Not football related, but football isn’t doing anything super special at the moment. At least nothing that can supersede the existence of noodle robots. NOODLE ROBOTS, the tastiest overthrow of the human race yet. I bet Paul Allen owns a hundred of these things.

— Ed Reed to the Texans is just about a done deal. Gonna be a little odd seeing ballhawk ballhawking balls for another team.

— Brian Urlacher and the Bears have reportedly parted ways. Gonna be a little odd seeing him be a dick and overrated in another uniform.

— Pacman re-signed with the Bengals. OH PACMAN LIKE DIS PLACE HE BE DRANKIN, GONE DRANK IN THIS PLACE A LITTLE MO. CHUH CHUH.

— Chipotle is giving out free burritos for life cards to famous athletes. Bryce Harper got one. As did Russell Wilson. Whatever, I don’t need one of those. Qdoba is my jam. [Waits by mailbox for free Qdoba burritos]

— Samsung is ready to pay the NFL $60 million to get their company’s name on sideline headsets. Good to how your name on someone that’s only being paid attention to when it’s being thrown on the ground in a rage.

— Bernard Pollard signed a one-year deal with the Titans. They don’t even play the Patriots in 2013. What’s the point of that?

— Art Modell received a bunch of racist, threatening postcards when he supported Ray Lewis during Ray-Ray’s murder trial back in 2000. I’m all for sending threatening letters to old, rich assholes, but c’mon, leave the racism out of it.

— In the last 20 months, the Redskins lead the NFL in substance abuse or performance enhancing drug violations, with linebacker Rob Jackson being the latest. Thank goodness. With their commitment to being Off-season Champs, I was afraid there was going to be nothing to mock them about for a while.