Much to my chagrin this is the time of the year when every post is done in bracket form. You damn lazy writers, I don’t want to to fight over which is better, pumpkin pie or angel food cake. No one wins that fight and then you have to suffer six months of gloating out of the pumpkin pie mafia and secretly hope they all overdose on nutmeg and soon. Then someone accuses you of having the palate of a draft horse in a beer bracket. Then you end up agreeing with Simmons on “Parker Lewis Can’t Lose” over “My Mother The Car” and you hate when you agree with Simmons on anything, but especially when you have to login to Facebook to vote in that tourney. All of this of course is meant to distract from the uncomfortable fact that gamblers, adrenaline junkies and alumni are the ones who enjoy college basketball, because it sure isn’t for the game. Pro sports fans often get knocked for cheering for laundry, but at least it’s laundry we didn’t have to spend six figures on for the right to enjoy.
That being said, I’m a big fan of listicles and tchotchkes and there is no better excuse to bring them together than a bracket, but instead of wasting everyone’s time with multiple posts on what items made it through round by round (which we can all agree gets tiresome pretty quickly), here are 64 random items from eBay. Seed them how you want them and then pick your own damn winner.
Green Bay Packers Overalls Medium: Opening Bid $1.99. Nothing accentuates a beer-and-cheese belly like a flashy pair of overalls. Surprisingly a high seed.
1999 Washington Redskins Game Worn Used Anthony Cook Football Jersey: Buy It Now $74.99. Was an Oiler in two different cities and in Washington for one season. Yeah, I don’t remember anything about him either. Only Unsilent will pick this jersey to win.
Cleveland Browns Sideline Jacket Team Issued / Game Used: Starting Bid: $79.99. This jacket is supposedly from the 1990 season, which the seller fails note saw the Browns going 3-13.
ESPN Grid Iron Football Electronic Game Zizzle Handheld NFL Batteries Included: Buy It Now $4.99. Monochrome handheld games were still made as recently as 2007? Those poor children.
NFL Monopoly 1998 Replacement Parts / Game Pieces – 2 FOOTBALL SHAPED DICE: Buy It Now $5.49. Obviously because your kid stuck the last pair of football dice up their nose and you haven’t seen them since.
Las Vegas Outlaws Vintage XFL Game Used Team Duffle Travel Bag For Team Balls: Buy It Now $29.99. Because looking at random NFL items for sale isn’t depressing enough, here’s an XFL item that made the tourney on a play-in game.
Four (4) – Your Choice Green Bay Packers Game Worn / Used Facemasks 25 For Sale: Buy It Now $169.99. For your slightly less-creepy Hannibal Lecter look.
Super Nintendo SNES John Madden NFL 95 Football EA Sport Game: Buy It Now $4.49. There are approximate three million cartridges of Madden on eBay, so spending more then ten cents on any of them seems like a ripoff. Really should be in the NIT.
New Hand Painted John Elway Bowling Game Pin Sport Denver Broncos: Buy It Now $39.99. Picture For the times you need to stare at Elway’s crotch in an asexual manner.
Dallas Cowboys Game Used Socks: Buy it Now $28. According to the seller, these socks were worn by #34. Herschel Walker? Tommie Agee? Jamar Martin? Phillip Tanner?
Carolina Panthers Wesley Walls Game Used Full Body Thermal Underwear: Buy It Now $70. For when you want to wear your favorite player as a second skin. If you guys don’t make this at least a four seed, I don’t even want to know you anymore.
Game Used Dallas Cowboys Goal Post Net 24″ W. x 24″ L.: Buy It Now $11.50.
From the auction page:
This game used piece of Dallas Cowboys goal post net from Texas Stadium is truly rare. We have all watched Dallas Cowboys home games at Texas Stadium and seen the net that goes up before all field goals and extra points. I bought one of the complete goal post net directly from the Dallas Cowboys. There are only two of these complete nets in the world and I am the only one willing to cut mine up and share it with the rest of the Cowboys nation.
Well aren’t you Father Christmas and Nelson Mandela rolled into one. There are two of these nets in the world available and you’re the only one willing to cut it up and sell — er, share — it with the rest of Cowboys nation. That other guy with a goal post net? What a goddamn selfish asshat depriving his fellow Dallas fans from owning some bits of string. Probably framed his whole net so no one could touch it. But not you, sir. You are willing to destroy something precious for your community.
Just as you start to feel bad for Cowboy fans, you remember you deserve Jerry Jones.
