Jon: WELCOME TO GRUDEN TALK, THE TALK SHOW WHERE WE DISCUSS THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUES OF THE DAY.  BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS, DID YOU SEE THERE WAS A FERTILIZER EXPLOSION IN TEXAS A COUPLE OF WEKKS AGO?

Herm: WHEN BATSHIT IS INVOLVED THEN YOU KNOW I’M INTERESTED.

Jon: OF COURSE YA ARE.  ANYWAY, WE GOT FORMER HEAD OF THE ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION AGENCY CHRISTIE TODD WHITMAN HERE TO EXPLAIN JUST HOW A FERTILIZER EXPLOSION COULD HAPPEN LIKE THIS.  HOW YA DOIN’, CHRISTIE?

Christie: I’m doing well, Jon.

Jon: SO CHRISTIE, EXPLAIN TO ME HOW THE EPA DIDN’T KEEP THIS EXPLOSION FROM HAPPENING.

Christie: Well the chemical industry has never liked the EPA so they’ve always tried to escape its jurisdiction.

Jon: I HEAR YA.  IF MY PRODUCTS CAUSED POLLUTION I’D TRY TO AVOID THE EPA TOO.  A LOT OF COUNTER PLAYS, PLAY ACTION, ZONE READS, TYPICAL EVASIVE MANUEVERS.

Herm: THE CHEMICAL INDUSTRY IS A THREAT TO RUN AND A THREAT TO PASS.

Jon: SO CHRISTIE, HOW DID THE CHEMICAL INDUSTRY AVOID THE EPA?  DO THEY HAVE A MOBILE QUARTERBACK?

Christie: Well when I was the head of EPA the general counsel for the DHS, who happened to be Dick Cheney’s son-in-law, blocked the EPA from regulating fertilizer plants and put them under DHS jurisdiciton.

Jon: THIS SON-IN-LAW, I CALL HIM DAVID MODELL BECAUSE HE’S JUST AS BAD AS HIS OLD MAN.  ANYWAY, WHAT’S SO BAD ABOUT DHS REGULATING THIS PLANT?  GOTTA MAKE SURE THE MICHIGAN MILITIA DOESN’T BLOW UP ANOTHER BUILDING.

Christie: The problem is that DHS isn’t equipped to regulate fertilizer plants.  The plant in West had over 1,300 times the amount of ammonium nitrate necessary to trigger an explosion but the DHS didn’t even know about it.

Jon: LEMME TELL YA, THAT’S A TRULY EVASIVE MANEUVER BY THE CHEMICAL INDUSTRY.  THEY HAVE THE DHS THINKING RUN WHEN IT’S GONNA BE A DEEP BALL.

Herm: DHS IS NOT PROVIDING SAFETY HELP.

Jon: NOW MY NEXT QUESTION WAS WHY DID THEY LET THEM BUILD THIS PLANT SO CLOSE TO A SCHOOL?  YOU GOT KIDS PLAYING FOOTBALL AND COACHES GRINDING TAPE OVER THERE AND THEY COULD GET BLOWN TO HELL.  AND I NEED TO BE SAFE WHEN I’M GRINDING TAPE.

Christie: Well you know I used to be governor of New Jersey and it’s a state with pretty strong zoning regulations.  But Texas is a lot more lenient in that regard.  It makes life easier for developers but you can see how it can backfire in an instance like this.

Jon: I HEAR YA, UNINTENDED CONSEQUENCES OF CHANGING A RULE.  LIKE WHEN THE NFL CRACKED DOWN ON BLOWS TO THE HEAD AND IT LED TO MORE GUYS AIMING LOW FOR THE KNEES.

Herm: CAN YOU BLOW OUT AN ACL IN NEW JERSEY?

Christie: I’m not really sure what that has to do with the plant explosion

Jon: THAT’S OK BECAUSE WE’RE OUT OF TIME HERE ON GRUDEN TALK.  PLAY US OFF, HERM EDWARDS 7.

Herm: NONE OF MY EXES LIVE IN TEXAS, BUT GEORGE STRAIT’S SURE DO.  LET’S GO!