The off-season is dreadfully boring. Occasionally we have to resort to silliness to maintain our lingering shreds of sanity without football. Today, we thought up terrible titles for novels that don’t exist. Yours in the comments.

Two Tickets To Sodom

The Magellan Dossier

And You Call Yourself An Uncle, Paolo

The Lady Cried Meh

Smedium Cool

A Cattywampus Heart

The Postman Always Rings Twice, Then Knocks, Then Tries To Peek in the Little Window at the Top of the Door, Then Rings Again, Then Leaves

Douglas Fairbanks Emotes The Blues

The Best F*ck In Toontown

Scarves of My Mother

Holy Wood: The Story Of Joan of Arc From The Point of View of Her Stake

The Vampire Always Knocks Twice

Lords of Blogtown

Grayson Becomes A Writer

Bars, Tools, Ports

This Is Where I Keep My Bucket

Dorito Run

Death In The Quiznos

Tammy Dreams of Brunch

White People Navigate Complicated Social Mores to Find Love in 19th Century England

Pistols at Don

The Gentleman’s Mixtape

Grand Theft My Heart

“Push II: Push It Good” by Sapphire

Moriarty’s Niece

The Meatball Shoppe

The Curious Incident Of The Whiskey Dick In The Daytime

Here’s To You, Sgt. Sillydick

Panopticon Phalanx: Obdurate Dragoon

Lust In the Time of Chlamydia

Prickasso, by Nicholson Baker

A Prayer For My Treadmill

Rumble Strip

Tell Me How Long The Food Truck’s Been Gone

Why Ask Why?

Moby-Dick Unchained

Blackgammon

Acropolis Now

The Pleasant Vacation

A Confederacy of Confederates

The Sitcom Recap Writers Club

A Ruttish Lass

The Case of the Two-Ply Killer

The Third Hand

A Dot Matrix of the Columnist As A Young Man

As I Lay Napping

Debit Cards For Africa

Go Tell It Somewhere Else

Four Days in Mattoon

The Spy Who Came in From Dairy Queen