Philadelphia Eagles Game Used Adidas Cleat Size 15 2001 Season NFL: Starting Bid $9.99. No information about the player who may have worn this shoe, so the buyer will have to play the part of Prince Charming and search the kingdom for their very own princess. Need to touch a bunch of smell feet either helps or hurts this bid depending on selection committee fetish.
Detroit Lions Game Day Cups: Buy It Now $10. For gulping down all those tears of sadness. One and done.
Galaxy Frankfurt NFL Europe Football Game Used Equipment Players Bag With COA: Starting Bid $50. Feel pretty safe saying that anyone who misses the Frankfurt Galaxy is located in Europe, so the US-only shipping seems a little shortsighted.
Super Bowl Miller Lite Player of the Year Game Worn Jacket + Hat: Starting Bid $19.99. The auction description states, “These are hard to find items for your football collection.” These items are not for a football collector, they’re for a horder.
1999 NFL Training Camp Guide Book For Coaches Players Game Officials Tagliabue: Buy It Now $19.99. It was 1999, so the rules probably just said, “Lead with your head, you big dummy.”
2009 Oakland Raiders NFL Football Game Used Jersey #2 JaMarcus Russell: Buy It Now $645. Well, I guess it is rare. Shouldn’t make it past the first round.
Game Used Photographer’s Vest from Super Bowl XXXVII Tampa Bay vs Oakland: Buy It Now $20. The vest reads, “MUST BE WORN AT SUPER BOWL XXXVII” hence the low price since the item can only be worn again with a time machine or a wormhole. Seeding depends on bracketologist’s understanding of physics and enjoyment of the movie PRIMER.
Minnesota Twins Vikings game used Metrodome Roof 10×10″: Buy It Now $32.
From the auction:
A lot of history has happened under this roof, just a few things here: 1987 and 1991 World Series, 1992 Super Bowl (Bills vs. Redskins), Cal Ripken Jr 2000 consecutive game played & his 3,000 hit, Eddie Murray and Dave Winfield also got hit 3,000 as well, the Duke Blue Devils won 2 national championships (1992, 2001), 1985 All Star game, Timberwolves first season, Adrian Peterson set the NFL single game rushing record, Frank Thomas hit his 500 HR, Scott Erikson and Eric Milton pitched no-hitters, Bret Favre threw his 421 carerr TD pass and became the first QB to beat all 32 NFL teams.
Lofty roof. Would be a four seed if we were going to actually make a bracket.
Historic Game Used Team Issued Green Bay Packers Player Bench During Lombardi: Buy It Now $7000. Seven large. Probably shouldn’t fart on it even though the listing says it’s ready for your Packer mancave. Use of the word “mancave” knocks it back at least two seeds.
NFL On CBS Banner 4ftx4ft Huge Game Used Great Shape Panthers: But It Now $52.24. For all your Jim Nantz cosplay needs, you weirdo.
Chad Pennington Game Time Watch No Box: Buy It Now $6.99. Needs a new battery. Don’t we all, Chad. Don’t we all.
Collectible Football Watch The Game Here! 32 NFL Pages: Opening Bid $1.99. Tabletop board for Corona, burgers and the NFL. Perfect for turning your living room into an Uncle Moe’s Family Feed Bag.
Prime Time NFL Football Starring Deion Sanders (Sega Genesis, 1995): Starting Bid $8.00. Sometimes when you look at crap like this you have to think to yourself, well, at least it’s not taking up valuable space in a landfill.
Super Bowl XXII 22 Game Wrist Band Used Vg Cond Redskins Broncos NFL Football: Buy It Now $22. Nice symmetry, seller.
1995 Atlanta Falcons Ocean Spray Game Caps: Buy It Now $3.00. Because nothing says a winner like eighteen year-old losing game pieces.
Football Party NFL Cup Cake Decoration Party Game Super Bowl Topper Plastic Pic: Buy It Now $1.00. A plastic NFL on a toothpick with what appears to frosting stains at the bottom. You could try the “best offer” option, but I’m not quite certain if wooden nickels jive with PayPal. Surprising this item made our non-bracket.
NE Patriots Shelf To Display A Memorabilia Football See Pics Shelf 9 X 16: Buy It Now $42.95. Obviously Tom Brady bobbleheads don’t belong on sad IKEA furniture, they need their own shelves.
