When last we left Kinglandia web baron, Peter King, he was cheering on trolling bosom buddy Mike Florio as he got over his fear of flying. No longer is Floors confined to places within reach of his mobile meth lab. He can now fly the trolly skies. He also cheered the new pope for paying lip service to poor people. PK knows poor people. They’re the ones he strolls past on his way into Starbucks. He only tips baristas if they’re lofty. He only gives to panhandlers if they can name at least three Red Sox players.
But what about this week? What random object did the pope used to collect and why are we expected to give a shit? And did you know that, in the right spot, Dwight Freeney could end world hunger. But what spot? READ ON.
Revenge is best served cold, but this is ridiculous. It took 30 years for Baltimore to finally get revenge on John Elway.
You mean when they beat his team in the playoffs? Okay, that happened two months ago. Not sure why you’d lead MMQB with it now.
Thirty years next month, the Baltimore Colts drafted Elway with the first pick in the NFL Draft. Elway didn’t want to play for taskmaster head coach Frank Kush, and so his agent, Marvin Demoff, went about the work of trying to create an alternate market for Elway, both in baseball and in the NFL. Elway was a great baseball prospect too
Wait, why are we getting a recap of the 1983 draft as if no one recalls that this famous incident happened? Oh right, he thinks MMQB readers are clueless idiots. Carry on…
It’s tough to equate — no, not tough; impossible — Baltimore losing Elway to, 30 years later, Baltimore stealing one of Denver president Elway’s 10 most important players.
It’s retarded to connect — no, not retarded; fucktardulous — Baltimore deciding to pay a free agent linebacker potentially tens of millions of dollar simply out of spite to another football executive who did something to a different team than the one that currently exists in Baltimore. Ozzie Newsome was playing in Cleveland when Elway snubbed Baltimore, but yeah, I’m sure he swore revenge for this city he had no affiliation with.
But in 2013, to Ravens fans, it’ll do.
Or, you know, they could just enjoy that playoff win they just got against Elway’s team. Or finally get the fuck over it. Don’t give a shit either way.
In Baltimore, Elvis is about to enter the building.
Oh ho ho, the always fresh Elvis zingers. Too bad Ray Lewis left or it would be JAILHOUSE ROCK. You know Elvis belongs in Baltimore because it’s IN THE GHETTO.
See? Never judge an offseason before, you know, the season.
In the seven weeks since Baltimore won the Super Bowl, that’s the lesson we’ve learned about the defending champs. First the Ravens had the Ray Lewis retirement, then the Anquan Boldin debacle, then the loss of Paul Kruger and Dannell Ellerbe in free agency, then the staredown with — and loss of — Ed Reed (which they really didn’t mind), then the Thursday night opener mess … and then late Sunday afternoon, pilfering pass rusher Elvis Dumervil from Denver.
It’s really been a wacky time.
So wacky! Every departing free agent got a pie in the face!
Dumervil switched agents from the relatively unknown Marty Magid to the power agents of the league, Creative Artists Agency, with Tom Condon, Ben Dogra and Jimmy Sexton leading the way. Dogra has an apt name. He’s dogged.
And he sniffs the anus of all of his clients.
Condon doesn’t leave money on the table.
Oh, and he’s a condor. He flies away with all the money!
When they took over, I believe they went all out to find a team that would pay Dumervil more money in year one than Denver would.
An agent trying to get more money? WAY TO GO ABOVE AND BEYOND, FELLAS!
I had this thought when trying to figure out a way to solve this problem: Let the Ravens play away on the first Thursday on NBC, and let them play home on NFL Network in Week 2 on Thursday, to celebrate the Super Bowl in style at home. (It wouldn’t be so unlike 2012, when the Giants played the first game at home, on a Wednesday because of the Democratic Convention, and then played in Week 3 on Thursday at Carolina.) Baltimore at Denver Week 1, Cleveland at Baltimore Week 2. Genius move! The Kissinger olive branch!
The Solomon of Kinglandia, a benevolent dictatorship of wisdom! And getting excited before fact-checking!
