Mike McCoy: Greetings, men. I know this is early in the off-season to get us all together, but with me being your new coach, I wanted to get a face to each of your names. I also want you all to know that I, along with the front office, am working tirelessly to make the Chargers the best football team it can be in 2013 and beyond.

Antonio Gates: Great to hear it, coach. Lookin’ forward to this season.

Mike McCoy: Fantastic. Now, there is another matter that requires our attention. We are a team of men from greatly differing backgrounds and lifestyles. That’s a good thing. In my experience, it’s the teams that welcome diversity mesh even better than those composed of the same type of people. I’m of the opinion that how a man lives his life is his business so long as he is ready to work on my time. There’s been a lot of talk in the culture about whether homosexuals would be accepted in professional sports. There has even been talk that there is currently a gay player in the NFL. I don’t know whether that’s true, but frankly, it wouldn’t surprise me. It’s important that I begin my tenure with this team with the message that I will tolerate no homophobia of any kind, either within this locker room, or toward other teams. I am very serious about this and I make no exceptions. There will be dire consequences if I witness violations of this rule.

Eric Weddle: That’s not gonna sit well with Phil.

Robert Meachem: In fact, you probably should have made sure he was here when you said that.

Mike McCoy: Wait, Rivers isn’t here? Where is he?

[Door flies open]

Philip Rivers: Ya betta ask someboddddddddaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

Sorry I’m late, coach. Busy trying to smoke out the gay. Can you imagine, a BIG OL’ SISSY playing football? Makes me sick just thinking about it. I mighta touched one! I suppose the best place to start is right here. I like where your head’s at, coach. So what we doing? Having a hetero test? I’m game for that. I can do the missus in front of you, sure. I mean, she ain’t here, but I get can on the phone and have her here in 20.

Mike McCoy: I’m sorry, Phil, but that’s precisely the opposite of what I’m doing. I was just telling the team that I will tolerate none of the homophobia you just exhibited. That sort of behavior is not welcome on this team.

Philip Rivers: OH HORSESHIT! We finally get rid of Coach Scroteface and what happens? We replace him with a fag hag who looks like a Utah congressman. I know someone else about you: I already talked to the men in the front office and they said you don’t even have the self-destruct code for Peyton’s android neck. WHY THE HELL WE HIRE YOU FROM DENVER, THEN? YOU AIN’T NEVER DONE SHIT! You know what? You say what you want. I report to a higher power. Much higher than you. WHAT? HUH? WHAT? JESUS AND I ARE TIGHT AND HE DON’T LIKE THE QUEERS.

Mike McCoy: I’m not here to argue with your beliefs. All I ask is that you show respect for others.

Philip Rivers: I see what’s going on here. You’re some kind of hippie sleeper agent. ALEX JONES WARNED ME ABOUT YOUR KIND. Well, you ain’t coming for my guns and you sure as shit ain’t coming for my Bible. So you can take your faggy hippie storm trooper and hit the road.

Mike McCoy: Storm trooper? What are you talking about?

Philip Rivers: Don’t play coy. It’s plain as day. The pure of heart see through past your lies. Just look at that crunchy little liberal communist Nazi anarchist.

He probably works for a co-op and aborts fetuses for kicks. I bet he sucked Brady’s dick a thousand times when he played for the Patriots. Quick, check his mouth for sparkly cum.

Danny Woodhead: I did volunteer at the co-op in college.

Philip Rivers: You see? LIBERNAZI! LIBERNAZI! QUEEROFACISTS! The fag brigade is rising up! We gotta stop ‘em, men. Before it’s too late!

Ryan Mathews: C’mon, man. Give it a rest. Coach just wants us to get along and respect people. Why can’t you do that?

Philip Rivers: JUDAS!!!! I knew you would be the first to betray me, Fumbledick. This explains everything. Only a limp-wrist cocksucker wouldn’t be able to hold onto the football. YOU TIPPED YOUR COCK-TICKLING HAND, GAY BOY! I’m gonna let the world know the gay football player is Ryan Mathews, who spells his last name funny because there’s something just not quite right with the gays. You’re gonna be an outcast. Fans are gonna pelt you with dog shit, more than they already do.

[Runs out]

Mike McCoy: Well, that could have gone better. Like, I said, I will not tolerate that kind of behavior. I am going to deal with Phil. If he won’t see things my way, he may not be with us this year.

Charlie Whitehurst: I’d be glad to be the next man up, coach.

Mike McCoy: Hmmm.

Charlie Whitehurst: What?

Mike McCoy: On second thought, we’ll just try to bring Phil on slowly. These things take time. Change is a gradual process, after all.