NFL Football Game Used Referee Shirt #40 Pat Haggerty Autographed: But It Now $1250. Pat Haggerty was an official for nearly thirty years. Let’s hope he had more than just this one shirt, but if he didn’t, this should be at least a six seed in any sort of bracket scenario.
Steelers Vs. Browns Tic Tac Toe Game NFL Football: Buy It Now $9.95. A Steelers-Browns chess set would be too much to hope for, I suppose.
Any Team Football Redneck Wine Glass Cup Mason Jar Mugs W/ Beads + Charm: Buy It Now $10.99. Who am I kidding. I’ll probably order one of these because screwing a lid back on your drink during the game seems like a good game plan. Solid 12 seed.
Frank Caliendo Signed NFL Football Actor Impressionist Comedian Fox Sports: Buy It Now $49.50. Frank signed the ball as himself? Weak. Should have signed it in character to get the extra fifty cents to make the ball worth an even $50.
2013 NFL Pro Bowl Game Used Opening Kickoff Football Ball 1/1: Current Bid $399.99. What it must be like to have f-you money encapsulated in a single auction.
Vint. 1977 NFL DENVER BRONCOS Orange Crush AFC Champions Pizza Hut Placemat: Starting Bid $9.99. Would be better if they also had a drink special for an actual Orange Crush too.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers Official NFL Game Used Banner With Ties (Vintage): Opening Bid $199. We should all own sports memorabilia large enough for unmanned drones to identify us, especially in Florida. At least a six seed on my fake bracket.
Vintage 1974 NFL DQ Dairy Queen Ice Cream Sundae Laich Football Helmets 23 Teams: But It Now $99.99. From the description, “the Steelers helmet is missing a logo on one side.” I won’t tell them if you won’t tell them.
1993 Super Bowl XXVII Large 3-D Football Chip Bowl NFL Officially Licensed: Buy It Now $34.99. The seller contends that the small cracks in the dish were probably caused by a dishwasher, but I have my doubts since the seller is located in New York. There is no way this chip bowl didn’t go flying across the room at least once if it was used in the Upstate area.
NFL Jerry Rice San Francisco 49ers Football Gummi Snacks Candy 2001: Buy It Now $3.99. “Do not recommend for eating. This is strictly a collectible item.” Can’t it eat them? This would definitely hurt them in our bracket if we were actually making a bracket.
Lesley Visser NFL Announcer 1992 Pro Line #21 Hand Signed Autograph Card Auto: Buy It Now $5.00 The person who did this to Lesley Visser obviously hated her. Very high seed just on the fringe alone.
Hooters Beer Bottle football Koozie FFCA Jon Gruden: Starting Bid $4.99. Hooters, Jon Gruden and unemployment. Tastes like victory.
1970 Charles Goodell US Senate New York Pin – RFK Seat- NFL Roger Goodell’s Dad: Starting Bid $3.95.
Rex Ryan Unsigned New York Islanders 8×10 Photo: Buy It Now $4.75. “Mr. Ryan, would you please sign my photo of you dressed as the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man?”
Very Rare Vintage 1970 Era Baltimore Colts Childs Bath Robe, Very Good Clean Cond.: Buy It Now: $29.95. A child’s bathrobe from forty years ago. Nothing at all creepy about having that lying around.
Philadelphia Eagles 1943 Steagles Ernie Steele Signed Vintage 3×5 Index Card C: Buy It Now $59.99. “Hey Ernie, can you sign this for me?” “Sure son, what do you have? A photo? Newspaper article?” “How about this plain index card?” “Who let you in my senior home anyway?”
NFL Monday Night Football Special Export Light King Crown Tuborg Gold Beer Glass: Buy It Now $17.98. You would never get away with using the MNF brand with a glass that implies that if your team is losing, you’re fall-down drunk.
Vintage 1969 Kansas City Chiefs Mccormick Whiskey Decanter / Bottle NFL Rare: Buy It Now $69.99. Not much as changed for Chiefs fans, they still need a significant amount of bourbon to get through the day.
1974 Cincinnati Bengals 7-up Collectors NFL Football Soda Pop Bottle Green Glass: Buy It Now $13.00. We should all remember Riverfront Stadium in soda form. Wait, Ohio. Correction: We should all remember Riverfront Stadium in pop form.
Randy Bullock Autographed/Signed Kicking Tee NFL Texans: Starting Bid $4.99. Not sure how you seed a kicking tee if you’re not a kicking groupie.
