Jon: WELCOME BACK TO GRUDEN TALK, THE TALK SHOW WHERE WE DISCUSS THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUES OF THE DAY.  BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS, HAVE YOU BEEN PAYING ATTENTION TO THE SEQUESTER.

Herm: WHEN YOU HAVE LONG LINES AT THE AIRPORT THEN I’M GOING TO TRY AND FIND OUT WHY THAT IS.

Jon: ANOTHER REASON WHY PERSONAL WATERCRAFT IS MY PREFERRED MODE OF TRANSPORTATION.  ANYWAY, WE HAVE FORMER WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF AND CO-CHAIR OF THE NATIONAL COMMISSION ON FISCAL RESPONSIBILITY AND REFORM, ERSKINE BOWLES TO EXPLAIN THE SEQUESTER TO US.

Erskine: Pleasure to be here.

Jon: SO TELL ME ERSKINE, WHY DO WE HAVE THIS SEQUESTER?

Erskine: Back in 2011 the president and congressional Republicans agreed to automatic spending cuts if they could not agree to a different form of deficit reduction.  That manifests itself in the so-called sequester, which cuts spending across federal agencies, is the manifestation of that deal.

Jon: THIS SEQUESTER, I CALL IT MIKE TANNENBAUM BECAUSE IT SEEMS TO MAKE CUTS AT RANDOM.  STILL, AUTOMATIC CUTS ARE NEVER FUN BUT SOMETIMES YOU GOTTA TRIM THE FAT.  CUTTING KEYSHAWN JOHNSON WAS ONE OF THE MOST SATISFYING EXPERIENCES OF MY CAREER.

Erskine: Well these are cuts to spending, not necessarily cutting personnel.

Jon: I HEAR YA, MALCOLM GLAZER IS A REAL CHEAP BASTARD.  YOU SHOULD SEE THE HOLIDAY INN IN CHARLOTTE WHERE THEY”D STICK US.

Herm: YOU NEED MORE THAN A CONTINENTAL BREAKFAST TO START YOUR DAY.  COLD DANISHES DON’T LEAD TO CHAMPIONSHIPS.

Erskine: Continental breakfast?

Jon: I ALWAYS MADE SURE THAT WE HAD OUR OWN CHEFS AVAILABLE FOR ROAD TRIPS. GRUDEN GRINDERS LIVE OFF TOAST, DEER JERKY AND SCOTCH WHISKEY.

Erskine: Are you trying to make a point about austerity?

Jon: HELL NO. EVERYONE KNOWS THAT AUSTERITY IS BAD FOR THE ECONOMY, EXCEPT FOR THESE REPUBLICANS APPARENTLY. BUT WHEN YOU’RE TRYING TO WIN THE DIVISION, YOU GOTTA MAKE SACRIFICES.

Herm: WHEN YOU CODDLE THE PLAYERS WITH HOT MEALS THEN YOU’VE LOST THE LOCKER ROOM.

Erskine: Huh?

Jon: WHEN A COACH AND HIS PLAYERS NEED TO TEAM UP TO WIN A CHAMPIONSHIP BOTH SIDES NEED TO GIVE ON CERTAIN ISSUES. I KNEW IT, BILL WALSH KNEW IT AND TOM COUGHLIN KNOWS IT BUT FOR SOME REASON THE REPUBLICANS CAN’T WRAP THEIR HEADS AROUND IT.

Herm: AMERICA CAN’T WIN A CHAMPIONSHIP WITH THESE REPUBLICANS ON THE TEAM. WE’D LOSE TO CHINA IN THE DIVISIONAL ROUND.

Erskine: I do agree with you that they are impossible to negotiate with.  Mitch McConnell and John Boehner won’t budge.

Jon: THIS MITCH I CALL HIM MIKE SINGLETARY BECAUSE HE’S CRAZY, IN OVER HIS HEAD, AND LEADS A ONCE PROUD ORGANIZATION.  YOU HAVE YOUR EVERETT DIRKSENS AND YOUR HOWARD BAKERS AND YOUR BOB DOLES. BUT THIS GUY? HE AIN’T FIT TO CARRY THEIR JOCK.

Herm: EVEN STEVE MARIUCCI WOULD BE AN IMPROVEMENT.

Erskine: I really have no idea what we’re talking about.

Jon: THAT’S OK, ERSKINE BECAUSE WE’RE OUT OF TIME ON GRUDEN TALK.  PLAY US OFF, HERM EDWARDS 7.

Herm: SEQUESTERED IN MEMPHIS ON 3, TEAM!