Jon: WELCOME TO GRUDEN TALK, THE TALK SHOW WHERE WE DISCUSS THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUES OF THE DAY.  BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS, HAVE YOU BEEN FOLLOWING THIS NORTH KOREA THING?

Herm: I LIVE ON THE WEST COAST SO I’VE BEEN TESTING MY HOMEMADE ANTI-INTERCONTINENTAL BALLISTIC MISSILES.

Jon: GOOD LUCK WITH THAT BUDDY.  ANYWAY WE HAVE FORMER U.S. AMBASSADOR TO SOUTH KOREA KATHLEEN STEVENS TO TELL US WHETHER WE SHOULD GET READY FOR WORLD WAR III.  KATHLEEN, HOW ARE YA?

Kathleen: I’m doing well.

Jon: I LIVE IN TAMPA, SAFEST CITY ON THE PLANET.  BUT SHOULD OUR VIEWERS ON THE WEST COAST BE AFRAID OF NORTH KOREAN MISSILES?

Kathleen: Not at all.  This is all just posturing by Kim Jong Un to consolidate power.  North Korea doesn’t have the range to hit the West Coast.

Jon: LEMME TELL YA, YOU DON’T NEED RANGE TO SUCCEED IN A WEST COAST OFFENSE.  BRAD JOHNSON, RICH GANNON, AARON BROOKS; THOSE GUYS COULDN’T HIT THE SIDE OF A BARN AT 20 YARDS BUT THEY CAN STILL THRIVE ON THE WEST COAST.

Herm: ANDY REID MIGHT BOMB PORTLAND.

Kathleen: No what I mean is that his missiles can’t hit the West Coast.  Kim Jon Un is just using this as a way to build up a cult of personality similar to his father’s.

Jon: I HEAR YA, THIS KIM I CALL HIM JIM MORA, JR. BECAUSE HE’S AN INCOMPETENT TRYING TO SHOW THAT HE’S AS GOOD AS HIS CRAZY OLD MAN.

Herm: PLAYOFFS?  YOU’RE NOT GONNA MAKE THE PLAYOFFS WITH AN AIR FORCE THAT BAD.

Kathleen: North Korea actually has a pretty sizable air force but it would be no match for a joint Korean-UN force.  It seems like DPRK won’t have China’s backing if it does attack South Korea so a war would be over pretty quick.

Jon: THIS NORTH KOREA, I CALL IT SHELDON ADELSON BECAUSE IT’D BE NOTHING WITHOUT CHINA GAMBLING ON IT.

Kathleen: Well China is the only reason why North Korea exists.  I suspect that Kim Jong Un won’t act without its approval or he’ll be doomed to fail.

Jon: I HEAR YA.  NORTH KOREA IS NOT ALLOWED TO CALL AN AUDIBLE AT THE LINE.  KIND OF LIKE DONOVAN MCNABB.  YOU LET HIM CALL HIS OWN PLAY AND IT ALWAYS ENDS WITH A RONDE BARBER INTERCEPTION.

Herm: KIM JONG UN HAS A BAD QUARTERBACK RATING.

Jon: MEANWHILE YOU GOTTA HAND IT TO THE SOUTH KOREANS.  LIVING IN THE SHADOW OF A MADMAN.  KIND OF LIKE WORKING FOR AL DAVIS.

Kathleen: Beg pardon?

Jon:  SOUTH KOREA JUST FLAT OUT KNOWS WHAT IT TAKES TO WIN.  EVER SINCE THE 1953 ARMISTICE THEY’VE BEEN PRACTICING AND STUDYING TAPE ON NORTH KOREA, PREPARING FOR THE NEXT BIG GAME.  AND IF NORTH KOREA WANTS TO PLAY, THEY’RE GONNA GET STOMPED.  THAT’S WHY SOUTH KOREA IS A GRUDEN GRINDER.

Herm: SOUTH KOREA IS THE FIRST PLAYER AT THE PRACTICE FACILITY AND THE LAST TO LEAVE.

Kathleen: I’m lost.

Jon: THAT’S OK BECAUSE WE’RE OUT OF TIME ON GRUDEN TALK.  PLAY US OFF, HERM EDWARDS 7

Herm: TIME FOR SOME GANGNAM STYLE!