Jon: WELCOME BACK TO GRUDEN TALK, THE TALK SHOW WHERE WE DISCUSS THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUES OF THE DAY. BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS, DID YOU PAY ATTENTION TO THE MARATHON BOMBING?
Herm: NOT ON CNN. THEY’RE LESS ACCURATE THAN BRODIE CROYLE.
Jon: THESE FIRST RESPONDERS, LEMME TELL YA, REAL GRUDEN GRINDERS. RISKING THEIR LIVES, SAVING OTHERS, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, WATCHING TAPE TO FIND THE BASTARDS WHO DID THIS. THERE AIN’T A PROBLEM ON EARTH THAT CAN’T BE SOLVED BY WATCHING TAPE.
Herm: WE’LL CURE CANCER BY WATCHING TAPE.
Jon: ANYWAY, THE BOMBERS ARE FROM RUSSIA SO WE GOT NYU PROFESSOR JANE BURBANK HERE TO EXPLAIN RUSSIA TO US.
Jane: Pleasure to be here, Coach Gruden.
Jon: COACH GRUDEN IS MY DAD’S NAME, YOU CAN CALL ME JON. UNLESS YOU CAN RUN A 4.5 40 IN WHICH CASE YEAH I’M COACH GRUDEN TO YA.
Jane: Well I should note that the Tsamaev brothers wouldn’t consider themselves Russian necessarily, but rather Chechnyan.
Jon: I HEAR YA. IT’S LIKE WHEN SOME JABRONI ASKS ME IF I’M FROM ST. PETERSBURG AND I TELL THEM THAT I AIN’T DEAD YET, I LIVE IN TAMPA.
Herm: RIDE FOR HILLSBOROUGH COUNTY, DIE FOR HILLSBOROUGH COUNTY.
Jane: Well it’s more complex than that. Chechens are originally from Southern Russia but they were seen as a fifth column during World War II and were expelled to Central Asia.
Jon: YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT FIFTH COLUMNS, THE WORST FIFTH COLUMN IS A BAD RUSH DEFENSE.
Herm: DEFENSIVE ENDS WHO CAN’T PLAY THE RUN ARE TRAITORS.
Jane: Well Chechens later returned to their homes in Southern Russia once the USSR collapsed but they later commenced a brutal war against the Russian government and their cities were destroyed.
Jon: THESE CHECHENS, I CALL THEM CHUCK BRESNAHANS BECAUSE THEY’VE BEEN JUST ABOUT EVERYWHERE. SO DID THE CHECHENS HAVE TO COME TO AMERICA TO FIND A COLLEGE COACHING GIG TOO?
Jane: Well the Tsamaev brothers most likely came to America to escape the brutal civil war that raged on there. But early reports indicate that the elder Tsamaev had trouble fitting in and lashed out against it. I don’t think he has ties to the Chechen separatist movement in Russia.
Jon: IF CHECHNYA REALLY WANTS TO SEPARATE THEY GOTTA HOLD OUT FOR MORE MONEY. KEYSHAWN JOHNSON DID THAT AND I COULDN’T WAIT TO GET RID OF HIM.
Herm: WE SHOULD SEND KEYSHAWN JOHNSON TO RUSSIA.
Jane: Uh, well, the Chechen separatist movement is a bit more complicated than that. They’re a people who’ve been subjugated for so long that it makes reconciliation almost impossible.
Jon: I HEAR YA, RECONCILIATION CAN BE TOUGH. I NEVER DID FORGIVE AL DAVIS FOR SUBJUGATING MY POWER RUNNING GAME. THE CHECHENS KNOW AS WELL AS I DO THAT A FLASHY AIR GAME MIGHT LOOK NICE, BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY YOU’RE ONLY GOING TO WIN IN THE TRENCHES.
Jane: I’m sorry, are you referring to the destruction of Grozny? I’m kind of lost.
Jon: THAT’S OK, BECAUSE WE’RE OUT OF TIME HERE ON GRUDEN TALK. PLAY US OFF, HERM EDWARDS 7.
Herm: WE’RE GONNA AUDIBLE TO BACK IN THE USSR, HERM EDWARDS 7.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news & humor before everyone else.