kids” but you didn’t say you could also see yourself having kids. Both you and your wife need to really address how you feel about having children and soon. Yourselves, no worries about what your families want or what you think your lives will be like once you have kids. I know many couples who seem to have nearly the exact same life with kids as they did before kids when it comes to going out and travelling, and I know many couples who may have reduced the number of vacations they go on, but are satisfied with the tradeoff. You may have had the baby talk before marriage (hopefully) but now the discussion has to be serious.

It is complete bullshit that we (women) have this very limited time frame to get our lives together and have a kid if we want one. In my late-twenties I broke-up with a man I loved dearly and had lived with for nearly three years because he knew in his heart he never wanted to have kids and was never going to change. I dated some, eventually met the man who would become my husband and we took it very slowly because we had both been burned in previous relationships. We didn’t live together for the first couple of years, we waited to get married for a bit after that and while we knew we wanted to have kids, we kept waiting for the “perfect time” where both of our careers were on track, we had a bigger place, all the things you need before having a child. Next thing you know you’re in your late-thirties and it’s not as easy as you think it’s going to be to get pregnant. There are endless tests, constantly peeing on sticks to figure out if it’s a good night for sex or not, pricing IVF and surrogacy options, and this is even before you start looking at how hard the adoption process is in this country once you are over a certain age. I’ve seen this process push couples to their absolutely limit, even when both parties are 100% sure they want to have kids, so if either of you has any hesitancy it’s going to make this journey all the rougher.

Which brings me back to the honest discussion you need to have with your wife about having children and sorting through all of your fears and your desires for the future. Talk about it as many times as you need to make sure everyone’s desires have been expressed. It was huge relief when my husband and I reached the point of, “You know, if we’re going to try to do this, we need to do this now.” We both have a small amount of reget about waiting eight years before reaching that point because maybe it would have been easier if we had tried sooner, but we also had the eight years of a building a strong relationship to help us with the trying now. I credit those late-night walks and talks about babies for bringing us even closer and the knowledge that if we are not able to have children, we still have a fulfilling relationship without them, which also important point to reach together if you are thinking of delaying pregnancy.

It may sound silly at your age, but go get physicals now if you’re even just thinking about the “might” of having kids. It may change the tenor of your conversations. Really, go get a physical either way. It’s just good health.

As far as living in Chicago, some of my best friends live on the North Side with kids and they’re still riding the El, having fabulous dinners outs and everything else you people in Chicago seem to hold dear. Just because you have a child doesn’t mean you walk out of the hospital and you have to drive straight to Elgin.

football question: any hope for my brownies… being from Cleveland sucks

-Kid Cleveland

As a Steeler fan, one of my biggest fears is the Browns being good again. For the past couple of years, I keep thinking this is the year my worries are going to come true. Trent Richardson’s a monster and I cannot wait to see what he looks like in a season when he’s not playing injured. We may joke about Norv Turner, but I have to think he knew something about running a team in San Diego and if given enough time by Flying-J Haslam and Chud, he might be able to build a complete offense around him.

**********

Dear Kate Upton Lover -

I am going to ignore the football question because, right now, who cares?

Well, the schedule does come out today and I do care about that. Draft next week, we’ll care some more then. But yeah, in general, I hear you.

Sex. This is more of an ex-girlfriend question. I am an attorney. I dated another attorney for about 4 months. She was/is super hot. Easily the hottest girl I have been with. A minor problem…. she was a major c—. (Feel free to amend my language.)

I did. I hate that word when it’s not being used by British people.

I mean she started out nice, but has a repulsive personality. Very superficial, calculating, mean, and would lose her temper at the drop of a hat. I stuck it out for a few months, but then wised up when she told me I shouldn’t hang out with my best friend because since he was a high school teacher and had nothing of value to offer me since I had higher social standing (and more money).

Man, what a real c-word.

When I broke up with her, she said “You are not breaking up with me! I am breaking up with you!” Whatever. Problem is, we share a mutual friend. We agreed not to talk trash about each other to the friend.

Anyway, long story short, we traded emails the other day about what to say to the mutual friend. I said, “I’m not going to say anything bad about the time we were dating.” She responds with “We were never dating! If you tell anyone that we were, I will destroy you.” I know I should let this go, but I feel like if I do, she will think she won. I am being dumb, right?

Your mutual friend probably isn’t dumb and might have an inkling that something happened between you too. If the mutual friend brings it up, you can say, “Yeah, it didn’t work out. I don’t really want to get into it.” You will win with strategy because if there is anything we know about mean crazy people is that they’re pretty predictable about showing off that they’re mean crazy people. You look like a gentleman, she looks bad.