Vintage NFL San Francisco 49ers Glass Ashtray – 1980′s: Buy It Now $8.00. Like there’s anywhere left in California you can smoke.
Vintage Miami Dolphins NFL Mobil Frosted Glasses Set Of Six (6): Buy It Now $24.99. Service stations should get back in the business of giving collectible glasses with each fill up to soften the blow of paying $4.47 a gallon for gas.
Los Angeles Rams Frisbee Vintage NFL Advertisng LA: Buy It Now $19.95. Slightly used by what one would have to imagine to be a Jeff Spicoli-type. Seeding depends if you’d be willing to use it in a game of ultimate frisbee, bro.
Jacksonville Jaguars Steve Beuerlein Starting Lineup Figure: Opening Bid $.99. Jacksonville, you’re just embarrassing. A pity bid at best.
Dallas Cowboys Dwayne Goodrich Practice Used Shoes Size 10: But It Now. $19.95
I GOT THESE FROM A FRIEND WHO ONCE WORKED IN THE LOCKER ROOM FOR THE COWBOYS. THESE SHOES HAVE WHITE YARDLINE PAINT ON THE SOLES.
Rather a depressing listing when you consider Goodrich’s incarnation for killing to people on the side of the highway aiding a trapped driver, not to mention locker room staff swiping everything that isn’t nailed down.
NFL Eagles 2 Belly Bands Italian Greyhound Miniature Pinscher Dog Diaper: Buy It Now $12.00. This is what you get with non-brackets with automatic bids.
2009 Carl Nicks New Orleans Saints NFL Football Game Worn Pants: Opening Bid $.99. It’s worth noting that there isn’t a reserve on this pair of pants, so if you’re looking for a cheap costume to wear to one of the approximately 785 parades being held in New Orleans on any given day, these would do nicely. That alone makes it a high seed on my non-bracket.
Very Rare Game Used Worn Arizona Cardinals Pat Tillman Shoes Cleats: Buy It Now: $3.42 million, down from $3.6 million. Let’s put this in perspective, Babe Ruth’s earliest known worn jersey was sold last year for $4,415,658. James Naismith’s Founding Rules of Basketball from 1891 sold for $4,338,500 three years ago. Mark McGwire’s 70th home run ball sold for $3 million.
2010 NFL Packers @ Seahawks Full Unused Football Ticket: Buy It Now $12.00. Unused? Oh wait, it’s a preseason ticket. Of course someone let that $97 go down the drain. I’m going to seriously question the integrity of someone’s bracket if this item wins.
2012 Ravens Jimmy Smith Game Used SUPER BOWL Worn Skull Cap XLVII Photomatch COA: $299.99 Buy It Now.
From the auction:
Cap was found in the Ravens locker room after Super Bowl 47 and is a photo match the one worn by Jimmy in Super Bowl 47. Lombardi confetti not included but will be more than happy to include a few pieces at buyers request.
This cap is verified by a sweat stain, much like the Shroud of Turin. Seeding on faith is never a good idea, but they do include confetti if requested.
NFL Chicago Bears Hall-of-Famer “Bulldog” Turner Signed 1953 Check: Buy It Now $25.99. Seeing as this check was written for $1.75 and in pencil, it’s safe to assume Turner wrote this check while holding up the rest of the express checkout line.
Marilyn Monroe Tattoo Graffiti Art Urban Street Wear Football NFL Fan T-Shirt: Buy It Now $19.95. A tatted-up Marilyn stripping off a Niners shirt to reveal Niners panties. We’ll assume this Marilyn also had a breast lift as she doesn’t appear to be wearing a Niners bra.
Press Photo NFL President & CEO Neil Austrian: Buy It Now $12.00 This is the type of thing you could put in your office in a frame and other business people could say, “Hey, are you friends with Neil? I just golfed with him in Boca last week!” and you’d sign the big deal since Austrian is one of those people who goes from board to board and CEO to CEO jobs.
Lay’s Chips NFL Football Roy Jefferson Signed Short Sleeve T Shirt Size Adult XL: Buy It Now $17.99. When athletes don’t want to sign things because they know they’ll just end up on eBay, this is what they mean. Should be a low seed in our non-bracket if there is any justice in the world.
New York Jets NFL Women’s Panties Size Large (7) – Attn: Tim Tebow Fans: Buy It Now: $14.00. Make no mistake about it, these are granny panties, as modest as the Sabbath is long, just as Timmy would want.
I want more like this!
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