Baltimore at Denver Week 1, Cleveland at Baltimore Week 2. Genius move! The Kissinger olive branch! Then I looked at the baseball schedule: Yankees at Orioles, Thursday, Sept. 12, 7 p.m. Curses.
Noteworthy for the first time Peter King has ever complained about the existence of some fucking baseball game.
Now, at 35, Ed Reed’s not the player he was, but the Texans know that. In fact, he plummeted from the NFL’s 12th-best safety in 2011 to 59th in 2012, according to safety rankings by ProFootballFocus.com. But Houston bought him to be Ed Reed, and to let Ed Reed rub off on good young players like J.J. Watt, Brian Cushing and Whitney Mercilus. Where I’d worry if I were the Texans: They could have kept a rising young safety, Glover Quin, if they’d committed to him instead of spending on Reed. They obviously think the intangibles of Reed’s presence will help a team that’s close to getting over the top.
“DURR HURR THIS OLD SAFETY WHO DON’T TACKLE NO MORE IS WORTH IT ‘CAUSE HE MAKE ALL OUR OTHER PLAYERS BETTER THROUGH TALENT OSMOSIS AND VETERAN SORCERY”
I’m not sure Reed has much left, but defensive coordinator Wade Phillips, the ultimate players’ coach, will know how to get out of him what is left.
Ultimate players’ coach because players do whatever they want because what’s gonna happen – it’s Wade Phillips? Going to the club the night before the game? THAT’S A-OKAY WITH WADE! JUST CALL IF YOU GET IN TROUBLE! HE’LL SPRING YA!
Brad Meester signed on for his 14th season in Jacksonville the other day, taking a pay cut from the $3 million he earned last year to $1.5 million in 2013. He said this about getting half of what he made last year as a starting player at 36: “No, it was not hard. That comes. That happens. I’m never going to complain about a pay cut. I have the opportunity to play the game I love, and I’m going to make a lot more money than most people out there, more than I could ever make doing whatever else. So no, I’m never going to complain about that. You’ve got to be thankful for what you get, and I’m very thankful for what they gave me.”
I spoke to Meester over the weekend, and asked him to explain why he is so grateful.
“We’ve got a new coach and new general manager,” he said from his offseason home in Iowa. “I’m going to be 36 years old. They have decisions to make. I understand that. To offer me anything was a huge compliment. My situation is a lot different than a lot of guys who are asked to take less, so I don’t sit in judgment on anyone else. For me, this is a great opportunity. I grew up on a small farm in Iowa. (In the NFL, some people make more in a year than he’d make in his lifetime working the farm.) I just think to complain about the money we make, with the economy and job market the way it is in this country, is not something I would ever do.”
Watch out in Jacksonville, or there will be a run on Meester “63” jerseys.
Guessing there are more customized Tebow Jaguars jerseys than Brad Meester unis in any given Jacksonville crowd.
Quote of the Week III
“I’ve been real mum on talking too much about RGIII. He wants his recovery to be fairly private, but I can tell you he’s way ahead of schedule. His recovery has been unbelievable so far. RGIII is one those superhumans. First patient I ever had like that was Bo Jackson. And recently I, of course, had Adrian Peterson, who is also superhuman.”
— Dr. James Andrews, the surgeon who reconstructed Robert Griffin III’s knee Jan. 9, to Stephania Bell of ESPN. I can see the Washington head coach, offensive coordinator and front office shaking its collective head over the expectations that quote will create.
Absolutely. If Mike Shanahan has showed us anything, it’s that he’s concerned with not pushing his quarterback beyond his physical limits.
Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me I
According to La Nacion, an Argentinian newspaper, Pope Francis called his newspaper delivery person, Daniel Del Negro, from Rome to tell him he wouldn’t be needing the paper to be delivered anymore. You know, on account of being named the pope and all.
Del Negro’s father, Luis, said he put a rubber band around the future pope’s newspaper and delivered it to his residence daily.
“At the end of the month,” Luis Del Negro said, “he always brought the rubber bands back to me. All 30 of them!”
“Uh…thanks.” – Newspaper delivery guy who goes off to find the nearest trash can.
Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me II
When Green Bay and Chicago meet this fall, I’m looking forward to Aaron Rodgers fading back to pass, and 245-pound Packer tight end D.J. Williams jousting with 245-pound Bears linebacker D.J. Williams on a route over the middle.
THAT POSITIONAL BATTLE WILL LEAD THE GAME IN WEIRDNESS!
Two D.J. Williamses enter…
Both D.J. Williamses leave, unscathed and persisting to confuse the easily confused.
Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me III
Why America Loves The NCAA Tournament Dept.:
On Dec. 22, before 980 spectators in Orono, Maine, with the same starting five (Fieler, McKnight, Brown, Comer, Thompson) that has shocked the world in the first weekend of the NCAA Tournament, Florida Gulf Coast fell behind by 10 points by halftime and lost to the Maine Black Bears 84-78.
A team in a pissant conference has lost to other pissant teams before doing something incredible! Isn’t sports the best?
No way PK didn’t include this just to fluff some New England school.
Mr. Starwood Preferred Member Travel Note of the Week
More of a “Life in New York” note than a travel note: Walking down East 51st Street Thursday, on the way to the Sports Illustrated offices in midtown, I heard a distinct whinnying sound. A loud one. So I did what most people do when they hear what appears to be a person imitating a horse behind him — cross to the other side of the street, quickly. Once on the other side, I looked over and saw a man, maybe 25, in a business suit, galloping down the street while slapping himself on the right hip with his right hand, whinnying like a palomino. Person after person just walked on by. No moral to the story. That’s just what you see once in a while living in this great city.
No metropolis can call itself one of the nation’s great city without horsey business people. Take note, clownfraud cities. Your business people are too business-like.
Tweet of the Week II
“Harvard students just stormed the particle accelerator!”
— @RoobCSN, Reuben Frank of CSNPhilly.com, after Harvard’s upset of New Mexico in the NCAA Tournament Thursday night.
You’re thinking of MIT. Harvard kids would storm the nearest corporate board room.
Tweet of the Week III
“Fact of the Day: Mike Wallace’s first name is Burnell”
— @BenVolinPBP, Dolphins beat man Ben Volin, on the new Miami wide receiver.
Burnell! Another apt name. He burns people. Does Burnell Mike Wallace lead the league in aptiness? He definitely beats Brad Meester. The only ME he says is in his name!
Tweet of the Week IV
“Raiders give Rolando McClain’s agent permission to seek a trade, apparently with a straight face”
— @ProFootballTalk, apparently not tweeting with a straight face.
Punchable face. Mike Florio does everything with a punchable face.
Tweet of the Week V
“If airline seats get any smaller I’ll be able to audition for the Vienna Boys Choir.”
— @nprscottsimon, and Scott, you are absolutely not alone. There are 53 million of us saying approximately the same thing — only not as eloquently.
That’s right, Scott Simon, you shithead, you’re not alone in travel bitching. You’ve got all of Kinglandia Nation at your back. They’re ready to toss scalding coffee at any airline exec that stands in their way of complete pampering.
Ten Things I Think I Think
2. I think the one thing I took from sitting in a group for 50 minutes and talking with Sean Payton at the league meetings is that he’ll be able to put the pain of the past year behind him, because he realizes it’s not going to help him win — and it’s certainly not going to help the Saints. I didn’t hear him say a bitter thing in nearly an hour of reporters trying to get him to admit anger or resentment.
A coach made sure not to give reporters fodder for controversy. It’s journalism code that if you don’t get the choice quote you’re gunning for, you’re free to psychoanalyze your subject at your discretion. Glad I could clarify for the non-journo people.
9. I think the biggest bargain left in free agency is Dwight Freeney. In the right spot, he’s got a 13-sack season left in him.
In the wrong spot: DEATH. What does the Xerox of Fate hold for Freeney?
10. I think these are my non-football thoughts of the week:
b. Yanks-Red Sox opener a week from today likely to have Melky Mesa and Jackie Bradley Jr., in the starting lineups. No Jeter. No Ortiz. No A-Rod. No Granderson. No Teixeira.