Last point, so there is no confusion. I do not want to date, bang or spend another minute with this chick ever again. So, I feel like now is a good a time as any to be a dick. Thoughts?
Thanks.
– Not a not a lawyer fan

No, don’t be a dick, because not only do you lose face and make the the mean crazy person look sane, you risk losing the mutual friend.

**********

Dear KSK,
Time-filling offseason question: What’s your take on the etiquette of changing your team’s name midseason? On the one hand, I appreciate that people might get used to seeing teams associated with one name after a few weeks. On the other hand, what if I come up with something brilliant that just eluded me in the preseason?

Personally, I cannot remember what anyone’s team names are during the season, so if you want to change your team name I don’t think it’s a big deal.

Sex (tangentially): I recently met a girl through a mutual friend and she seemed terrific – beautiful, bright, has a good job, shares a few interests with me. We talked for an hour or so and hit it off. She left before I was able to get her number, but this being 2013, I added her on Facebook and we exchanged phone numbers via a couple of flirty messages. Then I called her and left a voicemail. That was over a week ago, and I never heard back. I suppose perhaps she didn’t get the message, or she’s not interested, although I would have at least expected some sort of response given that, you know, we did connect on some level and she did give me her number and suggest she was interested in meeting again. C’est la vie and so forth.

Hate that. Someone tells you to call them and you do and then they don’t respond, especially when they said they would want to hangout.

However… I mentioned this to a buddy of mine and a female coworker and both of them were stunned that I’d actually called her. They said it was a mistake and that I should have texted her, because calling is too forward. They even suggested that she hadn’t responded precisely because I called her and left a message. I know anyone born after 1990 has been texting since middle school, but I’m in my early thirties and this girl is in her late twenties. If I’m already asking her out, it’s not as if I’m playing coy by texting her instead. Are my friends right? Is calling a thing of the past? I don’t even like talking on the phone, but I weep if we’ve reached that point in our interpersonal interactions.
D’Jasper Probincrux III
East Carolina University

I don’t think calling is a thing of the past. Single friends tell me there are still phone calls involved, which I find comforting. You said you were Facebook pals. Has there been any updates like, “I’ve fallen down a a well and my phone is about to die so if I don’t get back to you, know this is where I am?” No? Well, if you left her a voicemail the other week and you haven’t heard back, I see no harm in shooting her a text now and seeing how it plays. You could even over the course of the texting back and forth ask if there is a good time you could speak on the phone to make plans to go out if you haven’t already asked her out via text. That doesn’t seem too forward to me.

If she ends up un-friending you on Facebook, then I’d lay off.

**********

Dear Matt,

It’s me Sarah, so I hope you’re not disappointed you didn’t get Matt.

I see you asking for sex and fantasy questions and, since I have enjoyed the column for years (Has it been years? I think it has), I feel I need to do my part.

The entire KSK Family thanks you for your contribution. It’s nice to have an active community around here.

Fantasy: I run a league that was originally established amongst a bunch of co-workers. It has been nearly a decade, so most of us work for different companies and the fun, season-long camaraderie is gone. I still jump through flaming hoops to get as many guys together for a live draft, but the whole thing is like NASCAR – the best event is at the beginning of the season. Any tips for a commish that needs to keep it exciting throughout the year?

Sure this isn’t a sex question on how to keep it interesting?

To be honest, almost all leagues grow a little stale over the years. It’s to be expected. Switching some people out of the league can make a difference, but obviously bringing in the right new person is a crapshoot and may cause some hurt feelings, but if you know of someone looking to maybe give up the game, it might be time to shake it up a bit. Maybe people will have better suggestions in the comments.

Sex: What do you do when your loved one develops something that turns you off? In my case, I have a hang up with moles. My wife is awesome. She is a stellar mom, beautiful with an unreal body, big green eyes, a great personality, and she has a masters in mechanical engineering. As a bonus, she loves to watch sports. I live a charmed live. The problem is that, on her back, she has developed a mole. A big, nasty brown one that pops out and is about the size of a dime. She has had it checked out and there isn’t a problem in terms of cancer, but the doctor told her it would hurt to have it removed. It is right around the bottom of the shoulder blade which is a spot my hand seems to run over far too often.

I get it. I have what thousands of other guys want and I have a Seinfeld-esque hang up. I just hate big nasty moles. I’d rather watch the Kevin Ware injury from 2 feet away than run my fingers over a brown, crusty skin protrusion. Any advice for motivating my wife to lance that bad boy or any sage insight that will help temper my gag reflex?
Thanks,
C-Man Molophobe

According to cancer.gov, we all pretty much have common moles on our bodies. If you’re wife doesn’t want to do something that she knows will hurt, who can blame her.

