Jon: WELCOME TO GRUDEN TALK, THE TALK SHOW WHERE WE DISCUSS THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUES OF THE DAY.  BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS, ARE YOU EXCITED TO HAVE A NEW POPE?

Herm: I HOPE THE NEW POPE CHOOSES HERM AS HIS REGNAL NAME. I DEMAND POPE HERM I!

Jon: NOT GONNA HAPPEN, YA BIG DUMMY.  ANYWAY, WE GOT THE NATIONAL CATHOLIC REPORTER’S JOHN ALLEN HERE TO TALK ABOUT WHO’S GONNA BE THE NEXT POPE.  JOHN, HOW YA DOIN’?

John: I’m busy!

Jon: I HEAR YA.  WITH THIS CONCLAVE COMING UP YOU’RE PROBABLY SPENDING ALL YOUR TIME WATCHING TAPE ON THE CARDINALS.  HOW WELL CAN SANDRI RUN A HOMILY?  DOES TURKSON HAVE ANY DEFICIENCIES IN ECUMENICAL DIALOGUE?  THAT TYPE OF STUFF.

John: Not really.  Mostly I speak with cardinals about what they’re looking for in the new pope.

Jon: SO WHAT TYPE OF POPE ARE WE GONNA HAVE?  ARE WE GONNA GET A CONSERVATIVE ONE?  THEY TOOK A LICKING IN THE 2012 ELECTION SO THEY AREN’T DOING SO HOT THESE DAYS.

Herm: PAUL RYAN WILL NOT BE THE NEXT POPE.

John: There isn’t really a conservative-liberal divide.  The church is mostly conservative.  Rather, the divide is between Cardinals who want to keep the status quo in terms of governance and reformers led by Austrian Christoph Schonborn and the Americans.

Jon: JUST LIKE DJANGO UNCHAINED. HERM, DID YOU LIKE DJANGO UNCHAINED?

Herm: I PRETENDED THE PLANTATION OWNER WAS WOODY JOHNSON.  I LOVED IT.

Jon: ANYWAY JOHN, WHO ARE THE FRONTRUNNERS TO BE THE NEXT POPE?

John: Well the reformists are actually backing an Italian, Angelo Scola, who isn’t tied to the Roman Curia, whereas the Curia is backing a Brazilian, Odilo Scherer.

Jon: IF BRAZIL GETS THE WORLD CUP, THE OLYMPICS AND THE POPE THAT’S ONE HELL OF A DECADE.  THEY’D BE A DYNASTY JUST LIKE THE NINERS IN THE ’80S.  BUT WHAT IF SCOLA AND SCHERER CAN’T GET ENOUGH VOTES?

John: Canadian cardinal Marc Ouellet has been floated as a possible compromise candidate but I don’t think he’s the administrator that the church is looking for.

Jon: THIS MARC, I CALL HIM TIM TEBOW BECAUSE HE’S A VIRGIN THAT CAN’T LEAD.  IF THE CHURCH WANTS A LEADER THEY SHOULD HIRE BRETT FAVRE AS POPE.  A VOW OF CELIBACY IS JUST WHAT THAT GUY NEEDS.

Herm: THE CATHOLICS NEED A HALL OF FAME QUARTERBACK.

John: The pope can be any baptized Catholic male, but the pope has not come from outside the College of Cardinals in more than 600 years.

Jon: THAT’S WHY YOU GOTTA LOOK AT SMALLER COLLEGES. DWIGHT SMITH WENT TO AKRON BUT HE’S STILL A CHAMPION.

Herm: THE VATICAN NEEDS TO INVEST IN ITS SCOUTING DEPARTMENT.

John: I’m sorry, scouting?

Jon: LEMME TELL YA, YOU CAN’T RECRUIT WHEN YOU DEMAND A VOW OF CELIBACY.  IT’S WHY BYU ISN’T GONNA WIN A NATIONAL TITLE ANY TIME SOON.  YA GOTTA INNOVATE, MAYBE USE THE READ OPTION.  RUN A FEW PRAYERS OUT OF THE PISTOL.

Herm: YOU NEED A POPE THAT’S A THREAT TO RUN OR PASS.

John: I’m lost.

Jon: THAT’S OK BECAUSE WE’RE ALL OUT OF TIME HERE ON GRUDEN TALK.  PLAY US OFF, HERM EDWARDS 7!

Herm: WHAT IF GOD WAS ONE OF US COMING RIGHT AT YOU.