Oh noes, different baseball asshole than you’re used to! Don’t you worry your little nughead, there will be the same two groups of shithead fans and media slobbering. Just like always.
c. Great point by Richard Justice of mlb.com: The Yankees will have more salary on the disabled list entering the season than 12 teams spent on their entire rosters last year.
WOWZERS! It’s almost as though the Yankees outspend everybody!
e. I agree with the Costa Ricans:
Peter King seeing eye to eye with brown people? That’s new. This has to be coffee-related.
It was ludicrous to not suspend play in the second half of the Costa Rica-United States World Cup qualifier in a snowstorm, with inches of snow on much of the field in Colorado Friday night.
Ah, baseball bullshit. Would’ve been my second guess.
Oop. Never mind. This was soccer bullshit. That’s what I get for skimming PK’s vapid thoughts about other sports. I’ll pay more attention next time.
f. Devils flounder for a month with Martin Brodeur out with a bad back. He returns. Allows two goals in two games. Devils win both. It’s that kind of franchise.
A franchise that benefits from the return of a player. That’s such a rare quality. The teams you root for are so unlike all the others.
g. My rotisserie baseball draft is Wednesday night. I have not looked at one season preview of any sort. I am concerned. I just hope I don’t reflexively pick Pedro Martinez in the fourth round.
Nah, you’re good. Second round it is. I’d say first, but Pedroia.
i. Memo from a concerned citizen to our legislators in Washington: Do not forget Aurora and Newtown. Do not let the passage of time and the ardor of some gun zealots prevent you from taking action to limit the kind of weaponry and equipment that make it possible for mass killings to happen — and from taking action to keep guns out of the hands of the mentally unstable. We’re watching.
That’s LOFTY belaboring of this subject.
That’s right. Peter King still wants you fat-cat Congressmen to DO SOMETHING! What? Shhhh! Don’t ask questions. Just do things. Or don’t. PK needs weighty issues to pretend that he has convictions about and he ain’t done milking this one just yet.
j. Thanks for all the kind words and wishes on the new website I’m working to develop for Sports Illustrated. It’s an exciting time. I’m thrilled to be able to work alongside a top editor like Mark Mravic of the magazine, with a strong staff and design team, and with new writers the caliber of Greg Bedard, who will come over from the Boston Globe, and Jenny Vrentas, who migrates across the river from the Newark Star-Ledger. I’m looking forward to sharing some of the details on the new site sometime this summer. Wish I knew myself; we’re in the process of inventing the place right now. My responsibilities will shift some
Please stop writing this column please stop writing this column please stop writing this column please stop writing this column please stop writing this column please stop writing this column please stop writing this column please stop writing this column please stop writing this column please stop writing this column please stop writing this column please stop writing this column please stop writing this column please stop writing this column please stop writing this column
but not markedly
and I’ll share all of that with you when it’s set.
Yes, I’m sure you will.
/searches for places to hang noose in apartment
k. But this column will remain intact, much to your relief and/or chagrin.
HE KNOWS! HE KNOWS HE’S KILLING ME! YOU MONSTER! YOU BLOATED NUGGET DEMON!
l. Coffeenerdness: So I go into the SI office more than I used to, and the coffee there is the Green Mountain Keurig cups, and I’ve taken a liking to the Dark Magic blend. One request: make it darker.
This is the life you chose, SI. You give Peter King $1.5 million a year and his own website, you can’t be surprised when he starts dictating what kind of shitty coffee you have to serve your employees. By next month, he’s gonna have you put Newtown stickers up at each workspace.
m. Beernerdness: Fitting, on Saturday, when I met the Varisco family of New Orleans at a West Village bar in Manhattan, that I had an Abita Turbo Dog. On a raw Saturday in New York, nothing like Louisiana’s best black beer.
I bet any time Peter King is having lunch with someone he insists on getting a beer from the place that they’re from if he can. “Oooh, you’re from New Orleans. I got an Abita! This must be what it’s like to be cajun. Tell me some bayou stuff! No, do the accent more!”
The Adieu Haiku
If Revis must go,
get a one and two next year.
Free advice, Idzik.
Now shit in one hand
Good King tips in the other
See what fills up first
I want more like this!
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