Think about your own body. There has to be something about it that is not perfect. Now realize your wife — a smart, fun, beautiful woman you described quite lovingly–  might herself be repulsed by this part of your body and has been quite on the issue and still has sex with you, hence the kids. If you fixate on the mole, that’s all you’re going to see.  So when you think about the mole, look at her great green eyes instead and be thankful she hasn’t said anything about your sixth toe, third nipple, curved spine, hairy earlobes, yellow teeth and increasingly wrinkled sack.

**********

Dear KSK,
I don’t play fantasy football so instead I’ll ask a half-assed quasi-fantasy football question – what do you think of those ‘predict the NFL draft’ pools? – and offer you this picture of hottie Alison Brie looking like a hot hottie.

Predicting the draft pools are for people who need an excuse to bet on things but are afraid to play the ponies. Alison Brie is talented and pretty.

Sex (by which I mean the exact opposite of sex): I’m 35 and have been single for fifteen years. I swore off dating and have been genuinely happy doing so. In the meantime I got a Ph.D. and have been working in a steady job I love for about 5 ½ years. I don’t really have any problems with confidence or social anxiety etc. – I make friends quite easily – I’m just a very independent and private guy who’s most comfortable being alone.

Not sure why you swore off dating but you seem pretty happy in your career and life.

Then recently the old cliché happened – I fell in love with someone. I wasn’t looking for it; it just happened. I asked her out and was shot down. She gave me two very good reasons: (1) she’s already seeing someone and (2) she doesn’t date coworkers. Oh that’s right, did I mention she’s a coworker? I’ve been reading the mailbag long enough to know your feelings on the whole dating coworkers thing, and although I appreciate your arguments against it we’ll just have to agree to disagree on that. Please hear me out anyway. I’ve never felt this way about anyone, and even though I don’t have a lot of experience with the ladies it’s not like I haven’t met any during my time being single. I’ve had crushes before and this is definitely more than just a crush. My feelings grew slowly over about a year of getting to know her. Don’t get me wrong, as I said I’ve been genuinely happy being single up until now and don’t exactly go around hitting on coworkers out of habit. This girl would be the exception to the rule.The fact that I was ready to break a fifteen-year-long promise I made to myself to stay away from relationships should tell you how strongly I feel about her.

I don’t object to people dating coworkers as adamantly as Matt does, but I do object to people pursing people who have already said no and are in a relationship already. You may feel that strongly about her and if you truly do, you need to respect the fact she’s already involved with someone else. Someone else cares enough about not date other people. If you care about her, don’t put her in a position to make her hurt your feelings.

So I have two questions: First, any advice on how to get over this girl? I know about your six months/one year rule but what’s the time frame for a girl you never even got a chance to go out with in the first place? Even though I’ve resigned myself to the fact that we’ll probably never be together it’s been two months since I asked her out and I’m still miserable and can’t stop thinking about her. We share a relatively small workplace (about 100 employees) so having to see her almost every day obviously isn’t helping. Short of getting a new job or jumping back into the dating scene – two things I definitely DON’T want to do – I’m out of ideas. Coincidentally I started ‘the Ufford Plan’ a few months back and it’s been working like gangbusters (been putting in overtime at work, taken up cooking, and lost 70 pounds).

Second, I’m a big believer in the idea that if you want something badly enough you have to go for it (you know, carpe diem and all that), but how much do you think that should apply to relationships (both in the general sense and in my situation specifically)? Me telling this girl something to the effect of “I know you’re seeing someone and don’t date coworkers but I really think we should be together because…” strikes me as both romantic and creepy desperate stalker-y. Any words of wisdom/encouragement/tough love are greatly appreciated.

The tough love answer is that you already asked her out and she’s in a relationship. You have said repeatedly you like your job and your career and don’t want to look for a new one. If you keep pursuing her, you’re going to end up having to find a new job if you want to or not, because it’s either going to make the workplace miserable for you or someone in HR is going to have a talk with you about how you are making your coworker uncomfortable with your continued advances. Neither one of those options sounds good.

The modern ideal of “carpe diem” is all go for it no matter what (thanks Robin Williams for ruining it for us Classics majors), but Horace was telling his fellow Romans to seize opportunity when it presents itself, and this is not an opportunity, this is a desire and a wish into the wind.

How do you get over it? Well, be happy for her in her relationship, enjoy her friendship and I hate to say it, but you really need to rethink is this not dating thing and meet other women. You cook, you’re getting in shape, you have a job you like. Women you don’t work with and are single will find these qualities very attractive.

Listen, it may always sting that you didn’t get to date your coworker. I can’t promise that feeling will ever go away, but I can say that its sharpness will dull over time.

Signed,
Han Really-Solo

AND YOU LIKE STAR WARS. Jeez buddy, get out there and date already. Some woman who also likes Star Wars (there’s a lot of us!) is waiting for you.